Deposits and Withdrawals: Being Proactive, part one and two

A deposit in terms of banking is similar to an emotional deposit made with the people you interact with every day. You put something in, you make a deposit into the emotional bank account of another person. A withdrawal is also similar, you take out of the account, or you withdraw from someones emotional bank account.

The goal in being proactive is to simply make more deposits than withdrawals with people and relationships. An example of a deposit would be a compliment, maybe just a smile, a suggestion for your boss on a project. You get the idea, it’s an action that benefits the relationship.

A withdrawal could be having an attitude, being jealous at someone for getting the promotion, or even not being sensitive enough to sense someone else’s needs. We want to avoid withdrawals and make deposits.

There is a fundamental rule that goes with deposits and withdrawals. The more you are around someone on a daily basis, the more deposits you need to make in the emotional bank account. The less you’re around someone, the more you can rely on older deposits. For example: A family member versus an old friend you have not seen in ten years—with the old friend you can rely on previous deposits. You have to, right? However, people that you live or work with on an every day basis need constant deposits. This is one of the ways we become proactive. We take charge in our life by making deposits with people.

One of the ways you can check if you’re doing this is to listen to your language. Listen to the way you communicate with loved ones and co-workers. Are you verbally reassuring people when you speak? Giving them psychological air to breathe? Most of the time people just want to be reassured that you are listening to them, real listening. Not listening with the intent to speak, but just listening. They want to know that they matter to you, as a person.

Try this today with the people you talk to, with family and co-workers. Are you accidentally verbally abusing people? Speaking out of turn? Not giving someone room to be themselves? Make constant deposits into the emotional bank account of others and you will gain their respect and admiration. Then you can actually work as a team using synergy.

Part Two: Circle of Influence vs Circle of Concern

 

What happens when we are proactive, now that we know how to do it? Basically we extend our circle of influence, or the amount of people that need us in decision making. The more deposits we make, the more our circle of influence grows bigger. You think one person can be affected? Try thinking about ten or twenty. What if one hundred people looked up to you for guidance. How can you make that happen? Do you even want that? It’s not for everyone. Sometimes it’s enough to simply mend and maintain our small circle of influence.

Extending your circle of influence to more and more people makes you vulnerable because people try to take advantage of that. Before opening yourself up you have to learn what is a win-win and what is a win-lose. Be strong about your time, don’t be the ‘nice guy’ if you’re the one losing out of the deal.

Being proactive or being effective can happen instantly, you can start today. We have to think about the other person’s next move and give them help before they ask. In other words, we sense the needs of the individual. That’s the key principle. By doing so you become effective and open your circle of influence so large that no one can make a move without thinking, “I wonder what they think about this.” The details are complex, but that’s the immediate practice. Sense the needs of other people.

Sometimes all we have to do is be open to someone’s concern. I mentioned the term “psychological air” earlier. This means we are letting someone breathe around us. We don’t constrict them. We are open to their thoughts and feelings without judging, without manipulating. An example of this would be pure empathy, feeling the way the other person does without agreeing or disagreeing.

The opposite of the spectrum is the circle of concern. This means we have taken too many withdrawals from the emotional bank account with people. We are on thin ice with this person. We have to watch everything we say, everything we do. One wrong move and an argument or disagreement occurs. Obviously we don’t want this. In this situation, we have to seriously consider making deposits in a planned way. To mend this broken relationship you would have to seek the person out and start aiding their daily life somehow. Ideally, we never get into this situation. We avoid it by making the circle of influence larger and larger, the natural consequence being that the circle of concern gets smaller and smaller.

This habit of pro-activity goes beyond the workplace. It seeps into every area of life. After a while the habit is internalized and we no longer think about it. Our natural state of mind goes through the motions automatically. Your boss asks you for a favor at work and you think “I wonder why he needs that. I’m going to give him my recommendation based on what I would do given the data.”

Or a loved one seeks counsel in a trying time. Maybe you’re against their life choices, but that doesn’t come into play, we simply just listen. Don’t even think about what your response will be, just listen. Slowly it begins to happen, people sense that you’re someone with integrity, with a solid character. That’s what this habit builds: integrity, loyalty and honor. People can start to trust you. When this happens you open up a great responsibility. You can now actually begin to make a difference in someone else’s life. For this reason you must also be a master of yourself, a master over your own dominion. This is where winning the private battles prove a necessity. If lost, usually the duplicity is sensed by the other person and they will withdraw from your counsel.

 

Eventually we have to not only work on our addiction, we have to work on ourselves. We have to work on the person that was affected by the addiction. Water is not affected by a storm or crashing into a rock, it remains water and continues its work. As Bruce already said "Be Water".

Work on it. Work on yourself. Just working on the addiction alone is like exercising and not eating right. It doesn't end up working the way we had hoped.

 

someone told me this year that people dont achieve 'new years reselutions' I changed about 30 small things about my self this year, including changing major life habits that i have done for 25 plus years. the final one is no more coffee shops and no more beer, and no more doing other peoples agenda's another words be my own person.
I been reading and acting on what steven talks about since i was 23 and now i am 39. yikes, its hard not going to coffe shops, I just cant waist my money, or time any more. its sooooooooo hard.

 

No coffee or beer?!? Oh my

There is no end to this journey. Effective people constantly reflect on how to be more effective. Thank you for the post Yukon.