A traumatized little kid.

Hello Sebastian, nice to hear from you buddy. Keeping apart the other things I could say we're in the same boat regarding one thing. You have said that you used to web cam with random strangers. Don't do it again. It may nit be known to you but people can do a lot of bad things using the internet these days. They could even track you down if they are determined (please correct me if I'm wrong).

Travelling in a ship that is a little similar to yours I have a lot of things to tell you. I'll start with my story and tell them. I was first exposed to porn when I in grade 8. That was when I got access to the internet. I started off with some stories that went to photos. Then it lead to videos. I now notice that as time passed by the awfulness of the things that I searched for increased. Even during my school time I was not a frequent user of porn. However the little I watched had it's impacts on me. I used to watch porn and masturbate and after it was over I would feel that I ruined my whole day. Productivity wise for me this was a really bad thing.

By this time until recently, I would have have crushes on guys. I would fantasies about them and by fantasies I'm not talking about walking with our hands together. I fantasies about having sex with them.

One day I was ready to go out after a class and a girl I know pushed my away playfully. I bumped into this guy and I looked and said sorry. Then I felt like the whole world stopped for a while. He was a cute guy and I was there like a fool. He said something (I can't remember what he said) and smiled. I took notice of the guy and I was on to him. Time passed and I was determined not to fall for him like I did for the last guy. The bond that I had for the last guy didn't end in a good way for me. He was straight and I had a hopeless crush for him. I was sad and anxious for him. I wouldn't mind much if he was only straight but according to what he boasted about, he has gone to a prostitute and that just shattered my heart. I didn't talk with him for weeks but I eventually had to because my fantasy relationship with him was only a fantasy and he was a good friend for me. ( But he should have listened to me because I was his friend too, I didn't want to see him in a bad place like that ).

Then this semester I got to have lectures with this new guy. I got to know him a little closely (but to this day there is a untouchable wall between us). I got to be friends with him. After a while I realized that I didn't have any bad thoughts about him. I had them about other guys (except one, but that fantasy relationship didn't go anywhere) that I had crushes on. Then it clicked to me. I was in deep love with this guy. All the other crushes that I had, they were not crushes, they were sexual cravings and porn had a large part to play in those. In my previous crushes I didn't see my future with those guys. I only wanted them to satisfy my needs. But this guy, I wanted him for my life and it was not to have sex (sex was not even in the equation, not much) but to love, care and protect him. I'm still in love with him and I hope it will be for a good reason.

I'm a non alcoholic and the sheer mentioning or using it or drugs for bad things makes me feel sick about the person or the people who is using it. One day I saw a porn where a guy was drugged before he was used. Then to my mind out of nowhere came the image of the person that I loved. I imagined what I would do if it was him. The amount of gross and filth that I felt was to much I couldn't take it anymore. I closed the browser and searched for ways to get out of that filthy addiction. I found the Fight The New Drug, Fortify, Nofap and The Pink Cross foundation. Now I'm trying to become a better man for my self and the person that I love. I'm trying to gain my fullest potential. Here are somethings that I wanted you to know.

1. Don't waste your time for unnecessary love relationships. Use that time to empower yourself or to study.
2. If you do your work right you'll do better things in your life rather than dating a rugby player.
3. I'm a Buddhist and I think meditation could help you. If you don't have a temple around where you could go and ask for guidance for meditate, make some time in the morning and switch off your digital devices and try to stay without any avoidable distraction for a time period. I think 4 a.m. to 5 a.m. is good. Just wait and think about being good for your self and think of ways to improve your life.
4. Work out. I think you're already doing it.
5. If you're in university, don't have any repeats. Study good because having repeats is a little troublesome.
6. Find good friends who understand you, don't go out with bad people.
7. Listen to some good speeches. Ted talks are good.

Those are the advice I wanted to give you.

About that guy I love. I still don't know if he is gay or straight. I still don't know if he will love me in this life. Living in a country that look down upon those kind of relationships, I don't know how we could keep up with the society if we love. But I do know one thing. If he loves me before it's too late, I will love him back to my fullest. Please pray for me too. Hope you will have a good time rebuilding, rebooting your self here and I hope you will have a wonderful future too Sebastian.

Writing this post has given me the ability to take this secrecy and present it. I think I would write a post about this and tell the others.

 

Thank you Sebastian for your kind words. They are very valuable to me. I hope that he will become more than friends with me. I hope he will become the person I'm longing for him to be.

 

Hey, welcome to you! I was about to give you a long answer (it's so easy to relate to your personal experience,I've been there too !). Hopefully, DevinYS gave you really good pieces of advices ! I wish I were that smart and wise at that age. I have no doubt you will find your significant other. Knowing someone else intimately, sexually and emotionally is really a great and beautiful thing (and shame should never be part of the equation, whatever the gender of the persons involved).

 

Thanks for you kind and encouraging words.

 

Welcome Sebastian! Lets start 2016 afresh ;-)

 

I'm in a VERY similar boat as you, especially concerning the age started. Only difference is, I learned to masturbate at 11, but I started having lots of crazy sex dreams at the age of 9. Admittance is always the first step in breaking and curing any addiction. I didn't realize the severity of my problem until I moved my best friend in from our school over to the city I live in. Just being around him and noticing how he interacts with the world, and his consistent high level of energy made me understand, my problem wasn't depression or anxiety like I thought it was, it's literally my obsession to PMO. I love hearing and seeing stories like this, because it's something I can relate to, and it gives me the strength to simply just STOP. I wish you the best of luck on this journey of yours, and if you ever need some form of encouragement, I'm sure there are plenty of people you can contact on here, including myself. Just please, for the sake of not only your future, but for all of us that are struggling with this, DON'T give up. You're stronger than this addiction.