The Lord of the Rings Challenge

Start of Day 2!

 

Day 48

 

Dawn of the 89th day.

 

Day 1 as an Orc complete.

Over the last couple of days, I've been trying to figure out how I ended up falling while being so vigilant.
Yes, I had urges, but not so bad that I couldn't have managed to ignore/suppress... I had done it before, just a day earlier in fact. I was being vigilant. So why did I slip up?
I think I've come to a realization: I was in a weakened state of mind.
I couldn't recognize it at the time... this is only happening in hindsight because I feel like proper crap today.
It's been slowly building over the last couple of weeks.
So, I believe that's why I fell to my usual "coping mechanism" i.e Prawn.
There's not much I can do other than keep pushing ahead to feel better mentally as I also push ahead with my goals.
One step at a time.
Stay vigilant.

 

Day 478 no PMO. Yesterday was a tough day. One of my employees quit and I fired another one. Overall I handled it well I think. I just reminded myself that God has a plan, I don’t know what his plan is, but overall it is for the good of the world. Might not be for my good but that’s ok. The world isn’t just about me.

 

Day 4 check in

 

Checking in for day 17

 

194

 

Starting over again after not being here for so long time, so I will be back helping my fellowships, and starting my road again from the beginning.
Day 0

 

1 day
Big challenge today. Only have one day to lose so I do it to keep my dignity

 

Day 0

I have been experiencing unbearable pain in my heart for as long as I can remember. I really don't know what to do. I had been planning to stay with a friend from tomorrow til Sunday, along with a bunch of other people from my church, but I really don't think I'm up to it. The girl I still have feelings for will be there and I dread the thought of spending four days around her. I'm still terribly heartbroken over her and the pain is driving me crazy. I don't think it would be a good idea for me to go there.

I didn't know what to do about the pain. I tried talking to people, I even left the house and went shopping, read some books, anything to try and help myself feel better, but the pain wouldn't go away. I get down on my knees and pray, I read holy scripture, I'm even on antidepressants at the moment.

But the only thing that seems to take away the pain at the moment is PMO. It's the only thing that makes me feel at ease and gets rid of the pressure. But that's not good. I imagine this is gonna come back and bite me on the arse very soon.

I don't know how to bail out of this trip to my friend's place, as it won't be the first time I've bailed on something this girl has gone to. But I really don't think I can do it. Maybe the best thing for it is to say honestly on the group chat "Sorry guys, I'm feeling very under the weather at the moment so I don't think I'm up to it. " Which is true. My mental health has been a travesty for as long as I can remember and I don't think it would do me much good to go there and potentially screw myself up even more.

What I'd like to now more than anything is just sit somewhere and chill with some books: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime, A Man Called Ove and Turtles All the Way Down, and maybe The 100-Year-Old Man Who Jumped Out of a Window and Disappeared. Think it would do me good to read those kinds of wholesome, life-affirming books.

And I know that what I want more than anything is to find somebody to love, somebody to build a life with, and the PMO dependency is for the most part a way to numb myself to the unbearable pain of loneliness and heartbreak. I have moments where I feel hopeful, that there is somebody out there for me, but in my low moments I get stuck in my head and that only takes me deeper into the labyrinth.

 

Checking in day 1 as an orc.

 

Uhu, I'm Uruk hai now.

I really love my job, and because of it, a time goes really fast and I don't usually have urges during the working hours, because I'm in the "flow"

 

Day 10!
Low urges yestarday, worked out today and always trying to eat healthy. Today recieved good news, I changed to a new job, the pay is better and I will learn a lot of cool things, so I feel good with it.

Keep strong my brothers.

 

Day 16!

 

Checking in day 214.

 

I love when the storyline changes. Day 8... a uruk hai is born. Heading now for a week long journey to the shire.

 

Met up with two friends to celebrate our birthdays and had a nice time. It was good to get a lot of things off my chest, and what I appreciate most of all is that we can be really honest with each other.

Only unfortunate thing is I came home and PMO'd again. I need to find a better way to cope in those low moments when I feel like I'm suffocating. Perhaps the best thing for it is just to write and talk to someone for now. Yes, writing helps.

Hanging out with my friends took a lot of pressure off my shoulders, since we all admitted to each other we're struggling with PMO. But the thing is, I don't want to just be complacent and resign myself to PMO addiction, as I know it doesn't do me any good. I want to find a better way to cope with what I'm feeling.