NoFap Journal - No More PMO /day by day reminder

yeah man, its time we get things back in order

 

yeah I'm just scared that because I have this operation in my genital this June I shouldn't be taking any pills.
Actually I think treatment isn't going to help until I move out of this house for good and I plan to do this this year. This house has been nothing but torment, arguing, did I mentioned I was once threatened by a father holding a knife, because I took his phone... next day back to work -.- like nothing happened. I was silent about it all, because my mother was scared of him and I just couldn't let go of that place, I freaking stick around protecting my sister and her. But all I got was stress and anxiety. Now I can't even recognize myself anymore. I know I should come first, but I need my own space to heal my body, that was surprisingly always incredible healthy from physical perspective just to be mentally not so healthy.

I just want my own place, my own apartment, something I can call my own and be my own boss.

Thank you on your feedback, I know there is something a miss with me, but I always had hard time believing in pills and I always was a strong believer of self-healing, but I know things like this can be overwhelming to one persons mind, so i need extra help.

 

yeah man I know how it is noticing heart racing is another obsession on that moment, you analyze everything, but it should feel at home and it should feel good, it shouldn't feel like heart racing is something to be surprised about if it was not an obsessional check. Obsessional checking starts in the mind and focuses on the body next afterall, which is just what you said. Its like me checking if I leaked any pre-liquet (natural body lub) while talking to any of my male friends. I checked so many times in the toilet afterwards, it was obsessive checking, I know how much pre-cum I released on the days I was with my GF,just being with her. Heck I wanted to hold back over the day for a stronger longer erection, but somehow just being with her made me lose so much over the day it was crazy lol and my mind wasn't even thinking of sex most of the time, but maybe it was, still i was living in the moment, still keeping my P from leaking was mission impossible. I never leaked anything around any of my friends while my mind was giving me thinking,,,, maybe i did, I need to check.

 

as i stated, I know Ill try get some extra help and Ill not allow my hardheadedness to slow me down from asking for some help, so I'll keep your advice in mind, thank you.

 

So after my last relapse I'm on day 3 again -.-

Today's dream were something else.
I was on the bus stop and this old lady start to steal my money, I'm like what do you think your doing and she start throwing her bag at me lol wth then homosexual person Rickie Martin comes out of nowhere with other random people and start to have a debate with the old hag, then I'm like WOW the dude is taller than I imagine :O I'm staying my place and it all kinda feels like I'm being defended, the feeling felt good, not going to lie. I mean he is one handsome dude but (Nothing sexual) really.

This reminded me of all the years i protected my mother from a drunking brute knows as my dad, part of feels weak and wants to feel protected I feel, but this is the part I need to better myself, stabilize my confidence level, I never had a male role-model in my life and I feel this plays a role in all of it.

Then I would be in the airport (this dream was actually lucid so I could do whatever I wanted)
I was looking at the magazine and started to feel a great relief because females started to get more beautiful, or attractive as one would say, then I would look around and check gender and compare to other gender, but then something strike me.... wait what am I doing? this is a lucid dream, I know its a dream, I can get so BJ's right now and have some possible sex with women, being its my dream and I'm my own master in here, its not consider rape, and I can make them even wanting it.

So I storm my way into the nearest female toilet open the nearest door and there were 3 females, there was this one which face i can find familiar, I think she is going to school with us, one of the people in the class, well anyways she didn't complain and gave me a BJ, it all feels so real also. I would after that wake up with a Morning Wood, it took a while for me to wake up to a Morning Wood, didn't have any pre-ejaculation, so no wet dream, but I felt less depressed, actually I'm feeling less depressed with each passing day in the morning, and it the morning it used to be the worse before.

All that HOCD obsession, as some point escalated to me thinking I wanna give myself ORAL which would actually be right after I masturbated and all felt warm, but honestly looking now its more about me wanting to get a BJ, and not give myself one, while female is the gender preference in giving me one. I'm not going to lie, I also had a second mind check what if i was to check man toilet, I mean and test this Homosexual behavior ocd, but honestly my mind was too into girls to even think of a dude when sex was the main goal. Being Lucid dream I wanted what I want in real life.

with each single day
I'm feeling more energetic
more positive
more me

 

damn you have a good point well next time I'm so not doing that again, I'll go talk to a walk

 

Day 4 I feel stronger love for myself.
Today I've walk with nature. I feel the more I stay away from this high exciting things, watching high intense things (drooping my dopamine levels) the better, I have so much energy saved. Just relaxing my mind, body and soul. I just had a sprint run session twice this evening, and I interacted with everybody I saw along the way. I used to just say good evening and that was that, heck sometimes I would feel like an anti-magnet to people so I would even avoided them. But this time I was feeling the urge to interact, and I didn't feel like forcing myself at all, or over-thinking what should I say, I just talked in the moment. Outside of that I continue exercising, just feeling great, HECK I feel like I'm on some high end adrenaline drug or something. So fucking positive, I still have that feeling in my A hole, but you know what I don't give a FUCK really it just doesn't bother me fuck maybe I'm one kinky son of a bitch that may just want my GF to anally penetrate me with a strap-on, who knows lol hey would make it interesting, but again I can't say this is what I want, at least not yet, because of my obsession thinking ocd lol But I'm okay if that is that hahah I would take that idea just fine.

Its fucking day 4 wth, I guess I did relapse before on day 72 and once on 27 so I guess the improvements are drastically increasing based on my decent days of relapse.

One more thing regarding me feeling Asexual. That thing always happened when I would left my GF's side, we are in long distance relationship. But its like everytime we would get to see each other every 2 months, by libido would reawaken on that last day before I see her (h-ocd completely gone also), and when we would separate my libido would lock itself making me feel yeah, that again lol. Its weird but thats just how my dick thinks and honestly I'm no complaining, make me focused on other things also

Sorry ladies but my hearts seems to be taken haha
Hope everybody is doing okay

 

Just woke up feeling relaxed slept for solid 8 hours. Feeling like building my energy one more time. Also I'm starting to gain this feel feeling of attraction. At night I fantasize more normal thing, I used to have obsessional thinking of dick sucking, I couldn't breath with my mouth opened without thinking of giving it a head -_- luckily those thoughts are gone now. Now I'm starting to fantasize more normal things, like how much I actually like my girlfriend, Just fantasizing of waking up next to her, and just going around with her, I'm liking this more innocent fantasies.

Oh yeah I had a dream also lol. How is it that i can remember all my sleeping dreams nowadays? (This dream was not lucid, like the last was)
Bruce Lee was at the dentist place lol I was there and my mother was there both waiting for the dentist, he was talking why can't they replace all hi teeth already and we start saying the same, then he gone out, and i started to speak to him, in English and I asked him are you Lee and he said yes I'm Lee, and we would open the door, this person would become younger and more feminine, like Bruce Lee's daughter. I would start talking to this person, and this person would ask me if I'm gay?, and I would say no, and this person would tell me while doing down stairs that she doesn't know much about gay people, and I was thinking to myself I don't know much about gay people either, I mean I never had a friend thats gay, (still have my best friend thats actually bisexual) still I didn't question myself when I say NO to her question. I kinda felt like I started to like her. I think this was in school.

My dreams are weird man lol but sharing the weirdness with the bunch of you all while this one is still more normal than my usual ones.

 

HELP! I need help, tell me what condoms should I get

I did it again. I saw a naked female on my net, don't ask how I got there -.-
still I just fapped but I decide to not masturbate to the picture instead I would fap to measure my damn equipment. I didn't ejaculate. little pre-cum but thats that.
Even today I'm freaking out about it, you see I have a small case of fredulum breve, just a small one and im getting operation this June

now on April my GF is giving me a visit and I need to figure out what condoms are the best.
First time we were together trying to do it, I used Durex Real Feel which is 205cm height and 56mm width and its only 50fat product I think (no latex) product which is great so you feel more.
But fucking hell it made it look like they were too tight (that width man) afterall idk, Everytime I would put him on I would get a semi erection, I could masturbate hard but notices that my head could never be 100%, more like 80% so impossible to penetrate.

I got worried that I'm gay even after always wanting to penetrate a pussy, that whole idea turns me on, that was the biggest dream when sexual desires were involved that and BJ/HJ, but shit made no sense because if anything I would rather do it without them condoms the most, but my GF isn't going to take pregnancy pills and honestly I'm nobody to tell her she should, I mean looking at the side effects, some women can't even get wet while on them and I like when I make mine wet, it turns me on. But either way I respect her way in not using them.

Still I was worried, and she saw me worried so we decided to buy more fatter ones at the nearest erotica shop, standard ones Custom Size ones with 60mm width and 192cm height, but by that point I took them golden pill, I never had no problem getting a full erection with my GF, heck just kissing her lips would give me a 100% one, let alone touching her boobs, ass etc. its just that once i took that damn pill i can't say if that that made it last in erection or the actual condom, but I was scared. You have to know that I'm not nervous of her or her body, its the act of failing again that makes me nervous. I would penetrate just fine, and before that while I did put then on, I also realize they were super easy to put on, (even my GF said that the previous durex real feel felt like they were too tight by the looks of it), but this ones seem fine, as they didn't feel like they too big either, they didn't want slide off at all, just right. But those damn condoms have 75mm fatness to them so thats like one of those condoms called extra safe which is 80mm, so I couldn't feel shit anything. But I've been used to using my hand for so many years, I never was inside a woman's body before prior to this, but it felt like I can't ejaculate for shit in her, no matter how long I can go, actually at some point I was going too fast, (Hey I'm new lol, I was obsessing on my performance instead of mutual pleasure, that was effect it also), I started to get a pain in my throat and the heart beat increased too much, I had to stop actually, but I'm physically healthy. I shouldn't have taken that damn pill. They did say to take half, the whole thing may be too much for a person that doesn't suffer serious ED problems and younger, and honestly now I wonder did I even need that damn pill? Because it also makes ejaculation harder to achieve. I just wanted to boost my confidence for that moment, but now I ask myself. Would I just do it just fine without it? The condom did feel more comfortable after all.

Today I tested that condom custom one (60mm) while i used my hand my P was fully erect with a condom he was 100%
when i used Durex real feel it was 80% and going down to 70% it would take hell of a master fapping the pleasure to get it to 95% but the head still turns with a press of the finger. Something that was minimum with 60mm ones.

I used to have obsession over the size of my penis, feeling I will not be able to pleasure my companion with such size. I was also always insecure in my normal body size being 1,75cm
My P size is 6'8 height (17,8cm)
and it seems condoms with 60mm in width seems to do the trick, what are the best condoms on the market for such size ?

Please Help me