The reason

I watch porn and masturbate to block out the feeling of loneliness. I make up excuses for myself, but at the end of the day that is what the reason is.

Then I get a good girl in my life, and everything seems ok. There is this unnerving feeling in the back of my head though, why isn't she like this? Why doesn't she dress like that or look like that? Then I push her away, in my mind, I can get a way better girl if I go somewhere else. Then I leave, and I try to get other girls. Oh, wait a second, I can get girls. But this feels like trash, zero connection. I sleep with one girl one day, and never talk to her again the next.

Now I am missing her, cause I pushed her away. Now I'm wondering if it was worth it, and hating myself for what I did. How I made her cry, how I made her hate me. What have I done? You thought you could be better, do better, just because you went 13 days without PMO? What a joke.

And the same endless cycle of self hate and sadness repeats itself again. Will I ever break these chains?

Maybe.

 

Both? I think by now I know that I need to figure out a way to forgive myself. Just a matter of figuring it out. Time is the biggest thing, huh?