I'm ruining my life...

I'm a 29 y.o. female and I'm scared out of my mind because my porn addiction got totally out of hand.

I'm currently doing a pretty good job ruining both my relationship and my career.
Just yesterday I missed the deadline for an important assignment at university because I was too busy watching porn for 3 hours straight. Now I failed the entire course. It wasn't even graded...I just had to turn it in on time.

That's how it's been for quite some time now. I can't concentrate and have no interest in anything besides porn. I also find that "ordinary porn" doesn't cut it anymore and have begun watching more extreme content. Afterwards I feel so incredibly disgusted with myself.

My boyfriend doesn't know about my addiction but he is suffering the consequences. We only have sex once a month, sometimes once every two months, because I suffer from sexual dysfunction. Penetration and intercourse hurt because I can't get aroused and sex has more than once ended in tears.
I love him and want to give him so much more but porn has destroyed every healthy bit of sexuality I possessed.

As a female I feel like an anomaly. Sure, there are women trying to quit porn but it seems like most of them haven't escalated to the point that the addiction has taken over their lives. I have tried quitting so many times and I'm so exhausted.

That being said I want to quit porn for good. 15 years are a long time to be addicted to porn and I need to do this. l'm almost done with Day 1!

I'm glad I found this forum and I'm grateful for any advice. To any women struggling with the same issues, feel free to shoot me a message.

 

15 years is a lot, so together desire to porn addiction you will have to face 15 year of developing habit of PMO - this habit indeed can be very powerful, but it is our own biology serving what it have been taught. Addicts don't have free will and avoidance is main theme of addiction.
Porn addiction is a distorted way of fulfilling sexual desire together with life avoidance and together with instant gratification + distorted emotional relief.

There are old patterns and power of behavior behind them.
These old patterns need to be changed.
There are also suppressed parts of personality and emotions that need to be put into awareness, because they are already going from the side in distorted shape (PMO is distorted expression of sexuality and distorted way of having emotional relief).

You need to be aware of your needs, especially unfulfilled, you need to reconnect with your emotions. You need to examine your sexuality. And mostly important - you need to see, be aware and name your behavioral patterns that were developed by addiction. And then you need to replace these old patterns with the new functional patterns.
New habits are being integrated by repetition - this is the rule of learning - repetition until mastery. You are now in master degree of PMO habit.

Abstaining from PMO is not enough - reach for external help, seek recovery advices and be brave.

Addicts don't have free will, if you will not reach your hand outside in real world for help, you can be stuck in pattern that will be spiral down into gutter of dysfunctional life.

And mostly - porn addiction stolen your very soul. Reclaim your emotions and reclaim your soul. Be brave !
Good luck.

 

Thanks, I'm going to check it out.

 

I sympathize with you and I hope you can make it out of this better and stronger. I'm sorry that you, like many of us, are struggling.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through something similar. You can be proud of yourself for gathering up the courage to tell your girlfriend about it. I'm currently trying to figure out how to tell my boyfriend. But honesty is the way to go. I find that even this forum helps a lot...just posting my story took a huge weight off my chest.

 

This is so true. I'll need to seek professional help eventually. It's just incredibly difficult to gather up the courage to so.

 

I've had the same problem for a while. This is probably the worst aspect of my social life. Somehow, all things considered, I've always had plenty of interest from girls but it seems I do everything I can to distance myself. It's probably a lot to do with my confidence; that's one of many things I can thank porn for.

 

Hello. There is a women-only section that most women prefer to post in. You are trying to make your life better. Good.

 

That's right. Thank you for clarifying that for him.

 

Thank you! I'm almost done with day 5...it's the longest I've gone without pmo in years. Sounds stupid but I'm incredibly proud right now.