The worst case scenario has happened s/o to a PA

Kids these days are very impressionable and since they're already exposed to it, you might as well show them a video of how that rewires their dopamine cells and wouldn't be able to react later on in life with a real partner - and there's plenty of those in youtube, explained in good detail. Hopefully they get the message!

It's awful that you've had to endure this. I wouldn't feel ok giving out advice for the relationship, as I'm unsure if staying or leaving would affect the kids better - which is the important part of the equation here.

 

https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?forums/success-stories.24/
A lot of people did it

 

Just focusing on a general point: it sounds like you need to detach yourself and your self-worth and value from your spouse's actions. Your life's value does not come from your spouse or anyone! If you build your entire day/year/life around whether or not one person succeeds or fails, in one area or another, you will go through life severely disappointed. Your kids will disappoint you, your family and friends will disappoint you, leaders will disappoint you, etc. No flawed human being will ever make you feel good about your life. That's your job (or your God's job if you believe)!

Being married doesn't mean building your life on top of someone. It means building something by their side. They may not build well, they may even damage their own building, but you are still building by their side. Some days they'll join you with a smile, some days they'll sit in the mud with a frown. You can't force them out of their own prison to join you. You can invite, encourage, but you can't will someone to fix their life. They're broken, they'll never fully be fixed. They can be "sober" from PMO, but they will always be tempted to go back. You can't change their brain, the internet, the world to remove porn. But you CAN create a life that your spouse MIGHT want to be a part of. You will fail at that too somedays but the only thing you can do is try. Then try again. Then again. That's the foundation of the marriage vows: "for better or worse"

That doesn't mean leave your husband, that doesn't mean let him do whatever he wants. You have to figure out the particulars and don't listen to me or any other crazy person on the internet. Read some marriage books (Five Love Languages, etc.) and implement them in your life accordingly.

If your husband is blowing your life savings on porn, losing his job, and your mortgage is in danger, then he might need some tough love, a temporary separation, an ultimatum to get his life together. Throw away the smart phone for 30 days, 90 days. It's been done! Work something out.

I just often read on NF spouses who are WAY too invested, involved, attached, and obsessed with their spouses recovery. You should want the best for your spouse. But it shouldn't be the unhealthy obsession that your post makes it sound like.

My spouse has an array of mental health issues. I used to complain about it to everyone, thought my life was over, exhausted, they wouldn't accept help, blah blah blah. Then I SLOWLY realized they just needed me to love them where they are, for who they are. Let go of my attachment to how they treated me. ONLY THEN, did things gradually start to improve. It's not perfect! But I had to get out of the way and work on myself!

 

Find yourself a csat therapist who believes in the betrayal trauma model. Bloom for women has some great free help. First and foremost you must protect yourself and children. He’s already greatly harmed your kids and you. Learn boundaries and start putting them in place. No one just quits this addiction, their brain is far too greatly damaged. This is a brain disease that requires a lot of help and determination on the addicts part. It really doesn’t matter how much you love him, how much he says he loves you, if he isn’t in a recovery program, this will continue forever. Very few get into long term recovery ( 5 years clean). Take action now to get the life you and your children deserve.

 

Boundaries are what you do in order to feel safe. For instance “ if you view inappropriate sites then I will need you to sleep on the couch for a week or a separation.” Or “ if you talk disrespectfully then I will leave until you can quietly and appropriately talk to me”. It’s needs to be something you will adhere to. It doesn’t do any good if you can’t stick to your boundary. A csat can talk with you and help you understand what you need,it’s different for everyone. It could be, because he has spent money on porn that you now monitor/pay all the bills so you can protect yourself financially. If you look up boundaries there are a lot of good books.what kind of therapy was it you went through?

 

I'm devastated to hear you. Porn isn't as friendly and healthy as media portrays it. It's a beast that devours everything on its way, and consumes one's soul, without realizing how it affects oneself and specially those who love us.
Once your husband wants to detox from this poisson, he can find any resources he may need here.
For you, i recommend the advice of others SO. And to pray. To God and to the Virgin Mary. And to place your trust and hope in them. Because only he can heal the pain from the soul.
Best wishes.

 

One important suggestion here: Respect toward others encourages respect in them; and trusting someone makes that someone want to prove himself or herself trustworthy; i.e. trust begets trust. The opposite is also true. If you are looking over his shoulder all the time, suspicious, prying, expecting him to be watching porn, he will doubtless live up to your expectations. The addiction is likely strong enough in his case that he will be doing that regardless of anything you do, but being always suspicious will do no good. In any case, you cannot control or change your husband. The best you can do is to be so sweet, loving, respectful, and good toward him that he will begin to realize how much he has to lose by continuing in his addiction. And it will be impossible for him to quit porn without having the strength and higher standard of a higher power--which you may solicit on his behalf if he feels no need himself.

For your boys, the situation is heartbreaking. Boys are already at a considerable disadvantage in this area, with many discovering themselves before puberty. Adding your husband's gross misconduct to the list is no help at all. I am thankful that I never saw pornography in my early years; but I did run across unclothed photos of people in medical journals--which, of course, fascinated me. Even then, it was years past that before, as a teenager, I discovered myself--a moment I'll never forget. I was instantly addicted, and yet, due to my religious upbringing, I also instantly knew it was wrong. Without telling anyone (I was ashamed), I struggled against the vice alone; halfway succeeding, as I managed to avoid the downward spiral of more and more and worse and worse. I have never been a porn consumer or addict. Had my parents not taught me the moral principles which I had learned in the daily, morning and evening, family study times, I would have been as lost a ship in a storm without a compass. But....we may have strength to resist the devilish temptation, and put ourselves on vantage ground. I managed to quit entirely for about a year at one point while still a teenager--and I consider myself to have been quite weak to not have had more self-control even than this. It is truly a powerful addiction, and well-nigh impossible to break without proper motivation and principles.

As you have said, yours is practically the worst case scenario. Polluting the minds of your boys at such a tender age is virtually the worst possible thing your husband could have done. Like others here, I cannot offer relationship advice. It is hard to whether leaving at this point would be productive of any good--with the exposure having already occurred, regardless. It may be possible to setup an internet filter for your home such that the boys will not as easily run across it; but it is impossible to block it entirely, especially if they are at all tech-savvy. I'm quite anti-porn myself, and not long back received an email that one of the links on my website--which was for a Christian school--was taking people to a porn site! Evidently, the domain name had expired and was then hijacked by the nefarious porn producers. Disgusting! Naturally, that link disappeared from my website as fast as I could update it--but even this had been delayed by several days, which could have been much longer, by the fact that the email alert I had received had landed in my spam folder, likely because it contained the word "porn." (Which goes to show that filtering has its consequences, too.) I cannot know how many children might have innocently clicked on that link before it was removed--which illustrates the difficulty facing parents today on this issue. It is virtually impossible to assume that one's children will not encounter porn if they are actively using the internet. Therefore, having that "talk" with them becomes more important. It's a bit early, perhaps, but it might be the best time, now, to start teaching your boys the sexual principles they will need to maintain a higher standard of purity throughout their lives than their father has had.

You're in a very difficult position: I truly feel for you, and wish I could say more. Here on the forum, I'm very limited in what I can say. Message me privately, if you wish, for more specific suggestions.

 

I agree with the idea of having boundaries. But I see no potential benefit at all to this particular one. It was when she left for awhile that he relapsed; and isolating herself from him within the home will only encourage more of the same as I see it. Sex, within marriage, should not be used as a bargaining chip. Period. Why should one seek to limit the affection of one's spouse? I believe any attempt to do so is counterproductive in virtually every case.

 

Because the boundaries are for her safety in an abusive relationship. Sex addicts do not know how to have a healthy relationship with sex. Having more sex is not what a sex addict needs. A sex addict needs to get into recovery and learn what a healthy sexual relationship is. Boundaries are for her. Period. He didn’t relapse because she wasnt there. He relapsed because he’s and addict and chose to when the opportunity arose.

 

According to her post, they're having awesome sex. She's not being abused.