Introducing Joshua

Hello!

My name is Joshua, I am 32-years-old, and I hail from the corny state of Iowa here in the United States.

I have been addicted to porn and masturbation since somewhere between the ages of 10-12 when I realized I could look it up using my uncle’s computer, and while as a teenager I tried very hard to stop, nothing I did was effective. This led me to eventually believe the lie that I would be stuck with this addiction for the rest of my life.

Almost two years ago I became serious about kicking my addiction and found the courage to join a recovery program. For seven months I journeyed through the material with three other guys, one of which remains a consistent friend and partner in this journey to this day. I’ve excavated my story, discovered many, many helpful things about my past and what has contributed to my addiction and desires, and have become very self-aware to my triggers and my emotions and their contribution to the struggle. It’s been up and down, extreme highs and extreme lows, and a lot of learning and growth.

In addition to my struggle with porn and masturbation I have also wrestled with my sexuality, as I have experienced attraction to the same sex since I can remember (though in my early years it is questionable as to whether or not my draw toward masculinity was really sexualized or not, or whether porn actually led to the sexualizing of the draw to what I needed but did not receive from my father). God has led me on a journey of reclaiming my masculinity, redirecting my misdirected desires, and being deeply satisfied in vocational singleness.

All this to say, my life feels messy. I am a Christian walking with Jesus, and He remains the focal point of my life - the one consistent amidst a constantly shifting and turbulent sea. This informs my motives for being here on NoFap: I desire my sexuality and all it involves to be fully surrendered to my God and Savior. I feel stagnant in my growth, at least in the area of masturbation. I’ve found myself in a rut of falling to masturbation every 2-3 days. Bigger than porn, became my issue with sexting. My phone is extremely locked up - I have no social media or access to any of the sites that have caused me issues in the past. A friend who knows my struggle holds the passcode, and he’s been a phenomenal friend in all of this.

I’m here to re-engage my recovery, especially the addicted brain, the physiological side of it. My wounds and story that inform my behavior are well understood, and God is healing there. I want to renew my mind and work through withdrawal and replace my behavior with things that will enrich my life in a way that is glorifying to God and edifying to me and those around me.

Those are the basics of my recovery journey. I’m excited to be here, and hope to find an accountability partner and friend to engage with regularly about this stuff, and utilize the journal section of this forum to document my process to keep me focused and working through it.

Thank you so much for listening to my story - let’s get to it.

-Joshua

 

Thanks man, I really appreciate that!

 

Hey knapsack,

Thanks for the response and questions - I appreciate your reading. And man I have learned to talk about all of my junk, so no questions are going to make me uncomfortable. I actually really like when people ask questions, because it shows they want to learn and understand.

I hope my post didn’t make it seem like same-sex attraction is the bane of my existence. In fact, my struggles wouldn’t be any different if they were opposite-sex attraction. I have a ton of piece about my attractions, and continue to work through my questions and what-not. But yes, I have spent time over the last three years discerning and hold a conviction about how my sexuality is to be used within the boundaries God has set, and I also want to share that I do that joyfully. Hard? Absolutely. But I’ve walked with God and I believe to the core of my being that He is for me, knows me, and when He asks me to do something it’s out of His love for me. Anything I suffer is ok - I don’t think suffering is something we have to avoid. Hopefully that makes sense?

So I believe all Christians (no matter what their attractions) should be in conversation with God about whether or not to marry or be single. Both are a gift, and I personally want to be so surrendered to God that I trust His call on my life is so stinking good. And it is. I believe I am called to singleness, and I LOVE being single. I could talk a lot about it haha.

Thanks for engaging dude, I really enjoyed reading your log and will continue to do so. Feel free to chat any time if you want, always here to talk, listen, encourage, pray for - whatever the heck is helpful.

 

Thanks man. The recovery program kickstarted all of this. It was really helpful. Best part was having a group of guys fighting with me. Being known in my darkest times and sharing the things about me that really suck and still being loved and accepted was so helpful. I still have them in my life. The content gave me a lot of understanding of the struggle and my past.