NoFap Journal - No More PMO /day by day reminder

Hi my name is Anonymous!

I've bee suffering from PMO for as long as I can remember.
While I haven't watch it as much as other on daily bases, like hours for example, I did escalate to it at least one time a day, or in two days, giving no room for my energy to flow. Years in I would notice my attraction towards women would diminish, as I would start to objectify them, somehow all women would start to have this flaws about them. The only girl that would spot my attention would have to be in some was the same as those pornstars we all jerk out to on the Internet. Heck for as long as I can remember I always masturbated to either pictures of naked women, since very young age hitting puberty or while watching Porn, and I also felt Asexual for most of my life as my sex energy was drained away and I just never fantasize anybody I knew in my life in any sexual manner.

I had a girlfriend. She was incredible, but I wasn't worthy of her, so I let her get her freedom. There is so many things I neglected about myself. Not to mention I've sufferer from OCD (Pure-O) in the past, obsessed over walking, right. Obsessed over my saliva and the constant bad taste of it, just for my OCD to turn to something more serious, obsession over sexual orientation. I myself never dive myself into Gay porn for it just never kept my interest (arousal), I never fancy two men having sexual intercourse while when young I did experience same gender experimentation, exchange ORAL, and playing picnic, I can remember enjoying the acting, but deep inside my heart that could never replace the feeling of holding a girls small hands, looking into their eyes as your body would get a respond just while walking with them, without being horny and desperate. Just light kissing my girlfriend on the lips would give me a full one, it would happen only if the feelings were mutual by that time. Holding her close to my side in bed, sharing body warm with her, cuddling, intimately touching, Its hard for me to say no to that. To accept I'm homosexual, I would have to accept, no never be able to experience this ever again, that I just can't accept. While I still feel hella Asexual this very moment and confused while I reboot not knowing what I want one time, and then fully knowing what I want next time.

As for porn watching: I would rather prefer watching straight Porn while I can't lie, those transsexual did made my motor hoop in those rare times, but mostly in Hentai and if in Porn it would have to be with another woman, and not a man.

 

Day 5 of no PMO
Today when I was sleeping I dreamed of giving oral to this being, that soon turned into a woman, well a transsexual as I started to go touch her breasts.
I can remember the heat inside me, and I didn't struggle to play against it, as I just did it (it was not a vivid dream btw).
But then all of a sudden I turn around and spot a female body, I came close and penetrate her main female Vaginal area, SEX, I could feel the release inside my dream.
(Up till not all my dreams would behaving sex with a woman outside this one dream that happened few hours ago), still it ended by penetrating a woman. I never was a fan of anal sex, I would in most situation rather stay away from Anal while my HOCD gave me thinking while I would not like to give, I would like to receive, while I think it could have been bi-curious also. I would be happy to be Bisexual, its just the Homosexual I can't accept myself to be.

 

Day 6
Just today at 1am i didn't know what happened, but I was filled with this energy I've never felt before, at least not to this category.
I would go outside for a cold run down the streets. I would run up and back and feel my day has just begone, I wasn't tired at all.
Sadly my attraction to women hasn't come back yet but my energy to interact with people in general does seem to have boost up a little bit.
I used to be on of those types that used to think before he said anything, being nervous, not I seem to don't do that as much if at all.
Something definitely changed in me since I've started this 6 days ago, I used to be 21 days in also, but I failed so this is not my first time, so it could be why this recent reboot has such drastic improvement over the day.

Today while sleeping I was dreaming of being in this building surrounded by business women, I would go from doors to doors asking them, touching them for sex, and it seems they all wanted it, damn those dreams felt great, not wet dreams luckily. One of the women was strange tho, I can remember fingering her and somehow feel like I'm touching shit inside.... wth I didn't finger her anally either -____- wth & so I stopped, it must have been something else, but it felted like a rock inside. Lucid dreams are weird man hahah

Today I'm going out, visiting my evening school, I know the subject well and I could have finish it right now if I wanted to but I will continue going there for the sake of interaction with people. You know maybe I will find a girl along the way, but not now, right now I'm in to fully heal. And I would lie if i didn't say that I'm also feeling little down after what happen with my previous girlfriend and I.

 

Day 10
I had a weird ass dream just today about two people I got to know last year.
There was this couple I meet this last Christmas while around the family table (I was at my gf place back then when we were still together), this two people were my age. That dude was handsome, and the girl was beautiful. They were both nice people and a good looking couple, I could feel they had good chemistry.

Well just today I dreamed about them. Somehow this person (male) was a doctor, and I can't believe if I was living with this person together romantically or something (this part is fuzzy) lol I can't remember, I just know I wasn't filled with scary feelings. it sure felt like I was going back to this place, but at the same time I had to go to the doctors place (his working place) to get something checked, not sure what that was. But there was a group of people that I know that was going there also. There was this girl (in real life at Christmas table she was his girlfriend, as I mentioned before) now she was there and I had some interest in her, Heck I was in bed with her asking, but I was thinking you are girlfriend of that person? And she said, NO. I can remember feeling good in bed feeling like I'm sharing heat with her. Later I was in this meat factory, working fast, but my female boss was a psycho, I swear, she was little looney. Well no matter, when the time at work ended, I was in on this grassy area all of a sudden, and there was this girl I slept with in my dream just a moment ago, as I looked at her, and she looked back (eye contact) and smile from both parties, I didn't resitate looking anywhere else, I felt confident in myself and I was asking (is this love?)

What do my dreams mean? -.- What do you think they mean? Shit they made me feel bisexual for a moment if anything, at least at the start, but then heterosexual as they continued -.-
It was not lucid also, my body was going on its own.
Why do i remember all my dreams all of a sudden, and so well.

 

but there is one thing that does worry me, I haven't seen my morning wood in this past 10 days -.- I used to get it every time I would wake up, having when i woke or right after as I felt I needed to go to the toilet. I used to wake me up 3 times before because it would wake me up, but nowadays I don't seem to have it at all, also my hand touch just doesn't do him anything. Could it be the cold in the room, the temperature, but I doubt because i didn't see it for 10 days now.

Flatline -.- perhaps x(

 

yeah right after I came back from that trip, after that I felt depressed but I had mood swings, after I stayed away from porn I didn't saw it either, made me feel hella asexual again, I fear its my HOCD at work because I'm starting to obsess over the term Aesthetic appeal or attraction and my HOCD made me believe that recognizing handsome is same as recognizing Aesthetic facial chemistry, good looking, meaning first sign in the attraction category, follow up by romantic, sensual and sexual. I don't feel those next 3 still, but hell, I don't feel those for any gender right now. I kinda feel dead inside in a way, I can smile and laugh but when it comes to my orientation, I FEEL dry filled with anxiety every time I would go to my nearest city.

 

can relate to what you said outside that one time in my class Ive mentioned before, actually most of my strongest feeling with girls felt romantic in a way.
Its all PMO our brain got tired of sex all together while active to the screen.

I've never experience erection thinking of kissing my class mate in school, and I've had this crazy imagination with everybody, even older women, but my body never got erect by it. Heck thinking about I can say whatever inside myself but my body would be dead, and yet still somehow I had an erection just feeling a girls hand touching me. It was the feeling of mutual affection.

I feel its because we lack experience in those years we masturbated to porn. My body craves for the touch of my ex girlfriend, no matter how depressed I feel, because every time I would have hugged her my mind would start to see thing clearly again. We need connection man, if anything I would imagine you are a demisexual, a person that needs to connect on an emotional level to even experience sexual desire for that person.

 

I relapse -_____________________________________________________-
tomorrow I start a new _:- fucking hell

 

I saw my triggers and I'm learning from them, I would say I will not do it again but i swear this HOCD has me stuck in a cage with a beast and I'm only holding a damn pencil to defend myself

 

NEW DAY NEW START DAY 1

 

Day 1

I was in the city feeling more confident. I fantasize many things, nothing homosexual and if i did I would accept it fine, but I also seem to get this fucked up OCD right now, that only adds up to my HOCD, somehow women would be pretty, but then few seconds in, I would look at their face like they have a face of a fish, basically skin blob. Its clear I'm all sort of messed up. (I over-analyze women's faces and start seeing flaw)
ITS LIKE I'M LOOKING FOR A SO CALLED PERFECT FLAWLESS FACE THAT DOESN'T' EXIST.

I mean WTH, I doubt gay people have this about themselves. My mother fully accepts gay community, my sister fully accept gay as she has a couple of friends that are gay, basically everybody I care about the most accept them, I myself fully accept gay people, its just that, I just can't accept *not being able to hold a girls hand anymore, and spend romantic times with her. That I just can't accept. If I was to accept myself being gay, I would have to say NO to all of that. Not to mention saying NO to feeling their warm body touching mine and they both genital area also. -_____- oh god, don't take this away from me. LET IS STOP ALREADY. I feel like I have Manic depression, or have Borderline disorder or something -__--

I don't feel normal at all, I feel abnormal.
Also I checked one picture of my ex girlfriend, it was one of our favorites we made, I love the picture we took, she looks beautiful. Just today looking at it, its like its everything but beautiful, what the hell is going on.... I don't get life anymore?

 

fuck HUGE SPIKE
I feel like I'm ego dystonic homosexual -____________________________________- FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

 

Thank you my friend. Its always nice to come across a genuine reply that doesn't directly label people.
What I've learned today.

I seem to always prefer listening to voices while I go to sleep at night, so I always have my computer turned on. And my obsession would start also.
I woke up at 6am and I felt down, feeling depressed, filled with anxiety, I would start to get this feeling in my anal area, but in most cases It would be because my body wanted to release some gas, smelly or not. Still every-time I feel I have even remotely any food digestion in there to release, even the smallest of case, I feel like I have to go to the toilet or else my mind obsess with the idea of getting anally penetrated. All while this add to my worries, my main genital area feels flat out dead, no erection, nothing. I would start to obsess over this idea, I would analyze why I sleep on my stomach, because I want to face it head on, and not try to neglect it, but my OCD would give me thinking its because you like the feeling, so I would turn around, left or right, still after 2 hours of trying to sleep I would finaly manage, and I would wake up at 10am.

But...

I woke up feeling better about myself. I would also feel an erection, not sure if it was from bed rub, or was it a morning wood.
In either way I didn't obsess over that area and I felt like a completely different person. I felt my depression and anxiety was at minimum stage.

Things that I realized:
This obsession only happens in this room, every-time I hit the bed or when I'm really down.
I used to have obsession over my heart beat, fearing it beating to fast, so I focus on it, I focus so much that I started to obsess that its beating to fast and that I will have a heart attack. It would always happen while taking bed. This took about 14 days also to get rid off. While now my obsession is like what they call it, groinal response, because I never had this obsessive thinking over my anal area. I would somehow try direct that attention to my heart beat because I would rather obsess over that but I can't anymore. That obsessin is gone. I also realize that everytime I would lost an obsession I would get a new one in some way realizing only after time, still this Homosexuality exploration has been with me for over a year now.

I also had days where I would obsess over the taste of my saliva, and analyze my breath, I had one bad tooth, and my mind was constantly thinking on the taste of saliva.
I can remember being at the dentist and he would do things and somehow I started to not feel that obsession anymore, the taste was better, breath also, and in those times I felt happy for few days at least, but it would all come back after a while and I would get back on it.
I wouldn't be surrpised if the taste and the smell was all triggered by stress, because bad breath has connection with stress in some areas, and maybe it was never even there, at least not to the extreme I was obsessing over.

I would go speak to my doctor about all this, but OCD in my country is barely a thing. I talked to my mother but she doesn't care, all she say it work, work, work, I know work helps get mind out of things but she is a workhocolic and my family lives a stresfull life, my father is a drunk and my mother is ego-centric because no matter what subject I say, all I hear is me me me, everything goes on her, if i speak about feeling bad, she speaks about what she has, and I have nothing, if i say (Look can we just communicate, just listen to me please) she would say I'm deluded, and then she would instead of listening start to argue, I can't get anywhere with her. I could never speak to my mother on any reasonable level without her saying (you have to work, just work) but never trying to listen to me. Sure I'LL work but I have nobody to hear me out and its killing me inside. Because this obsession, do I have it, what if i don't, what if i don't have it, I wanna hold a girls gentle hands, I don't want to lose this, and yet somehow I feel dead inside nowadays and everything feels so real now, days in and i feel that im coming to accept this orientation, and yet I myself feel that a big part of me will be lost forever. Something inside of me doesn't want to lose himself.
I have this pills called 5THP Plus, i order them online, they are meant to treat OCD, but i have a small operation in June (I have frenulum breve) minor case of it.

Ultimate I still wonder if i ever had OCD or am I just deluding myself to try find excuses, In my heart I know I'm not trying to, but in my mind no matter what I experience In the past it would mean nothing without being properly diagnose with it, and I fear I will get miss-diagnosed, by explaining my things wrong. I know if i was to explain I should never call it HOCD but rather OCD, many people go there and talk specifics when I heard its all one OCD.

One question:
Is OCPD like OCD but I heard it was once in science that many homosexual suffer from OCPD.
Does OCPD give a person to obsess over the taste of their saliva, or heart beat, I also realize there are strange patterns around it.

But there is something
If I was to think about accepting my orientation as Homosexual, my body would respond in tears, my eyes would get watery because I can't accept it. I just can't let go. Why am i such an emotional person? Another one of those questions.

old obsession: Like my constant fear over walking right, this would happen in the city amount the crowd, in this specific areas I walked. I would look down and constantly analyze my walking behavior & people around me, thinking they are judging me. My hocd if I do have it, would give me now thinking that I was probably trying to walk feminine and I was battling to behave as masculine as possible. But I stopped obsessing over that, and I walk just like I want to walk. Not feminine, just normal as i always wanted to walk, I don't analyze my walking, I just walk, its my second nature, It was suppose to be that way. And from that time I also started to look up more, actually all the time, in those times of walking obsession my eye were on my legs most of the time.

Also this:
When I was in the hotel sleeping with my girlfriend, I had not a single second of HOCD, when I hit bed with her I didn't obsess over my anal area and I was happy about it. I was actually really happy, I felt at home.
I loved when we cuddled naked and while I'm not the number 1 fan of ORAL play, would mostly do it to pleasure her, but same goes for her, I did like my main genital area touching her warm sacred area. (heck it felt magnetic at times), Its something about touching that way that felt even more than sex. And just touching her breast made me get an erection everytime because it get me in the mood. But now its like I can't experience that anymore, because I'm clearly a homosexual in the closet. I will have to accept that I will just never be able to spend my life with another woman, sharing bed, touching, going to sleep happy and relaxed with no obsession. If I was homosexual.

But while with her, In those days I felt confident, self-worthy, and in that week when with her I had no OCD to speak off.
But now my HOCD give me thinking its because you wanted to be normal, to fit in, holding hands with your girlfriend and let people see it, you just wanted to show off, taking her as a trophy & nothing more, you don't love her, you just wanted be like the rest.... NORMAL.... -.- wth this made me feel homophobic.

For one I never had an erection kissing my GF on the lips or hugging, holding hands while in the city around people. Now when outside the city walking by ourself, hugging her, kissing her on the lips would be enough to give me a full erection and I was happy, (I felt at peace and relaxed) & it didn't' felt forced, it just felt right, my body just responds and I wasn't fantasizing anything sexual either. It felt special, because I loved doing that with her. Somehow in that moment even the smallest of worries would be gone.
I actually don't like french kissing my GF (HOCD would say thats because you are homosexual), but I thinks its because of my self-look onto my teeth department, I always felt that French kiss while romantic as people say, you feeling nervous something will be a miss. I know when I was one time in this moment, this overeating moment with her in bed, I wouldn't mind having our tongue touch, just not fully in, more like I would like more open kiss, but even a light kiss gives me a responds.

Sorry for writing so much, i found you to be a very kind person just by reading that message and felt like sharing my worries.
To end this I will just say that I know sexuality is not black and white. I mean what would explains prisoners doing the homosexual act, and let all look at romens for example.
But all I know is that when depression is low I feel more heterosexual than bisexual or homosexual, when its mild I felt all of them, but when its worse I feel I'm homosexual in the closet. Why am I getting anal obsession when taking bed now after 27 years of living? I not once question my sexuality, actually I didn't bother with it. I just wanted a person I would wanna be happy with, but after holding a girls hand, my first girlfriend, I can't but to have hard time letting that go, that affection, I was happy and I was happy to see her happy above all else.

I know its all really my low self-esteem at fault thats been only drained stronger by constantly comparing my body and life to others, I think this spike my OCD to start.

I'll clean up my room, go outside to get some sun, and try think positive for starters.
I don't want to self-neglect my body and being, it will take time, but I'll accept myself whoever that person is.

Thank you for recommending me books, I'll be sure to read her things in my private time