I hate myself

This post is what's called Addict Out of Control. Simply put, your addict has his claws sunk deep into you currently and he's doing exactly what he's supposed to. He is breaking you down and making you feel worthless. The fact is, I was once like this. I wanted to just die. I felt like nothing could make me ever stop my daily multiple hours of PMO sessions. The fact is, I did stop. I manned up and made goals. I got my stuff together and in order. I became a man. I started to organize my things. I cleaned my place. I wrote down what I want and how I'll get it. Now I know PMO in my life will never make me reach my goals. NEVER. You need to grab your addict by his ass, you need to sit your butt down and tell your addict that you're declaring war on it's ass. You tell your addict that the time has come to put him to rest. You are your own man and you are here to succeed. We only get 1 chance at this life. You were non existent before you came into existence, and the day will come where you will once again become non existent again. Do you want to have your personal legacy to be that of a PMO addict or do you want to lay a new foundation with new bricks and become the man you can? If I have transformed you can too. How am I so sure? Well my lowest point was sitting in bed all morning depressed and not being able to move. I cried for hours and sometimes didn't get up until after dark to just go eat 1 meal. Dude, do it for you. Defeat this beast. Join the star studded club.

 

Beware of the fatalist thoughts, because they are often an excuse that we use, so we can avoid the discomfort of the fight. Your discovering of nofap is a call to arms I'm afraid. Keep going mate! Believe it or not you are in the right path.

 

I just fapped to an old video of my old relationship that end 5 years ago. I don't feel good about it at all and should delete the video. I gave my partner a STD and had to tell the truth 5 years ago. 5 years later i still masturbate and watch P. I tried working out for years but was never consistent. I finally decided to get my life together last year and i went back to school, started to hit the gym more and everything was going better but still PMO while making some "progress" in life. On Tuesday of this week, i fucked up hard in school, and now i have to repeat the term which is going to cost me more money and TIME. I kept on saying to myself "i fucked up" over and over again like when i gave my ex an STD. What's fucking pathetic is that I masturbated to our old sex video and then thinking about it like damn its been 5 fucking years and I still PMO when I told myself i would stop.

I haven't been on this forum in a while and when i do come on, I'm always at my lowest. I read your post and wanted to share.

 

First step bro, you are saying that yourself. Destroy it, as it has a high value for you. It will also represent a new beginning. Do it my friend.

 

THIS

 

I am not sure if running could help. For me, after practicing, I would feel more energetic.... One of my method of containing myself is drink Chinese tea, which makes me feel wired and don't wanna fap...

 

Don't give up and stop comparing yourself with others, it will definitely demotivate you.

 

Boy...I have sat in that chair you're in more times than I can count. Man do I feel you. Its like everything you touch dies. Its like you can never win. You do literally everything and give it everything and you get nothing back. At some point I realized at the end of the day I have myself, the one and only me, myself, and I. I may not reach my potential in my lifetime, I may relapse after this post for the 50,000th time. but I have myself and what i've learned. Experience the best teacher in my opinion. Comparing yourself to others and trying to meet other's potential is like grasping ropes of sand my friend. So...what do you do. I'll tell you

You fall
you fail
you cry
you get pissed
you curse
you relapse

To be a boxer in life, you gotta take the hits, and you know, its not how hard you can hit, "Its how hard you can GET hit, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done."

 

I can relate to you. What helped me was having faith in Christ, and obeying his word which is in the bible. Before I did that, prayer didn't work for me either. Because I was making up my own idea of God in my mind, he was based on what I liked. Might as well be praying to the wind.

I've known this for a while, and every time I slip, it starts with seeking God less than I should. And I will slip again if I replace God with something else.
The streak I have now is something I don't deserve at all, it has been God who pulled me through it. The thing with God is that when you draw near to him, he draws near to you, and vice versa. So if I want his help I have to draw near to him every day. Otherwise I will fall.

A good start would be to look up the Gospel and see what it means. Living waters is a good YT channel for that.

 

well i hate ya too , for giving up ... there are many people here who are in the same stage as you but they aint giving up , they want to improve themselves and be better in life ... i dont care how deep others fell down in this shithole , what i care and like about them is not giving up hope! everyone is fighting this shit over here for years and years.( me too). But you gave up so ur the biggest loser in this site !!! . YOU WERENT A LOSER BACK WHEN YOU WERE TRYING HARD TO QUIT THIS , BUT NOW YOU ARE.

 

Respect for expressing what you are going through.. Few years back I had a physical journal where I used to write about how much I hate myself for losing again and again and again. Many times I relapsed just few hours after taking a resolution to not mess up again...and I hated myself for every loss as I drenched in this silent addiction, so numb, lost, powerless, alone, mutilated...disappointed, humiliated..

One thing I'd tell you. Stop the fuck from comparing yourself to any fucking person. It's absolutely worthless. Keep the focus on what YOU can do, keep the attention on your fucking pace...that's the only thing that is within your volition. Working on your life is the only thing that matters..every moment comparing with others is a waste of time and in a way, self-abuse. No matter what, always believe in your destiny...fall, cry, hate, bleed, weep....experience your pains, but dust yourself up again, get up, keep moving, keep persevering, keep fighting.

It took more than 9 fucking years for me to get where I'm now. When I look back, every moment of the fight was fucking worth it.

So get the fuck back to the grind. Fight this fight. You are 21 now..make your freedom your goal and cherished object..make it your obsession, your ardent desire..you won't see results soon, but persevere...strategize..cut the crap stuffs that weaken you...embrace responsibility, embrace warriorhood. Have unflinching faith. You'll win this.

 

Imagine being you 15 years from now and still dealing with this.

That is where I am at. You're 21 years old, a baby. I'd give anything to go back to your age to try to tackle this problem sooner.

I hate you for having so much more time than me and less years of addiction. (OK I don't hate you, but I do envy you).

Don't let 15 years go by and still be doing this. You'll hate yourself even more.

 

This is powerful

 

Comparing yourself to others is a killer. There might be aspects of your life that those on 30+ or 40+ will be envious of. The grass always seems greener on the other side. What if they're making up or exaggerating their days. I'm not saying they are but what's stopping them from doing so? Nothing. It isn't like people have prove their days on this forum. And even if they are being truthful it might have taken them many years to get to that place. They might have had different life experiences to you or might have not been so dependent on porn. You may find Susan David's book Emotional Agility helpful. It's not about porn addiction per se but she touches on many issues people who can't stop looking at porn deal with including comparing oneself with others.

 

Hey man , i feel you, I will try to address what you have said one by one:
1. working out is like a knive, it can be used for good or for bad: you can be a strong man that intimidate woman, you can be a strong man that protect woman. working out is good, even very good, but it doesn't change your core.
2. If you can't take it - go to 12 steps program. it might be shameful for you, but what the fuck you have got to lose anyway ?
3. did you try to filter your computer using app blockers ?
4. did you try to throw away your computer and be done with it ? can you do it in terms of work ?
because if you can do it but you don't want to, it means you haven't done anything to overcome this problem

 

What are you talking about, its been over 3-4 years and I can't complete a full week without touching it, I generally fap every few days

My advise to you is to fix other areas of your life and find a focus not related to NoFap and get things done and then NoFap wont harm you so much.

 

And another thing, you know how these guys are doing it?
They have religious shame, ie God will punish them to hell
or
They have PIED
or
They are in a relationship
or
They never even really had an addiction
or
They don't have the time alone
or
They have no other issues in life

So relax. and work on the real issue, its not porn, porn is only the outlet

 

You are in the vicious circle right now. Your inner demons are turning you into a masturbating meat machine. Your symptoms are very intense, very horrible. There is a way out of this though. Begin by reading success stories of people who have quit this addiction. Read all of them on this forum. You must begin to view yourself as a scientist studying a disease. This disease is PMO addiction. More people are infected by PMO than people who have caught COVID. Don't rely on willpower. This is a systematic deconditioning process you must go through. Reverse brainwashing. You can also start reading the symptoms people go through on this forum and see how they are suffering. Take notes. Commit to studying both success stories and relapse stories every day, viewing yourself as a doctor/scientist, and you can begin to unravel yourself from this vicious circle.

 

You may be disappointed about yourself. But to some extent, you are better than most people. You are disappointed because you have the ambition for a better life without porn addiction. And many porn addicts have no idea of pron's harm, continuing to consider it as a pleasure, and being unawared of its negative effects on their physical and mental health. The moment you join NoFap, you are better that the majority.