Confessions of a former addict

I feel as if it is about time to share my story:
I started looking at nude pictures of women at a very young age (7 or 8 years old). I remember that my brother and I used to cut out the pictures of naked girls from the newspaper and put them into a book. My parents did not think that there was anything wrong with this - and I do not blame them.
I cannot say when I started to fap, but I am pretty sure that I was about 15 (or even some years younger, because my parents were very liberal). But unfortunately this messed up my whole picture about women. Since I was only looking at pictures of very gorgeous girls, I myself became very superficial (it was all about the looks of a girl). Sure I had some very pretty girlfriends, but it took me very long to realize that this was wrong.
I became kind of addicted to good looking girls, and for a while I had a very well paid job and was working in foreign countries. So I started to go to prostitutes (because I was able to pick the most pretty ones). And this went on for a very long time (I cannot say how often I have paid for sex - because I don't know...).
But since 5 years I am back in my home country, and I do not earn that much money anymore. And still: from time to time I used to go to hookers (only when I was drunk and therefore out of control - because I knew I could not afford to go on like I used to). This brought me almost in financial troubles.
And when I felt really bad about one year ago, I discovered NoFap. I joined the side (on a different username) and started to go on a 90 days streak of not fapping. But I have to admit, that during that time I was heavily drunk once and went to a prostitute again (kind of a crazy story - but I don't want to trigger you ;-) - the one night cost me €1900).
Then I started to feel really ashamed and I thought to myself, that this would be enough. I have to fight this addiction for good. So I started to change my life (e.g. work out, study, avoiding triggers,...). Because I felt so bad for what I have done, I thought there is no other way than doing it right this time. In my opinion I did not need NoFap, so I deleted my account. Unfortunately I was wrong. I failed again. After another VERY expensive hooker-night, I signed up here in the middle of octobre with a new user name. And since I have been fap free already quite a while before the second sign-up, I do not really know how long I am without fapping - but definitely more than 100 days.

So now I am 100% sure that you can get your brain back to "normal" - but it is not only about avoiding porn and fapping, it is also about creating a mindset: you have to realize that porn is not good for you and not good for anybody. I do not say that you should walk around and tell everybody that porn is bad. But for example: if you talk to some guys (or girls for that matter) and the topic porn comes up, you can ask them if they know that porn messes up the brain, and that you therefore think it is wrong, and that you do not need it. I actually would never tell someone to act as if they are better than someone else, but in this case I'd like to see it, as if I am better than the people who think that porn is something good. Because it is not.
And there is one more important thing that I'd like to tell you: I think porn is a problem of our subconscious mind: TV, movies and newspaper fill our mind with sexualized pictures and so a mindset is created. So we start to think we need sex to be happy - and don't get me wrong: sex is great, but if you are lonely you turn to the closest thing to sex: fapping to videos with pretty ladies.
When I moved back home I decided to get rid of my TV, and so I did not have a TV for more than 5 years now. I used to watch many movies with my computer, because I was able to know what they were about and if there were possible triggers. But I did not see to many commercials for example because they are full of sex and emotions most of the times.
Our emotions might be another part of the problem. You see, everybody deals with emotions differently. Whereas women are able to talk about them, we (rational) men don't. But we still have to deal with them. And I think porn is one way to do so. Sure at first it looks as if we only watch porn because of sex, but in my opinion this goes even deeper into our mind. We link sex to having a emotional connection with the other person. You can only have real life sex if the other person likes you and is willing to let his or her guard drop. And that is what we are really looking for: emotional connection. We might even be able to find an explanation for why we always need harder porn to satisfy our need: because we can not get what we want. We do not get any feedback from porn. Our emotions do not get satisfied. And by choosing more and more nasty acts on the screen we think that those people participating in these acts are not worth to get something from us in return. We humiliate them in our mind. We degrade them - just to satisfy our actions. We reverse the problem and mess up our mind really bad.
I do not think that everybody is the same or deals with every problem the same way. And maybe I see this all only from my point of view.
But I consider myself healed, so maybe there is something to this.
Good luck to all of you - I hope you all will find your way to be free of this terrible monster called PMO.

 

Thank you for this story, you are a strong and very wise man I wish to find the same strength one day soon, keep winning the battle, I have faith in you.

 

Yes, I do believe PMO is behind fear. And do you know why? Because, even if you do not see it consciously, but as long as you PMO you lower your self-worth. Maybe you do not think that way, but you feel that way all the time. You think that you are not worth and not capable of having "normal" relationships - but you could not be more wrong. Everybody has the potential of being in a healthy relationship. But some of us had troubles while growing up, or still have troubles - and therefore they have to fight.
It is never easy and it is not the same for everybody - but you have to fight with all your power and you can win. It is the only chance you have.
And I know that you can do it, because I was also able to.
Good luck my friend.

 

Thank you.
I hope I can help some of you with my story, because I really think that fighting PMO is the most important thing for us. We have to face that fight and we all can win - even if it is not easy: we can do it.
Good luck to you too.

 

Thx.
I think that is the least I can do: share my story and my thoughts, so that others may take something out of it.
Good luck on your journey.

 

Thanks my friend

 

Very well said - I can see that you have already made up your mind about this nasty habit a lot.
And I think that your are off to a good start, with this knowledge and mindset.
Keep on going and I am sure you will make it.
Good luck.

 

Thx Dogwood.
I'm 35 years old, and I wish I would have known many things much earlier in my life - like 10 years ago, or something like that....
The thing with the benefits is very difficult. I was definitely hoping to see major changes in my life, but to be honest: I think you should see the details and the bigger picture all at once.
The biggest change there is, is that I have way better memory and focus (I guess this is because I am not distracted by nasty thoughts anymore). And I do not feel awkward around people I do not know or in social situations in general.
I have this "I don't care attitude" - but in a good way. I am not afraid to make mistakes or to be seen as "out of norm", because I do not compare myself to others anymore.
I am not dating, because this is another very big topic in my life, which I messed up and I still have to fix.
The funny thing is, that I could be dating (yeah, I know this sounds like a pathetic excuse), but instead of risking something I always want to choose the "safe route". So I keep thinking, that everything has to be perfect before I can let someone get close to me.
But I still feel as if I am making progress day by day. And even if I wrote at the beginning of this statement, that I would like to have known some things 10 years ago, I still do not fell as if I am in a hurry. I got really patient with things....
Nevertheless I still work on myself to become a better person.
I wish you all the best.

 

You are welcome.
And I fully agree with what you said.
And apart from the people who come here and know about their problems, there are many more who do not know that they have a problem at all. They might be aware of the fact, that something is wrong, but I think most of them are not able to create the link to PMO.
So talking about he topic can definitely help.
Good luck to you too.