My bf is addicted to findom and femdom. How can I help him?

In august 2021, I discovered cashapp requests in my boyfriend's email from different findoms, "mistresses", "goddesses". He claimed that it was a fetish that he had not engaged in since before we were in a committed relationship. Unfortunately, this was untrue. He was vague on sharing details with me but assured me that it wasn't what I thought. I'm not sure what i thought. So, I started extensive research on the fetish, the means of access to the fetish, and how it is hidden.

Fast forward to November 2021, thanksgiving eve: he hid our pictures on his Instagram account. When questioned why over a period of several days he admitted that it was became a "findom" had added his account and he feared they would contact me and make false claims against him... unknown to me at the time there is a blackmail aspect of the findom/femdom fetish. I felt so disrespected and betrayed, but I stood by his side and believed him when he said he was quitting this for good.

December 2021/January 2022 he gets caught several times using Instagram inappropriately to contact findoms. He deactivates his personal Instagram and weeks later I find an entire burner Instagram account that is dedicated to being a "slave or paypig" that Hes possibly had for 1-2 years. It had 1000 findoms that he was following and about 500 were following him. He made several posts that even indicated his location. Again, I felt incredibly betrayed. He claimed up and down that he was going to delete the account. Eventually he reactivated his "personal" Instagram account again and swore up and down he was not using it inappropriately. Well, he was.

Valentine's day 2022: I hit a low point... I saw that he was liking a findoms pictures and I contacted them. They extorted several hundred dollars from me with promises of sending me pages of screenshots of communication with my boyfriend. The few screenshots I did receive were very hurtful disrespectful toward me and crossed so many boundaries in our relationship. I confronted him, reset boundaries, and gave him yet another chance.

It is now May 2022. Two nights ago I looked through his phone and saw a screen recording of a conversation he was having on a fake snap chat account. There were tons of women's names that said "selling content". Once again, I confronted him. He gave me the log in information and what I saw was heartbreaking to me. He was asking to meet up with several women to have them do fetish activities with him which he claims he never followed through but just enjoyed the idea of it. He send several pictures of himself in the conversations and there was even fetish sexting back and forth and even talked about self-harm with them which is new information and another aspect of this destructive fetish.

I am just feeling so lost. When will this end? Why am I not enough for him? I have offered to engage in whatever he wants and even tried to do the findom fetish and humiliation fetish with him. I don't know what else I can do. This time He has promised that he will seek therapy, he will delete every social media or temptation to do with this fetish and swears up and down that he has never met up with anyone or physically cheated. He claims he will do anything if I stay with him, he was visibly upset and crying and appears to be remorseful. He has said that I can have full access to his phone ect. He has worked so hard to hide this lifestyle from me and hide the talking to them and engaging with them. What can I do to help him get over this fetish? How can I be supportive to him? I am heartbroken and betrayed but I am unable to leave him. I want to help him. Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading my story.

 

Hello,

Thank you for your response. Believe it or not, I am working on that. Outside of my relationship I am a nurse in my community and nurses tend to make a million excuses for people and try to fix everyone in their personal lives. Standing up to him several times since finding out and telling him my boundaries has been huge for me. I also was previously in a domestically abusive relationship prior to him, so I do have a history of "being a doormat" but working on it a day at a time. Im thankful for any feedback on my post and thankful that theres a support section on here. Thanks again

 

Hello,

Thank you for your response! You are right, I am tired of the competition. and there is no way I can know what is going on in his head , im not even sure he knows or understands what is going on in his head or what the deeper issues are that drives this behavior. And agreed I did start to get obsessed with trying to be what he was looking for and go down the hole and you know what I thought it was helping curb his cravings and it certainly did not.. he continued on. STD panel has been obtained/clear previously and I plan to complete another for peace of mind which he is agreeable to as well. Im sorry for that woman that contracted HIV that is heartbreaking. I am trying hard to find a way to take care of myself this is very difficult on me, and I am struggling hence why I joined this community. Initially I joined because I was looking for similar stories from men and women that are struggling with "findom, femdom" and the variety of different aspects of it and how they were doing with it or if they are able to recover. Then I found this partner support and began reading those stories and got the courage to make a post. So here I am. I have said over and over again to him this time around that he has to want it. I cant drag him there and force him. Ive also said today that If hes not going to therapy for himself because he wants to get help and is soley going for me to keep me... then do not bother going. Thank you again for weighing in and taking the time to read my story.

 

Hello,

Thank you for your response! I am thankful to get the perspective from someone that has similar interests in the same fetishes and compulsions. I am trying really hard to be supportive and non-judgement to him as I do love him very much and wish to build a family with him someday. Having done extensive research on this stuff I have seen/heard of that path of letting the partner with the fetish dabble per say. Unfortunately, I am the type of woman that wants commitment to the full extent, not to be a party pooper or a prude I feel safest in my relationship if it is just the two of us and I do not think I would be able to stomach him engaging in the behaviors outside of our relationship. (which is kind of funny because he is engaging online.......surprise, I can't stomach it lol) I should also say that I am sensitive to others and their energy. I can feel when there are others in our energy field and it feels painful and wrong to me. So though I know this option of dabbling in the community does work for some, I dont think it would work for us due to my sensitivity, jealousy, ect. If the roles were reversed, he would be beside himself and has admitted that. He gets upset if another man even looks in my direction. Lying has been a huge part of this. Im not sure if he lies because he doesnt trust me or if hes afraid of me feeling different about him/leaving him. Weve had many come to jesus moments through this and he has shared alot and Ive remained kind and non judgemental toward him yet it keeps being an issue and I keep finding out more painful things or catch him doing stuff. Where we live it is hard to find a therapist that specializes in these behaviors, sex addiction yes, but this is specific. Ive had several turn me down so far. We are in the New England area. But also Im wondering, if he was wanting to stop would he be looking for the therapist for himself/us? or would I be looking??... he has to want to change or want to stop this. And it is comforting to know that he possibly does really love me despite all this. Some of the messages I have discovered between him and these women online are very painful to read and I am really struggling wondering If me trying to help him is all for nothing. Thank you again I am thankful for your perspective.

 

I agree with you that he doesn't have any idea what to do. He is a very private person (not to make excuses), but I believe that has been a barrier to even being agreeable to seeking therapy or seeking any kind of help. He believes this problem makes him a weak person, hes ashamed, and hes embarrassed. It breaks my heart that he is hurting so badly although I am hurting because of the betrayal part. I hope that him and I will be together that long and have our "good different" someday.

 

I am so sorry about your friend getting cervical cancer from HPV. That is absolutely unfair and heartbreaking. Thank you, I am protecting myself. We will both be getting screened for std's although he says hes never acted on this in person, I would like to be safe. All of our finances are separate and any bills we do share, he gives me the money for. He has also offered to provide access to any bank accounts ect for my viewing. I am trying not to get into this obsessive rabbit hole of monitoring his every move because I know it will make me sick. I am currently in school online for an advanced nursing degree to get out of bedside nursing and help to better our lives together. With this last incident before Easter, I can definitely see it has affected me negatively in school and i am being honest with myself about that. I need to get focused on my own healing while trying to not be overly focused on his. It is true at the end of the day he has to do the work. Thank you for taking the time to read my story and for your response to my post.

 

Hello again,
No need to apologize! This is the internet after all, and I knew that posting my story would bring differing opinions, recommendations, and reactions. I am thankful for all of them. I do agree with you that he is in a pretty deep dark space with this. I had actually read your post today and almost quoted you to him when you said "He may manage to stop for a short while but once everything has calmed down he will almost certainly slip back into his old ways." and in response he told me that what you said is what he has been doing each time. He would stop for a short time and then bargain with himself that things are good with us, ive stopped bringing it up or Ive stopped accusing him of anything, hell just do it this one time, maybe hell only do this or that.. so hell just look up the material.. then it will turn into messaging a few of them on instagram.. then maybe hell stop a few days.. then hes full blown back into it with no regard for anyone or anything until it all blows up in his face. And I thank you for saying the last part, I do question if he cares for or wants something else with these women and I am very hard on myself about it. Its definitely distorted the way I look at myself, my body, ect.