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Squeaky Soul has done it again...

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Squeaky Soul, Dec 30, 2015.

  1. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry to let you guys again, but I relapsed at day 232.

    I woke up, one thing led to another, and I was watching porn. Not to downplay my actions, but I want giving the pornography my full attention. I was watching it on the fly, while rushing to get my chores done before my parents got home.

    I watched pornography, and I edged... I feel like I blew it, but nearly 8 months is a really long streak!

    Masturbation has always been the problem. I've M'd long before I discovered P... I don't feel that much guilty, because I only edged, and didn't M all the way to O.

    How I feel now? Tired of NoFap... Like I really don't want to carry on with this website. It's not that I want to fall in the downward spiral of addiction, I know it's bad for me to PMO - I objectify people, I feel spaced out, I feel tired, sweaty, and stinky, but I am tired of failing. I just want to be done with this journey! I would like to live a PMO free life, forget about my addiction!
     
  2. programer

    programer Fapstronaut

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    Hmmnn. I have been watching your thread. I saw the one you reached 278 days. Am on day 252. Sorry for your relapse. Get up Now. Failure us not Final unless you give up. Watching porn for 1 minute cannot be considered a relapse although it is bad. The key point here is preserving semen.

    Get up again. Fuck forward.
     
  3. You need to shock the neurochemical changes you incited out of your system IMMEDIATELY.

    THE KEYWORD HERE IS SHOCK.

    What have you done since your counter was reset?

    COLD SHOWER NOW IF YOU HAVE NOT, I WOULD ALSO PUNISH YOURSELF WITH A LONG GRUELING OUTDOOR RUN, THIS SHOULD INCREASE SEROTONIN LEVELS AND BRING YOUR DOPAMINE LEVELS DOWN A BIT.

    ACT QUICKLY.

    The enemy has you in its grips my friend. Hopefully the negative thinking and doubting does not pull you under.

    Godspeed man.
     
    fapshooter, silverlukas and OnAndOn like this.
  4. bastion

    bastion Guest

    Set a goal after which you know you won't care about PMO, you know you will be a different man with different mindset, different cares. How long is that is up to you, you will know. 3 years? Why not?
     
  5. OnAndOn

    OnAndOn Fapstronaut

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    It's ok man, you did really well and had a very impressive streak! You can keep going! Follow Trevor.james advice. I believe in you
     
    fapshooter likes this.
  6. mv8652

    mv8652 Fapstronaut

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    Although this is a technically a tracker-resetting incident, you took control part way through and avoided a worse outcome. It's a very minor setback in your overall progress (so long as you don't give in to the chaser effect and binge-fap--which you know not to do). If you continue with your streak as if nothing happened, you shouldn't feel any different next week than you would have if you'd never watched that porn and edged at all. So, learn to be careful that it doesn't happen again, and otherwise laugh it off. Also, after nearly eight months totally fap-free, why not just ditch the tracker?
     
  7. Youknowbest

    Youknowbest Fapstronaut

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    Way to go! 232 is tremendous! The fact that you've abstained for this amount of time is testament to your great progress.
    But now, get back up, get back in the game, and remember what this is all about and who you are doing this for!
    Honestly...yes, you want to completely be free from PMO's chains, but this brief slip should not divert you from your ultimate goal!
    I know it may sound corny but, "Losing the fight is getting knocked down and staying there."
     
    ICleansedMe likes this.
  8. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Recently, I've left my Catholic faith. In Catholicism, lust and masturbation are things to be avoided. Ever since I lost faith in Christianity, I found it much harder to stay away from pornography. You could ask my AP, we've probably both noticed a spike in me watching p subs recently.

    My actions are based on my decisions, yes, but I need you all to understand how my decision was influenced. The following is not an excuse for what I did, but rather a leading up to events:

    *My parents have lost love for each other - I really care about my parents and it makes me really upset to see them both contribute to their failing relationship, and continue to blame the other person for being, "the one who is the problem."

    *A wet dream I had two days before, and a very sexual dream I woke up in the middle of yesterday. Chaser effect...

    *The biggest one, questioning my beliefs - really wondering if pornography and masturbation are wrong.

    I don't have much energy to keep going. I really don't want this to be a habit! Only being able to last 200+ days before I relapsed! The only reason for not PMOing right now is because I promised my AP I wouldn't. It's kinda stupid because abstinence is for yourself, not others.

    I guess I have to rediscover why abstinence is important to me. The times I have before, involved heavy binging on PMO for weeks before I got my act together - when I finally hit rock bottom...
     
  9. I think the word "relapse" is loaded. After a guy has rebooted, and at that far out you had, I don't think you relapsed, so much as chose to use. Gary Wilson asks the most important question: Why would any porn loving guy quit? If porn did not cause a problem for us, we never would. My problem was DE. Some guys have PIED. So, what is your reason? It helps to have a good reason to change the behavior, but, understand, wanting to engage in the behavior is something that, as you know, will lessen with abstinence, but will never go away completely. We live with that for life. The day we lose the desire to seek a dopamine hit is probably the day we simply don't get out of bed, ever, again. I think the concept of porn and MO as "wrong" is unhelpful. Rather, understand they are a means to an end, a button we push, to get a dopamine rush. The dopamine rush is an evolved reward to encourage sex. Again, the right or wrong of sex, in this context, is unhelpful, but, rather, understand it is nature's way of encouraging the species to reproduce. Nature, however, did not anticipate High Speed Internet Porn, which really allows that reward system to be abused, to the point of addiction. Understanding the problem is helpful to overcoming the problem, but, overcoming this problem does not fix all the other problems in our lives. It just means we will face those problems while not PMOing five times a day. For me, it was a lifestyle change, because for me, PMO was a lifestyle. I really did not understand that before I quit. Do I miss it? Yep. Am I ever going back? No way. You need to rediscover your reason.
     
    mv8652, Youknowbest and ICleansedMe like this.
  10. Saturdaze

    Saturdaze Fapstronaut

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    I have asked myself the same question. Why am I doing this? Watching porn was a lot of fun. Why should I give up something that makes me feel good? How am going to do this for the rest of my life? And then I think about how porn has affected me. How my brain does't work like it is supposed to. How it has hurt my relationships (with people and with God). Questioning your beliefs is part of your journey. It can be very uncomfortable at times when you dont' have questions answered (trust me on this one). It can feel like no man's land. But, with the question come the eventual answers and the answers are good. If God is for us who can be against us (Romans 8). You may find more answers outside of Catholicism in just a regular Christian church. I am not saying that Catholicism is bad, just that I found answers to my questions in a regular non-denominational church. And, you don't have to be a Squeaky Soul to be accepted by God. He has loved me and helped me on this journey and never gave up on me.
    Blessings, my younger brother.
     
    mv8652 likes this.
  11. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Relapsed yet again. This time I M'd all the way to O.

    Okay, okay... NOW I REMEMBER WHY I QUIT PORN IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

    *it drains my energy,
    *Makes me sweat a lot,
    *I'm a athletic guy, but my heart beats so hard and fast, it scares me,
    *I feel like a pervert,
    *I become a recluse,
    *I stutter,
    *I get anxiety...
     
  12. AdityaKhuntia

    AdityaKhuntia Fapstronaut

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    I'm with you!!! Let's start this year together!!! We are fellow Fapstronauts after all.

    "THERE IS A VAST DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FAILURE AND TEMPORARY DEFEAT. "
    There is no such thing as failure, unless it is accepted as such. Every defeat is temporary unless you give up and allow it to become permanent. In fact, temporary defeat often makes us stronger and more capable. Each time we try and fail, we learn something that helps prepare us for eventual success. When you view adversity as nothing more than a learning experience, your successes in life will far outnumber your failures.

    "THERE IS NO LIGHT FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT KNOW DARKNESS"
     
  13. mv8652

    mv8652 Fapstronaut

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    I've tried several ways now to write a reply, but I keep realizing that I can't say it better than Saturdaze already has. Just because you choose not to be a Catholic anymore doesn't mean that you can't be a Christian. Other than the Catholics and the Mormons, most Christian denominations do not condemn masturbation per se, leaving the addiction to porn as the moral issue at the heart of your problem. Faith can be a powerful tool in beating any addiction, so I'd strongly recommend finding a Christian faith more to your liking and put it to work for you beating porn. (You already know from long practice how to live without porn, you need only the strength to stay that way.) Many of us fapstronauts opt to continue to avoid masturbation even though porn is no longer an issue for us, but we do so for other reasons besides morality--reasons such as those you have listed two posts above.

    Now, even though it's not easy, you need to let go of your parents' problems. You can love them both without thinking that you have to "fix" them. Only they can do that, but they'd both have to be willing. Don't let their problems sabotage your faith and your life. It's almost like "If somebody else jumps off the roof, would you jump off too?"
     
    Youknowbest and Saturdaze like this.
  14. Saturdaze

    Saturdaze Fapstronaut

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    Squeaky - Relapse happens. Time to pick yourself up as tomorrow is another day. I know it can be incredibly discouraging. But, we must keep going or we will be consumed by this affliction. We cannot stop trying and just need to try and learn by our mistakes.
     
    mv8652 likes this.
  15. IGY

    IGY Guest

    OK buddy, now it is time to STREAK yet again! :D
     
  16. Thechosenone

    Thechosenone Fapstronaut

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    There was obviously something you needed to learn from this relapse that's why it happened, make sure you don't have to experience this again, what caused this relapse? Get conscious
     
  17. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    What I need to learn:

    I need to remember around the 8 month mark, why pornography addiction is bad. It's around the 8-9 month mark that I relapse.

    Ok, it's time to get serious. And get back into routine. This Winter break from school puts a lot of time in my hands.
     
  18. IGY

    IGY Guest

    You have a good work ethic and you have accomplished outstanding things in your life already.

    So, you should appreciate this brief, but powerful message:

     
  19. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Thanks!
     
  20. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    How I lasted so long in my last steak:

    *At the beginning of my last steak I was talking to this girl. She motivated me to start working out and get in shape. She, and my workout routine distracted me from PMO.

    *I took a lot of cold showers in the beginning.

    *I was deeply religious. I even started writing a book about Christianity and the bible.

    So, during my last steak I was always working towards something. I was working towards a better physique, I was studying for a driver's license, I was writing my book, etc.

    I stopped making goals for myself, that girl moved away, I stopped working out, and it slowly got worse and worse.

    I realize I'm really going to have to commit to a constant goal in order to get rid of PMO. So, I choose to workout, never quit, take lots of cold showers, and start writing my book again.
     

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