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Found an email in his junk folder

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by LifeHappens, Jun 12, 2022.

  1. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    The email itself isn’t reason to suspect. I still get those messages, maybe once every other week. The guilty, depressed, closed up, and easily irritable behavior, though. That’s no bueno. You say you’re both going through a hard time right now, that’s a trigger. And while I get spam I’ve never responded. Even if I wanted to talk to a real, attractive, willing person, in my experience it just doesn’t work like that. I figure it’s a bot, and the only thing worse than getting catfished is getting catphished. But your husband has a history of going for that kind of thing, so that counts. All the evidence compiles.

    I feel some sympathy for your husband. I’ve been in the same emotional state he seems to be in. I lied about a poor recovery, mostly to myself because my wife rarely asked. It’s weird to try to convince yourself you did one thing when you obviously did another. More often an addict tries to justify or excuse addicted behavior, either prior to a reset, or retroactively. We tell ourselves it’s not as bad as it seems, people (including ourselves) are overreacting, nobody understands, etm. I fiercely, desperately don’t want to be the person I am, because the thing I need destroys myself and everyone around me. It’s an impossible situation, and it’s easy to pile recriminations on myself. I swear I’ll never do it, that it’s vital that I don’t, that I absolutely can’t. This is Rubicon, this is Thermopylae, every battle is essential to the war… and sometimes that’s enough but after that trigger there’s always another, and it only takes once to collapse the whole thing. Then even more recrimination. Don’t I want to be free? Don’t I love them enough to suffer through this? Evidently not. It’s a wretched place to be. Many SOs take the lies as proof that their addict doesn’t care. It’s intuitive sense, because the lies hurt and the SO has told him that, and he still lies anyway. If the addict didn’t care, though, he wouldn’t have a problem admitting he reset. An addict tries to present the version of himself he wishes he was, because he wants to protect his SO from the person he is.

    I have sympathy for the addict in a relationship, but also for the SO. There’s a tough choice to make. Honestly, the person you love currently doesn’t exist. He’s been bitten by a zombie, and though recovery is possible, he’s ultimately responsible for it. I have to emphasize, it’s not about how bad he wants it, but how effective his recovery efforts are. His recovery is out of your control, but you hold one half of the relationship. If he can’t maintain his end, porn is going to chew you up, too. You may need to make some hard choices about how long and how much you will tolerate before calling retreat.

    Every relationship and addiction has its nuances. I can’t tell you what you should do or what I would do, other than establish some limits.
     
    MakeItStop123 and Tannhauser like this.
  2. A Conqueror

    A Conqueror Fapstronaut

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    I'm 95% sure he has relapsed, it's the truth. He wouldn't show guilt and embarrasement otherwise. He would become angry, become intense defending his position, because it's something that he has put his whole effort to (not relapsing) and you're questioning him, doubting, he would be mad, but he doesn't.

    I would tell you to let him be, in reality he will not change if he doesn't want to. Do not anchor your happiness and peace to his doings, just focus on your happines, on what you can control, other things are not your business. I would tell you to just be clear and tell him. Listen, I don't believe you've been clear and open with me, I don't believe you havent relapsed, and that's ok. Whenever you feel like wanting to change, if you decide to change, I'll be here to support you, but now do whatever you want, it's your decision, but do not pretend that you're tricking me.
    One last point, the porn blockers are just bullcrap, that's the most stupid and babyish approach, there's only one blocker and that's yourself. It's a matter of decision, conviction and strenght; not being deprived of. If you keep an alcoholic tied for 3 years and then release him, he will sooner or later return to drinking. Bye, stop stressing
     
    LonelyStar likes this.
  3. LifeHappens

    LifeHappens Fapstronaut

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    I do need to trust my gut, but it’s so hard when the other person is so sad looking and I eventually start feeling sorry for him. But I told him that I can see that he is not in recovery, the longest he’s managed to be clean is 2 weeks (his words) and now it’s supposedly 5 weeks and he hasn’t not once mentioned it or wanted to celebrate or acknowledge how well he’s doing ... that’s strange to me..

    That’s exactly how he is, you described him to a T in your reply! It is fucking scary to me how he can make himself believe of something that is so far from true. And yes he wants to portray the person he wants to be (a loving husband and father) while doing god knows what in secret

    I have been waiting for him to take control of his recovery for 6 and a half years. And I have now given up. But still stupidly hoping and wishing, and still getting hurt by his lies and hidings. I do have to set some limits but they are hard to establish without sounding like an ultimatum or a punishment. Everyone keeps telling me to set boundaries and limits, but how do you do that if he won’t even admit that he has relapsed. And if I react with a “punishment” to his relapse then that’s going to make him even more secretive next time..

    That’s some brilliant advice, I think that’s what I am going to do. And I agree with everything else you said too. Thank you. It’s been a great help.

    Although I still want to get to the bottom of this email draft to tigerkat69 I need to know who the fuck she is
     
  4. she-dernatinus

    she-dernatinus Fapstronaut

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    I do respect your choice of holding into your marriage. But trust me, had you never mentioned the idea of divorce, your man would still think there is no problem with whatever he was doing, and wouldn't even pay attention to how much it was hurting you. It is also very likely that he didn't take the idea of divorce that much into consideration in the beginning, and that might explain the reason he allowed himself to releapse despite how much you expressed your disdain towards it.

    But for me personally, I don't see any worth behind sustaining a relationship that brings us so much anxiety and distrust. Because it can severely impact your mental well-being, as well as your physical health. to both you and OP, do you think your partners would have done the same if the situation was reversed ?
     
  5. she-dernatinus

    she-dernatinus Fapstronaut

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    I think that quest should be more centered on finding the kind of man your husband really is. You can't discard him since he is an important factor in this whole scheme. It's easy, just pretend to be your husband and answer her, and try to know more about what your husband demands from her.

    You can get all the informations you need by doing this little trick, just stay cold-headed and don't let yourself be controlled by emotion. It's not going to lead anywhere.
     
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2022
  6. Welcome, Check your PM!
     
  7. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

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    I would like to reinforce what @Psalm27:1my light said. If there was one thing drilled into us over and over again it was to trust our gut instincts. That is one thing we can count on because it doesn't lie to us.

    One thing you said that really stands out and reinforces that gut instinct...
    Draft emails don't just show up. They're created. That's not spam. Somebody had to type that in and my educated guess is it was him.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  8. LifeHappens

    LifeHappens Fapstronaut

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    That’s true, now confirmed..


    Actually I do have proof of his fidelity which is reaching out to escorts and doing private video sessions. That is cheating. And all the rest will be revealed at the polygraph test.

    I don’t think any woman who was any self respect should accept this behaviour. I have checked out emotionally.

    An update for this thread.
    When I found the Tigerkat6969@..... draft email, there was another draft email addressed to Lydia Love with a subject line “Next week”, I just looked past it as stupidly thought it’s a work related email especially as the persons name came up not just the email address. But it wasn’t. I emailed Lydia and turns out she’s an escort within 5 miles from us!!
    That’s my update. Lesson learned, always trust your gut and even the seemingly small red flags!
     
  9. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

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    Ouch! That hurts! You're right. Always trust your gut. We were taught to record our red flags. Those seemingly small flags you speak of are like puzzle pieces. Get enough of them, and it paints quite a remarkable telling picture.
     
  10. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    First , I am so so sorry you are going through this . Spider senses are legit !!
     
  11. LifeHappens

    LifeHappens Fapstronaut

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    Yep it definitely sucks. He has now confessed that he used his Xbox to access the Adultwork website. Since then I booked a polygraph/lie detector test. That’s how desperate I was to know the truth. He had it yesterday and was in a great mood afterwards. While I was so sad that I had to resort to these measures, for how little trust we have and how everything has been destroyed by his lies.
    So as I told Psalm27:1my light that I have received the results. He was asked three questions,
    “Questions put to the examinee amongst others:
    1. Since August 2014 have you had sexual contact with anyone that your partner does not know about? (No)
    2. Since August 2014 have you had sexual intercourse with anyone besides your partner? (No)
    3. Since August 2014 have you met anyone you have been communicating with online for sexual purposes? (No)
    The examinee answered to the questions as indicated above. CONCLUSION
    The examinee’s polygraph test contained significant and consistent physiological responses on the above relevant questions, which are interpreted as deceptive responses.
    It is the opinion of our examiner that the examinee was not honest when he answered to the relevant questions regarding infidelity.”

    It seams that he failed the questions. I will receive a phone call tomorrow to further explain the results of this test, but I think it doesn’t look good.
     
  12. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

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    Well we kinda knew that's what we could expect. Talk to the polygrapher and see what he/she has to say about it. Was the result a "deception" or was it "inconclusive"? Sometimes I think "inconclusive" is just as bad. These tests aren't foolproof which is why here in the USA they are inadmissible in a court of law...and a catch phrase on Maury Povich!

    I'm so sorry. This is a really tough place to be in. Maybe he thinks he beat the test which may explain his great mood afterwards. Still I would take it as just another nail in the coffin for that list of red flags you're accumulating.
     
  13. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Many are happy because they believe they lie so well that they “ passed”. They believe their own lies, so they don’t really think they won’t pass.
     
  14. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I think some of the happiness is relief that it’s over maybe ? <3
     
  15. Long Range

    Long Range Fapstronaut

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    This looks to me like its just 100% spam. I have a Yahoo email account that I've had for years but that I never used for anything porn related and for some reason Yahoo email is quite susceptible to spam messages like this. I've received many messages identical to the one your partner received and it was totally unsolicited, so you should not hold it against him. But if you want to be sure, and I don't recommend this, just respond to the message, and I guarantee that they will eventually ask for money or a credit card etc which is the tell tale sign of a scammer.

    I switched to gmail and its much better. Actually protonmail is the best though if you want secure email. IMO Yahoo mail is the worst in terms of spam filtering and functionality too.
     
  16. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Nope. You get those because you go to porn sites. Now, it can take a while for them to drop off once you quit going. But once you quit, those types of emails no longer come. Besides , she has already confirmed that he did in fact use.
     
    rejected likes this.
  17. Long Range

    Long Range Fapstronaut

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    To be sure, I just checked my yahoo email spam folder, and there was similar messages like the one that the OP received. It was from someone claiming to be 'Laura Scott' and read, 'Feeling lonely, want to keep me company' and there was also a link to some kind of profile. There are other similar messages in there too. I'm pretty sure that there are webcrawler type bots that collect emails addresses and then sell them to scammers. The scammers then send messages to millions of email addresses hoping that a few people are dumb enough to respond. Most decent email services filter out this type of garbage, but not yahoo mail, likely because they profit from it.

    I am pretty sure that I've never used my yahoo email address for anything porn related, but if I had, it was 20 years ago. Also, keep in mind that I am specifically referring to yahoo mail, which is terrible in so many ways. I also just checked my gmail email address, and there was not any scammer type messages from people pretending to be women. This is a yahoo problem.

    If you want you check your partners email account, check his sent email. Also, keep an eye out for emails that are from subscription services like porn sites that are trying to get him to re-subscribe.

    Note that I'm not saying that her partner hasn't viewed porn, it sounds like he's admitted to it. But I would say that the email received that is in question here is very likely just a random scammer so she shouldn't view it as evidence of porn use.
     
  18. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    What I’m saying is if you go to porn sites you will get porn spam. You do not need to go to that particular site to get spam from them. If you never go to porn sites you will not get porn spam. Unfortunately for me, my yahoo is somehow connected to my husbands phone and when he is clean I get zero porn spam. When he isn’t I get inundated. Sucks for both of us. I usually already know is he’s slipped because of his behaviors and body language etc. but usually within 3 days the emails start up again. Just like when we started shopping for a bmw, guess what emails I start getting?
     
  19. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    What makes you think this? I never go to via**a sites but I get via**a spam. I never go to bitcoin sites but I get bitcoin spam. I think that often spammers just send out to an enormous list of email addresses hoping someone will be fool enough to click. If they do profile at all I suspect 'male' is enough for them.
     
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  20. Long Range

    Long Range Fapstronaut

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    Yes, that is true if you use a particular email address to sign up for the porn site, then you will for sure get porn advertisements and promotions sent to that email address; you may or may not get spam like the email in question which is slightly different imo.

    I get misc porn spam sent to my yahoo email even though I have not used it for anything porn related.

    Also, in my experience, once they have your email address and you start getting porn spam you will get it forever, especially in your spam folder. However a person can unsubscribe to legit subscription sites that they may have given their email address to in the past.

    They definitely target advertisements to specific people. Regardless, this thread makes me think that I should permanently discontinue using my old yahoo email address, it really is the worst email service, google is far superior.
     

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