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Sexless Relationship anyone?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Freeman..., Nov 7, 2015.

  1. Freeman...

    Freeman... Fapstronaut

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    I just wanted to ask if anyone here has had a problem with no sex in there relationship, which has led them to compulsive behaviour?

    I find it amazingly frustrating that I don't have sex with my partner but I am getting better at accepting it and it genuinely isn't her fault as she has chronic back issues along with some hardcore emotional stuff she is currently working through.

    But I find her so attractive it is hard to cope sometimes, but I really just want to take care of myself and not put her under any pressure. Up until now I've been getting angry with her at times and trying to negotiate sex and then mo-ing with anger and I feel a little fucked up over it.

    I would love to chat to someone who has had a similar experience?
     
  2. RdrMGK69

    RdrMGK69 Fapstronaut

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    Kinda the same boat here. Gay and have a partner of almost 9yrs. He got sick (disabled and NOW i am in the same boat) and between physical stuff and meds, he cant be intimate. so we have been celibate 7 of the 9yrs together. Thats alot of PMO'ing.
     
  3. Freeman...

    Freeman... Fapstronaut

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    Wow! That sounds tough man. I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time and you obviously really love your partner. For what its worth I find that really inspiring. He is lucky to have you.
     
    Observation_Action likes this.
  4. RdrMGK69

    RdrMGK69 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks so much. it started off as just out of necessity and love for him but I was out of my church so to speak at the time. As I came back to my church (which isnt lgbt friendly) It served to be spiritually beneficial. But that does not mean it is any easier. Let people know that not everyone in the gay world is all about sex. There are some of us that are faithful to our partners and a slew that regardless of partners, are celibate for spiriutality sake. ITs not even about the sex. its bout the companionship.
     
  5. Freeman...

    Freeman... Fapstronaut

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    That is really inspiring dude-good for you. You get my respect. I find that spirituality is the only thing that I have at times. Its what gets me through the day, so I can really relate. It sucks that your church doesn't respect you as you are though-but good for you still using it to help you. I am finding it very difficult in my own relationship at the moment and trying not to leave every second day. I do love my partner but she is hard work let me tell you. But then so am I and life is too so maybe we will survive, it just had to believe sometimes. I wish you and you partner lots of blessings.
     
    LostAtSea and RdrMGK69 like this.
  6. teakwood

    teakwood Fapstronaut

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    I am in a similar situation and am really happy to read you guys are in the same boat. it's an incredibly difficult situation. I love my partner deeply but our sexual relationship has no fire for the past 2-3 years which i think is when i really started looking at porn. Before that I really didn't have a problem with porn as i was in sexually satisfying relationships. But the tricky part is that now i have this issue with being drawn like a magnet to the computer to get off, i feel that i have developed my own issues surrounding sexual intimacy (perhaps they were already deep down within me), and now the idea of sex with my partner pales in comparison to my carnal instinct to get off via porn. I joined this site a couple of months ago, and for 2 weeks was "clean" so to speak, but then for 2 months i have been sinking deep into the habbit and have begun to feel miserable. Best of luck to both you guys on your journey and you have my support
     
    Freeman... and RdrMGK69 like this.
  7. nomo

    nomo Fapstronaut

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    Tough one, especially if there is a physical aliment. I need sex from a partner and I probably would not stay in a relationship for longer then a year without it. However, my wife has had some long-term illnesses that did prevent us from having sex. If that happens again, I would most likely start MO'ing, but not PMO. The porn waste too much time and is too addictive to start using it again. I see porn as a problem, I see a sexless relationship as a bigger problem.
    If my partner has long-term emotional issues that prevented sex for any extended length of time, I would have to leave. I can't have someone else's emotional issues cause me to have emotional and physical issues. My goal is to go through life happy, a partner/spouse is supposed to bring joy to our lives. Sex gives me great joy, without it I'm too compromised and that's not a area in my life I'm willing to compromise unless there is a really good reason, like a serious physical aliment.
     
  8. Yesodi

    Yesodi Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I've been married for over 25 years now to an otherwise-wonderful woman with very many positive qualities. But sexually, our situation has grown increasingly difficult, and the past ~four years have been essentially sex-less (with a one-time exception almost two years ago).

    To use a FB-ism: "It's complicated." I admit that there are a lot of independent problems on both sides of our relationship, both physiological and emotional. And these, together with a terrible lack of quality communication between us, and what I consider to be abusive treatment on her part (such as an eight-month "silent treatment" that just recently ended), are contributing to a very painful vicious-cycle -- much of it based upon misunderstanding and/or imagined "intentional behavior." And it is very, very, hard -- for both of us!

    She has been claiming, from the very beginning, that our marriage was a "mistake." And I -- the pathologically-stubborn optimist -- refuse to give up, because I feel that we have never yet even STARTED to collectively make a TRUE effort to address the issues. Many have advised me to "face reality" and submit to the inevitable. And I often feel that if I were a "real man," then not only would I "agree" to terminating the relationship -- but that I should even initiate such an action!

    But beyond the fact that I am apparently not the "man" that I should be, and that I like to see myself as "stubbornly optimistic," the sad reality is that my self-confidence is so damaged, that I cannot even begin to imagine myself on my own now, as a 50 year-old. And so I prefer to remain in this crazy and painful situation -- not only because I truly believe that it can theoretically be fixed one day, but also because I am not strong enough to leave it.

    For the first 18 years of my marriage, I had been free of "intentional MO" (with a relatively small number of occurrences of "edgings" that led to "accidental O"), and my consumption of "P" were at levels that I considered to be "moderate and normative." However, for the past 7 years, and especially the past 4 years, my use of PMO had returned to my teenage, pre-marital, levels (which were themselves never extreme). I never really considered this to be an "addiction," and I still feel that there is room to objectively justify my rationalization of "having no real other choice."

    Nevertheless, I recently decided that I need to start reclaiming as much control over my life as possible, and that NoFap should be an important part of this. Although I was very sceptical at first, I am very pleasantly surprised to see how helpful this site has been in helping me to succeed so far!
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2016
  9. Blake_1980

    Blake_1980 Fapstronaut

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    This hits so close to home. My gf and I haven't had sex since March. She has a lot of image issues and says that makes it very hard for her to get in the mood. Early in our relationship I had stopped pmo all together but when the sex started slowing down, I started again. When the sex completely stopped I started pmoing a lot again. Decided I had to stop alltogether again. I'm finding myself very resentful that I can't get off. I'm not letting myself do it alone and she's not budging. I often feel like she isn't even trying to deal with her issues and is engaging in behavior that makes them worse. We are losing our connection and I am just frustrated that I can't get off. Grrrrr. We need a support group for guys who are doing nofap and are in sexless relationships
     
  10. Mr. Bob

    Mr. Bob New Fapstronaut

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    Same here. Wife has childhood sexual abuse issues and is recovering from Lyme disease. Sex was never our strong suit, and between her childhood, Lyme, and a busy life, she just never feels up to it. For many years, I used porn to take care of my needs. Of course, it became addictive and I have stopped. But now I am bitterly aware of the lack of passion that has always existed in our marriage. I'm 64 and we have three kids, the youngest of which is 10. These are some disincentives to leaving, but I'm running out of steam to stay. It's depressing.
     
    StarKing likes this.
  11. Blake_1980

    Blake_1980 Fapstronaut

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    This is what worries me. I don't want the relationship to get to this point. Not sure if it is nofap related, but if she doesn't even want to have sex with me, why keep it going?
     
  12. Jonny123

    Jonny123 Fapstronaut

    Thanks to Yesodi for pointing me to this thread. I am in a relationship which parallels some of the ones outlined in this thread. It seems to me you are all in difficult situations and doing your best to work your way through difficult circumstances
    My situation - 59 married over 30 years with grown up children. Have always got on well with my wife and we have good companionship. The trouble is that her sex-drive was always much lower than mine and this further declined after the children and then after the menopause. We occasionally indulge in sex - mostly without penetration - but this has declined to maybe 4 times a year. When we do have sex she says she enjoys it but she will never initiate and I hate the thought of us doing it always to please me - with little desire on her part. I have told her that I M and she does not object to that at all. In a way I wish that she did object rather than be indifferent to my habit. I have been worried in recent years that my tendency to rely on taking care of myself and also an increasing P habit means that our marital activity will disappear entirely.
    I have a Catholic background but that is not the issue here.
    I think the ideal situation would be that I would only experience sexual pleasure with her and only "O" with her.
    I would greatly appreciate the support of a group that would help me do that - even if it means that I have to abstain for long periods of time.
    Blake - that is very strong of you refusing to do it alone. I pray that she will come round. Maybe you need to concentrate on your own self -improvement to divert from PMO and also on pleasing her in other ways?
    RdrMG - your dedication is impressive - maybe some of us will have to be celibate?
    Bob and Freeman we are in similar situations and maybe we need to work on our acceptance of no (or infrequent) O and being strong about that.
    I will shortly be posting about another relapse (P and M) (though still no O in over 3 months - so I am nobody to advise - but I find others on here incredibly helpful.
     
  13. RicoDavidson

    RicoDavidson Fapstronaut

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    This is an eye opener. While i feel empathy for all who have posted here it is releaving to know this is a common problem. Married 39 years with no sex for the last 12. I am 58. The lack of sexual interest from my spouse has turned me to PMO. also had occasional massage parlors and have been seeing a companion for the last 4 years. Great rationship with wife despite no sex. We have a lot of other common interests. I also have a great reationship with my companion. We meet every couple weeks and enjoy each others company. Lately i bave been having problems reaching orgasm and achieving erection. Hoping i can overcome my porn adiction and that helps my ED problms.
     
    Lanemcd likes this.
  14. CountryDude

    CountryDude Fapstronaut

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    As I understand the definition of "sexless relationship" as having sex less than 10 times a year, then yes I am pretty much in one of those.

    I feel rather doomed and I think it is a "no win" situation for me. I am, however, trying better myself and our relationship and stop all my nonsense, though I fear it is pointless.

    We are pretty much just housemates.

    I would have left by now, if I wasn't a father.
     
  15. Phibz

    Phibz Fapstronaut

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    This can be a gift. This is a perfect opportunity for you to go hardmode. You can't see this now and I understand. But you are in a position to find real love and compassion.
     
  16. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    This is a really interesting thread. It makes me wonder how to increase the frequency and also the satisfaction when you are the one who is turned down? The person who says no is the one with all the power. I imagine clear communication of what you want is what is needed. From there you can perhaps come to a compromise.

    I have been in an almost sexless relationship for the past two years. Even prior to that our sex life was pretty sparse. The difference for me is my hubby is the one who does not want sex. Things have improved a bit since he started his reboot, we are back to twice a month. Before this there were some very very long dry spells. He always had an excuse - tired, sore back, it was late, the football was on, felt strange as I was pregnant, etc. he even on occasion blamed me saying it was too boring and vanilla for him. I know now that it was that he couldn't get the dopamine rush with me, like he could with his screen.

    Has anyone successfully addressed these issues?
     
  17. rigiddan

    rigiddan Fapstronaut

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    Does the wife suspect that you have a mistress? I wonder if some wives that are not interested in sex would be willing to tolerate such an arrangement?
     
  18. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    I am in a similar situation with the husband. I'm not sure if this will ever be resolved so I can't offer any advice really. It's something I'm always trying to work on. I've tried all the usual methods. It seems that things are looking up somewhat these days but I don't know. It's dificult because like you say, the one saying no has all the power. And I feel very powerless in that side of our relationship. I just have to wait until he feels like it.

    I try to make sure we have time together for intimacy. This seems to help. Just taking time to lie in bed and see where it goes. No pressure. Just run with it. But it is interesting to know that other women are struggling with this. It always seems to be a mans issue but I know that plenty of my female friends are in a similar situation. I guess men are being sucked into the pmo instant gratification culture that we live in. And sexual intimacy between actual people is dying out. I hope not. I enjoy sex and I sincerely hope that things will improve on that score for us. Who knows.
     
  19. RicoDavidson

    RicoDavidson Fapstronaut

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    She is unaware as far as i know. At least she hasn't shown. I really never considered her a mistress. We have an arrangement based on each other's needs. We set ground rules for contact, discretion and ability to end the arrangement no questions asked. Almost like friends with benefits.
     
  20. RicoDavidson

    RicoDavidson Fapstronaut

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    You bring up a good point. My wife's waining interest in sex didn't shut off like a fawcet but was gradual over a period of years. We have been together since high school. We had a very active sex life for years. Standard sex nothing wild. No fetishes no oral. Then the forties hit and sex decreased to monthly then less frequent till about 12 years ago stopped. I have tried to initiate intimacy but just received no return. We talked about it. Tried to get her to go see a doc about her decreased libido. was about the same time as menapause started. I have to say to answer your question i did start PMO a little while before the sex stopped altogether. Very sporatic not even weekly. As the sex decreased the PMO increased. So the chicken and the egg happened together.
     

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