how do i stop looking at handsome men around me?

There is good advice here: http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/newbies-faq.49575/

The 3-Second Rule

1. Notice—Here is where it starts. This is also the place you will need to be most vigilant and strong. You notice the beautiful/handsome woman/man at school, on TV etc. You must convince yourself that they aren't just walking around for your eye candy. They are people, too, and deserve to be treated as such.
2. Appreciate—This is where you find something about the woman you enjoy besides her breasts, butt etc. I would suggest hair, facial features or any non-sexually orientated feature.
3. Move On—By far the easiest step. Just simply get the hell away and move on with whatever you were doing. Force yourself and soon it will become habit. It's also good to use your fingers to count 1. Notice 2. Appreciate 3. Move On.

 

Because this us so new to me and I know I need support and help. What are your suggestions that I need to do first, considering this is my first day....

 

Well. After quitting P AND MO, The Brain looks around to find the Natural rewards it evolved to see. Real men are just an example of the natural rewards.

 

Tired:

First, congrats on sticking to this. I've been reading your posts, and I can sure understand so many of your feelings and frustrations.

Second, realize that when we've been consuming porn and fantasy, in conjunction with masturbation, this really sexualizes things. A guy walking down the street isn't just a guy walking down the street. It's part of the whole situation, and it will get better. It won't just suddenly turn off, but it will ease.

I agree with the 3-second rule IGY mentioned. That works.

Besides the 3-second rule, I try to do a couple of things:

- I talk to myself about who this person really is. It's not just a living, walking "image" for me to leer it, but a real human being. The more I think about his humanity, the harder it is for me to make an object of him.

- I turn my thoughts immediately to myself: this isn't about HIM, it's about ME. What's going on in ME right now? For me, that longing/hungering for another is about what I think is my need; in fact, I do NOT "need" that fellow, I don't need to stare at him. This is actually what I say to myself: "he's a nice looking guy, great; and I like looking at him -- no denial. But I don't NEED him; he's not here for ME, he doesn't have anything for me."

Here's why I think that's important. What I'm doing is moving ahead to where this staring/lusting is headed: to me making him a part of a fantasy. But why should I do that?

For me, defeating this addiction has happened, to a great measure, because I stopped myself and looked squarely at what was going on inside me; what was the feeling I was feeling, and why. Was it related to anything that had happened before? Was I bored or tired? Frustrated or lonely or hungry? So often, a longing for a cute guy is really about feeling lonely -- or having a bad day at work.

 

I agree with everything so far. I dig the advice and personal experience of most recent post.

For as many ways as there are to think wrongly about men, there are as many antidotes. I am talking based on the premise that objectfying men and women is fundamentally the same and differs only in superficial ways, so if you disagree with that and think I should speak only from my own experience with men, feel free not to listen.

The introspection and assumption of personal responsibility that Septimus refers to are invaluable tools. They also have many different aspects and you will learn how to best employ them the more you use them. I should say again, there are many, many tools. To list them all is way beyond my capacity, and to list as many as I know like I'm rattling off test answers won't help.

But here are two extensions of Septimus' methods that could help you. If they don't produce any benefit on their use, use your discretion. If they unsettle your mind further there is no need to use these techniques.

Technique #1
Imagine men older than you as your father, men the same age as as your brother, men younger than you as your son.

This is a very old and very valuable technique that is common in both folk wisdom and many faith traditions. It has fallen out of favor in the modern age along with most any attempt to curb or educate our animal nature. Also, some rare people (though increasingly common it seems) cannot practice it because of the toxicity of their family relationships.

The purpose of this technique is not to somehow convince you that the object of your attachment really IS your brother and then disengage yourself through shame and disgust "Gross! He's your brother!!!!" The purpose is to help you see himas a person, someone more than just an object of your sexual gratification, and relate to him in a healthy way. Needless to say that is a process not a lightswitch.

Well, I've already rambled longer than I intended. So just one technique is fine, understanding that more ways will open to you the more you work at it. If you want to know more there are lots of people who can talk with greater authority on these subjects. But much more important than knowing intellectually what all your options are for placing your mind in a healthier space to relate to men is that you quickly identify one or a few methods that help you and then practice them extensively, in a steady yaklike way, and without discouragement. Nothing gets fixed overnight. It's a process!

Cheers!

 

I really appreciate all of the encouraging words and antidotes to help me start to deal with this sickness. I do agree that mastrubation has replaced a lot of things in my life. Especially if I'm just sitting around bored. Or feeling less than.
Even when I was in a committed relationship, I constantly masturbated. It wasn't like we weren't sexually active. But I had to conciously stop, because at times I preferred it than intimacy. I do think it stems from being sexually molested and raped and a very young age. My mother has recently stated to me that she thinks that I was molested as an infant. I don't recall anything myself, but she stated that at a doctor's visit I stated something that caught her and my doctor off guard, but like most no one looked into it. so I think my sexual appetite began very early. Now it's gotten yet of control. I'm not sexually active at the moment. It's been 3yrs. Since my breakup. So I think that's another reason I do this so often. But I'm going to try all the tips above. It is the beginning...I will overcome this.

 

@tiredofmyself and @Hootie are you gay by the way? Or it's just a kind of "Same-sex attraction" and you're straight?

 

this was actually my next step since I quit looking at pictures about a month ago, and now I quit my final internet habit!! yeah!!!!
this was actually my next step, glad I found this post!!! wow perfect advice!!!!! I will take it and run like the wind, to my dreams in life!!!
thanks 1000 times over, Igy!!!!!!!

 

I would say get one to be in your bed but choose the best one This is not about stopping healthy relationships but distractive harmful behaviours.