I guess I feel like spilling my heart out again

I’m currently on day 2 again . I started taking ashwaghanda and it has helped with my anxiety and my moodiness . I still feel very very sad and hopeless . I know I talk about this a lot, but I feel like I may never ever be “normal” again . All I ever think about is that morning I woke up when I was 20 ( am now 30) and I remember fantasizing about my normal fantasy and I couldn’t get aroused. It’s like my senses had become dulled and I couldn’t get a full erection or keep one . The night before I was doing alot of drugs and edging and fapping for hours and hours . When I woke up the next morning I could no longer become aroused . Fast forward 10 years and I still can’t stop looking at porn or fapping . I had dreams when I was younger . I had dreams of a wife and kids and a dog and the white picket fence . The older I get the more I think that I may only get to experience this at night in my dreams. I dream of being normal alot , I dream of being in love and not having pied . I wake up and it’s back to this miserable reality . These past 10 years I have been on a Deathwish . I have taken all kinds of drugs and drank tons of alcohol . I didn’t die I just kept waking up . When I was 22 I ran a knife into my leg and almost severed my femoral artery because of my addiction to porn . I survived but I will have the scar on my thigh for life . Things look and feel very very bleak . I feel like I am in this dark pit and theirs no way out of it . I worry that I permanently damaged my brain and maybe it’s going to be like this for the rest of my life . It’s not easy living alone in a 550 square foot apartment . It’s not easy having your parents ask you why you never have a girlfriend, thinking you are gay . I went to my parents house a couple nights ago . My brother and his girlfriend were there . His girlfriend is a very caring person and seems to like me . My dad told me the next day when I saw him again that she is worried about me . He said when I left she said that she wishes I could find someone. She said that she hates to see me so bitter and spend my time alone all the time . I have shared on here that my father has multiple sclerosis and I don’t know how long he has left. He’s losing more of his ability to walk and his ability to speak . His voice is getting weaker and he could lose his voice . He told me last night that he really doesn’t want me to be alone once he’s gone . I tried to tell him awhile ago what was going on but he’s 60 years old and I don’t think people had PIED when he was younger . He couldn’t really grasp what I was saying to him . I tell myself when he’s gone I won’t have anything else and I can just “go” too. I think once he dies I won’t be so afraid to leave this world anymore . I just wanna take care of him till he passes and then I want to check out too. You can breathe helium until you fall asleep and it’s a very peaceful way to go . I don’t know what I’ve done to myself . I find joy from nothing . It’s like my Brain won’t release the chemicals needed to feel joy. Like I know I’m supposed to be happy but my brian won’t do it. It’s weird . The most beautiful girl could tell me she likes me and I wouldn’t care . All I feel is despair . I’ve had to turn girls down in the past . How could I date someone being how I am ? The girl wants to make love and you can’t . It’s how it is. It’s not so much I want to die it’s just I want to start over somewhere else in another dimension . If anyone is going through something similar I would love to hear from you .

 

I’m close to a beach . It’s not a nice beach by any means but it’s a beach lol . Their are some trails around too . My friend sometimes takes me frisbee golfing but honestly I don’t care for it . I mean like you said , I know we can’t wallow in self pity and we have to work the program . Sometimes the real world just fucks me up so much man . All your childhood friends married with children and your like, “this is my life “. What did I do that was so wrong to deserve this . It’s like torture man and it’s very debilitating . I think we talked about this on a post I made in the past . It’s hard to find things that are enjoyable with this looming over your head . I also have a kink and I’m trying to overcome that . I’m on testosterone replacement therapy as well and my testosterone levels are super high and I still have no libido . I think about restarting like you said all the time . I have this scar on my leg and every time I see it I think of what I did to myself . I’ve become in the know about the agenda for some years now. Sometimes I see the normies on the streets or at work and I tell myself how stupid they are. Then at times I kinda envy them cause if I was them I wouldn’t have the problems that I have. I find myself going from “gods not real” to “I’m furious with god “. When I used to go to AA years ago , this was common amongst many alchi’s and addicts . I think it’s like you said I have to find shit to do . Idk if we’re ever get out I hope we will . I am one way or another . I wish their was a place people like us could meet . Not really AA based but just try and help each other and shit .

 

Yeah dude what kind of music do you listen to ? I mostly listen to punk music and that’s about it. I like some post hardcore but mostly punk music . Yeah my kink I’m told isn’t really bad , is what people on here say . Most people says it sounds more amusing than anything .

yeah me and my coworker were just talking about the agenda again today lol . We talk about it everyday cause neither of us know many people who care lol. I guess you do all you can and the rest just has to play out. I’m thinking of going to the beach soon and just start walking around the beach town we have here . Lots of tourist but it’s a nice place to visit.

i clicked on your profile in an attempt to private message you but it says you limit who can see your profile . The message option isn’t their .

 

I like old story of the year , ADTR and I’ve been a Silverstein fan for years now. I like old blink-182 and shit like that . Do you feel anything from music anymore man

 

Try and send me a message Kopykat