Why is it so hard to get a girlfriend?

Why is it so hard to get a girlfriend?

Dating has never been easy. It’s a lie that love is a easy thing to get. It’s not. The more older you get, the harder it is. Dating is complex. Some people only care about looks, while others only care about personality.

Unless you are exceptionally physically attractive, have material wealth, and have extremely well developed social skills. Then maybe dating is easy, but for the average person, it’s hard to get a boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s especially harder if you don’t have a social circle where you can meet people.

 

Has to do with how people are being socialized.

A lot of women are taught to obsess over their weight, clothes, makeup, social standings etc. A lot of men are barely taught to mind their manners, shower regularly and pull up their pants to cover their buttcrack.

Women are taught that having sex is immoral and makes them undesirable sluts. Men are taught that their manliness depends on being able to stick their dick in someone's vagina.

Do you see now why one sex might have on average more success in attracting another? That of course doesn't come without it's drawbacks either. Obsessing over looks beyond certain point can destroy one's self esteem. (I'd recall reading of a gallup in which it was found that the vast majority of women finds themselves somewhat unattractive.) Being slutshamed for having sex while also being circled by hordes of desperate men is an unwinnable situation.

I'm not asking you to be able to relate to women's troubles, I know from personal experience that for a person in your situation it's easy to feel like you'd take pretty much any plight to your life if you got some intimacy and as such it's impossible to understand how bad people on the polar opposite situation might have it, but I assure you that the grass just simply isn't any greener on the other side.

If I recall correctly, someone recommended to you that you should pay for a mentor to which you replied that you'll just watch Jordan Peterson and some other guy that I forgot until you get the money. Dude, why don't you just use that time to socialize with people instead. Loneliness in general is the biggest predictor to not having a romantic/sexual partner. If you don't meet any new people, you literally can't meet anyone that could fancy you. And social skills are called social skills for a reason. And as we both know, you can't learn any new skills without practise.

 

I don’t understand how you say that you are looking for a soulmate and at the same time believe that women somehow happen to have more soulmates walking around on earth than men. The chance that you will find another person like you or at least very similar to you is a mathematical chance (or maybe you believe in destiny?), it is not biased towards gender. Just because men are biologically=sexually more "aggressive" than women doesn’t mean that women desire romantic relationships with those men who are only interested in their bodies.

Also as a side note about the definition of intimacy, I do not think it is as simplistic as dictionaries make it out to be, although I'm not an expert on this either. But it is scientifically proven that the hormone Oxytocin is released in humans (and other animals) during sexual activity and close "intimate" physical contact, which includes watching porn, a one night stand and relationship sex. It’s supposed to bond us to our sexual partners through positive feelings (trust,loyalty), independent of our relationship with them. Biology doesn’t care about personal connection. Therefore I think the brain does not differantiate between sexual intercourse with a loved one, a hooker or a virtual woman when it releases bonding hormones, therefore I think the differentiation of physical intimacy and emotional intimacy is more accurate. Physical intimacy is physically-sexually bonding to someone through hormones because of sexual attraction towards a body to create offspring (a lot of people - especially women because they release more Oxytocin than men - report feeling confused after a one night stand because they developed feelings and attachement for a complete stranger) Emotional intimacy is bonding to someone by emotional closeness which can be amplified with the physical closeness and biological bonding hormones. So I think physical release and physical intimacy go hand in hand as part of sexual intercourse because it’s physical release in combination with social closeness=bonding. While for example eating food is strictly a physical release. At least that’s how I make sense of it in my head.

 

That's just not true for tons and tons of women...

You have an obvious bias that only allows you to see what you already believe. It's called confirmation bias. You seem to only see your negative experiences, and you only see women's positive experiences. But you ignore all of women's negative experiences. You SAY that you know women have negative experiences too, but yet you continue to believe that they have it easy when it comes to dating and finding a partner.

Oh, brother. I've never heard such ridiculous nonsense. I have absolutely no desire to be with any man who thinks multiple sexual partners makes them a good catch. What you just said about loyalty, for women, is equally applicable to men. There is no reason for the double standard you've set here.

Also, if this man has been "tested" by so many other women, but he is now single, doesn't that just tell future women that all of the other women he's been with deemed him unworthy of holding onto? Those relationships ended for a reason. If he was such a good partner, and he's been with so many women, why did not a single one of them consider him good enough to keep around? Unless they were all madly in love with him, and he was the one who ended all of the relationships, which would be a whole other issue to contend with, because that doesn't sound appealing either. A high number of sexual partners says absolutely nothing about how good of a partner someone would be.

It's interesting to me that you're a fan of Jordan Peterson, because Peterson seems to be pretty against the kind of victim mentality you seem to have when it comes to dating.

 

Here's the thing. Even if this statement is true, do you really think this debate is benefiting you in any way? Is it helping you or hindering you, this pattern you have of continuously telling yourself that men have such a hard time finding relationships and women have it so easy?

That's the thing I dislike about this debate. It's not even about whether or not the statement is true, it's about whether or not it is helpful to you to be so fixated on such a statement.

It's pretty statistically shown that women have a harder time entering engineering fields. But what would you think if you saw a woman who desperately wants to be an engineer, and she spends a good amount of time online talking about how hard it is for women to become engineers and how much easier it is for men? Wouldn't that strike you as being counter productive to her goals? It is NOT impossible for her to become an engineer. So fixating on the statistics of how much harder it will be for her as a woman is useless and will only hinder her confidence and discourage her from trying. Fixating on that claim, even if it's a true claim, isn't going to help her become an engineer any sooner.

The same can be said for you in this subject. I really don't see any benefit to you in debating for 5 pages about whether or not women have it easier in dating and fixating on how hard it will be for you to find a partner because you're a man.

Plenty of men have found partners incredibly easily. Why couldn't that be you? It could, but it certainly won't be if you continue to believe it's almost impossible or it's extremely difficult. That mindset is counter productive, which is why I spent so much time earlier in this thread trying to get you to snap out of it. I'm trying to help you see that this mindset isn't helping you, and is actually probably holding you back quite a bit.

I don't believe in the law of attraction, per se, but I do believe that there are times in which you can end up creating your own reality. It's called a self-fulfilling prophecy. As an author, if I tell myself every day that writing a book is really hard and tons of people who want to get published never get agents, etc. etc., I would probably never end up writing any more books. Focusing on the hurdles isn't helpful unless it's a hurdle you are in control of and can remove. If it's just a fact of life, then your best bet is to focus on what you CAN control, and focus on the positives, especially when you are talking about something like dating, which is an area in which one tends to benefit from confidence.

 

I agree with you on that point, in order to form a long-lasting and fruitful connection we need to forge trust between partners. And without fidelity, there would be no trust, to begin with. Me too I see this kind of mentality as a red flag in men.

This double standard only exists in male-dominated societies, where families are patrilineal and the child is given the father's name. By this logic, any woman who is sexually promiscuous will produce a child whose father is unknown, which is a huge disadvantage in a patrilineal setting for both her and her family. Men, on the other hand, could easily evade responsibility by denying any relation to the child, thus facing no serious consequences at all along with their families.

This is the core origin behind this double standard you speak about. Even after sexuality became regulated by religion and ethics, and promiscuity became an immoral act, the unchanged rules above led to women bearing most (if not all) of the shame and alienation that resulted from vilifying promiscuity.

I have seen some of his ideas and opinions, to be honest, he isn't the kind of person who strikes me as a decent guidance. He contradicts himself a lot, especially when trying to conceal his most controversial views. Though I admit he has deep knowledge in psychological analysis.

 

I definitely disagree with you on that. I think Peterson is very wise and has great guidance on many subjects. But this isn't really the place to debate about whether or not Jordan Peterson is a good person to listen to, so I'll just leave it at that.

 

I won't push this debate in the direction of whether or not Jordan Peterson is great. But you really should look a little deeper into his most controversial statements. Aside from that, he has a good approach to dissecting the human mind.

 

That's the advice repeated non-stop by those so-called pick-up artists. These guys are the most narcissistic, insecure pricks.

 

Just out of curiosity, why would it be difficult for women to enter engineering fields? It seems a lot of members have made this statement without further clarifications.

 

It's not that ridiculous. It looks like you are dealing with anhedonia, one of the many aspects of depression. The inability to connect with your own emotions is due to how persistently you repressed them. The problem with this attitude is that any repressed thought or feeling will influence you regardless of whether you are aware or not. It's even worse in case we are talking about emotions related to traumatic experiences.

 

That's incorrect and here's why: what I was referencing were statistical differences. For instance if you smoke cigarettes, you are more likely to get cancer, but there are still people who smoke cigarettes but don't have cancer. The same way just because being socialized to be mindful of one's appearance and hygiene makes people more likely on average to get positive attention doesn't mean that it'll automatically get positive attention to everyone doing it. There are also other factors at play. Also as I said women are shamed for pursuing sex, so of course even an attractive man will have less people of the opposite sex outright pursuing them.

That's totally just your headcanon. I couldn't find any sources on the subject so can't give a certain answer, but women being shamed for sex, just like a lot of social standard isn't 100% based on any coherent line of logic, but rather on historical customs, such as the overall sex negative attitudes western civilization used to hold and how women were in the past viewed as the property of their fathers and husbands.

Unfortunately attraction isn't a set of simple easily defined actions that you do and then get the reward. It's a lot more complicated than that.

Isn't that a pretty significant part of the problem though? Like I used to struggle with getting any positive attention from women and a big part of it was that I wasn't really talking to all too many women so there wasn't even much of chances for women to give me positive attention, yet I kept blaming things like me being unattractive and women having too high standards. I have a feeling that you've got somewhat similar situation going on.

 

That doesn't make it true though. Shit doesn't taste good even though million flies think so. Just because some views about women get repeated in certain male dominated communities dogmatically doesn't mean that they are true.

 

So effective. Cut to the chase. I would also add "be interesting" as number 4. You got to show you are passionate in something.

 

I can tell you directly out of my experience that to spend time looking for girls' attention, chasing and getting obsessed with them is a waste of time and energy.

In order to find a girlfriend you need to act like a magnet. I mean it.

When we are chasing girls they sense our neediness, and that is a super turn off for them, they just smell it. I think this is one explanation of the typical case when you feel that a new girl likes you and the moment you get obsessed with her she rejects you. I never understood it until recently.

Also a woman likes attention. Not because they are shallow or something. They look for it in the same way that guys look for admiration. It is in our genes bro. Maybe a girl that is not into you is just looking for this attention. As men we are the owners of who to give atention to, but this would ve another topic.

So, we don't go after girls but become a suitable magnet, how to do this?

- Stop PMO at all costs. Today. You have resources here and elsewhere to help you. This leads to the next point.
- Find a PURPOSE in life, a mission to help others or whatever thing bigger than yourself and spend your energy in this. I'm not telling you to forget about the rest. But a guy with this purpose becomes more attractive.
- Lift weights. This will give you more confidence generally speaking.
- Find a hobby that you can enjoy.
- Cultivate social life. You will find a girlfriend somewhere and the more chances you create the better. Don't get obsessed with thoughts like "Will my future gf be in this event?", focus on enjoying the company of people and have fun. Of course these thoughts are always there, and they are nice. But just a couple of drops of them, not the full bottle.
- Learn to enjoy starting conversations with new people, girls of course, but really all kind of people. This gives you confidence as well, and a feeling of "I don't care about what comes next". With girls is also super important to enjoy the conversation. Try to forget about expectations and your brain can use this energy (wasted otherwise) in creating a good connection and a good conversation.

I really hope it helps. There are more points I guess, but these are a good beginning. As I told you, I learned this by experience. Then I read some "theory" and everything made sense. Don't get discouraged my friend

 

This is extremely off topic, so I'm not going to discuss it here. I used it as an analogy. It seems to be shown statistically, I think. Maybe not. Could be wrong. It doesn't really matter much, because it was just an analogy to show how that kind of mindset wouldn't be helpful, even if it was true.