Accountability for All

today, I've seen that the way the porn stuff arises in my mind: images and feelings from porn..... they have a certain attractiveness, sweetness....
I realize that this is a lie (it's one of the stupidest things in my life), I didn't already realize this stuff arises like it's something good and that's a lie....
the whole thing is a fucking lie to fuck me, betray me, trap me, ensnare me.... All false...
And it's really helping me to see that directly this is a deception it rises as sweet and my mind and it's a kind of sweet deadly poison...
I want to keep this awareness that I'm being deceived this is so important when it arises I go that's a fucking Lie.. it's deceiving me, it's killing me, it's deceiving me, it's killing me.... this really helps me pass it by and just let it go and not touch it I don't need to do anything I just need to let it go pay attention to something else

 

Checkin'

 

Day 2 check-in

 

Thanks, I like this. I hope I can keep that mindset too.

Day 1 again for me.

 

I wanted to say today I've seen that the way the porn stuff arises in my mind: images and feelings from porn..... they have a certain light attractiveness, sweetness....
I realize that this is a lie (it's one of the stupidest things in my life), I didn't already realize this stuff arises like it's something good and that's a lie....
the whole thing is a fucking lie to fuck me, betray me, trap me, ensnare me.... All false
All fucked up it's just this sweet shit that's actually poison that's directly intentionally maliciously deceiving see when I remember it's maliciously deceiving me to fuck me up oh it helps me say no so I'm saying no to that sweet thing Rising that's seeming like it advertising it feels good except it will kill you... it's poisonous and it will kill you...
No more politeness for this shit with me...

 

Relapsed again. The anxiety and loneliness always gets to me when I try to avoid any situation that is looming upon me

 

Checkin'

 

Checkin'. Last time I went back to college it was hard for me to change to go back to ways of not relapsing every three or four days in hostel. But now I have to realise that i am living here for a year till i graduate. I also have to stop eating junk food while i am in hostel or anywhere outside my home. Having a healthy life was one of the few good things that i had when I was at home. It really helped me in having longest streaks.

 

Checking in! Finished reading/listening to a book called Conversational Intelligence!!! Starting fresh again tomorrow!!!

 

Checkin'

 

Checkin'. Life sucks in college. It has always been like that. Like a loop that isn't stopping from same things and mistakes happening over and over again. This is the first time I have understood my addictive behavioral pattern while I am doing regular classes. The roots anxiety issues, the depression and ESPECIALLY anger. Damn there were so many times that I lost myself into rage of nothingness. The insecure feeling or rather the stress feeling that I usually cope with by jerking off to porn. It has pinned me into a corner that is tearing my graduation apart for so many problems and issues.

 

Checking in. You got this guys!

 

Checkin'. I think I should share this. Today I was ragged by kids who are almost 7 years younger than me. Its more than embarrassing, humiliation and shame and it has more to do with whats happening with my introvertsy towards people around me. I am well aware of how much it has to do with my addiction and it seemed like a unending same loop of shit. I think if it was me 2 or 3 years ago when I didn't even knew about porn addiction I would have just killed myself knowing that I am just an as#$h%! who deserve. Honestly for the last two I am really depressed with how my life is turning out be with the same bs over and over again. I wish I could just back home and hold my dog till my last breath.

 

Depression and porn together sucks, I'm sorry. Hang in there.

I relapsed again today. Not going to give up.

 

Checkin'

Thanks man

 

Checkin'. I slipped up accidently today that led me to urges and triggers to watch porn. I have to be more cautious from now on.

 

You got this!

Checking in today too. Keeping it clean so far

 

Checking in Day 4

 

Checkin'. Had a wet dream yesterday. Probably due to urges or triggers the day before.

 

Checkin'