The day my Marriage changed...

I'm feeling the same. Despite their current changes, the betrayal and heartless, callous behavior have done their damage. Stopping isn't enough. They have to find a way to somehow not only become a new, better version of themselves but ALSO actively find a way to make it up to us. So frustrating.

 

Sorry if my post was offensive this book helped me in my journey. Hoped it might be helpful to you. Hope you have better days.

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

 

So here's the thing....because of selfish thinking and behavior on the part of our husbands and boyfriends, we ladies have been half of really low quality relationships. We've read books and done research and bent over backwards trying to find a way to make our relationships better....all the while the men have been NOT reading books, NOT doing research, NOT making ANY efforts to make our lives and relationships better.

Now they are FINALLY making life changes. NOW they are FINALLY making an effort to be less selfish and to STOP the active sabotaging of their relationships. They are trying to put the breaks on that crazy train. But now that they are trying to make efforts to not ruin the relationship, the significant others are realizing just how little control they actually had in the relationship in the first place. We've been doing all this work trying to fix our house and make it better, only to find out that all the while, the men have been ACTIVELY TEARING IT DOWN.

SO Please don't tell us to read another book and do MORE work to take control of our lives and emotions. We deserve to feel as bad as we want and lash out and say mean things. Maybe we shouldn't. Maybe that's not helping. But considering how much damage the men in our lives have been doing all the while they SHOULD HAVE BEEN supporting US......They SHOULD HAVE been reading books and doing research and finding a way to make OUR lives better. They should have been supportive life partners all this time. We've earned the right to our emotions.

Since most of our partners have lived life in a porn fog and been uncommitted partners in the first place, we've been emotionally supporting ourselves all this time. We've earned the right to feel HOWEVER we feel. MORE THAN EARNED IT. We've earned the right NOT TO TRUST YOU. You've taught us that lesson over and over and over....in most cases, over YEARS of lies. In many cases, you've been lying to us and emotionally cheating on us for the whole length of our relationship.

So maybe don't tell us to empower ourselves. We're struggling to survive here in the face of hurt and constant betrayal. And we're dealing with years of accumulated distrust and hurt and betrayal. We're going to deal with it differently. And if you have to suffer from our distrust and hurt feelings, maybe that's a good thing. It's time to face up to the consequences of your behavior. Suck it up, gentlemen and be men about it. Politically correct of me? Nope. Kind and gentle and nurturing? Nope. Honest? Yes. And really, isn't it time we we're all a little more grown up and honest? YES.

 

Hello Melissa, I know it's hard to forgive someone you love that betrayed your trust i in them. I am 66 and was married for 35 years when my wife passed away. I remember when she found a porn magazine years ago when she was pregnant with out second child. It sure hurt her, but eventually she got over it, but as they say, never forgot. Some years ago she found that I was looking at porn websites on the computer, I couldn't deny that, she did not seem as mad then, although the site was pretty nasty. If you look in the over 40 year old forum you can read my story it's titled Sex Addiction. I know that if anyone that knows me read that they would not believe that was me. I would say most people would say I am a nice person, but I guess I have a dark side. I am trying to beat this addiction, probably for selfish reasons, as I don't want to deal with porn induced ED. I am involved with a lady friend for the past 4 years and don't think I would be comfortable talking about this with her. I have went over 6 months PMO free then something gets me to look. I do know that this NoFap works, and I am determined to beat it. I wish you and your husband well.

 

I read through your journal Melissa and I also wish I never found out .... ignorance is bliss .... I was engaged , very happy not having a clue about his barely legal fetishism .... My bf is totally ok with his looking at porn .... I'm the one with the problem you see .... I also am in therapy by myself he won't go .... He rather lose me than realise he has a problem .... I can definitely relate with how you're feeling .... will never trust him near anything Internet related , All the time he was nice to me he was looking at porn valentines day , Christmas etc.... He just couldn't wait to get on the computer .... I am so depressed :'(

 

These feelings do seem to come in waves. I experience them myself. The trick for me is to be able to vent and bleed off all that emotion just enough that I don't explode and verbally burn down our house.

Being in oneSided relationships makes us feel like we are unable to unburden ourselves with our addict SOs. But - For a marriage to work and be any kind of healthy, there has to be mutual support. Which in the turn means that we have to be able to be honest with our spouses with how hurt and betrayed we feel. And they have to learn how to not only hear it, but also find a way to support US as we heal as a couple.

I could certainly identify with everything you expressed.and you said it well. Try not to hold yourself to an impossible standard of being perfectly supportive 24/7. Let yourself feel the grief. It's an appropriate response.

Then decide if you love him enough to start over. Even though it may mean starting again, and then again. Don't beat yourself up if you have a line in the sand. (I will take THIS MUCH AND NO MORE.) For your own mental well being, it needs to be there. Feel what you're feeling. And don't apologize. You got this!

((((Hugs))))

 

Sorry this hasn't gotten any better for you @about a girl
Are you any closer to being in a financial position to move out?

 

@WifeInTheDark
Thank you for caring about me ! *hugs* here is an update :
I am going to get my driver licence it's a big step in the right direction

 

Good girl! I'm proud of you! ((((Hugs))))

 

This feeling of helplessness is something we all feel I think. They hold all the power in the relationship at the moment. Especially in the case where the man isn't interested in sex or intimacy. The only choice we have is to stay and endlessly forgive. Or leave and ensure the complication of leaving a marriage or long term relationship (splitting assets, custody of children etc) and the emotional devastation of losing the one we love.

Its ok to feel angry and unforgiving. Sometimes I want to shout at the husband. To make him feel as terrible as I've felt. Hurt him as much as he's hurt me. The thing to remember, is that you're only in control of yourself. You control how you chose to act and how you feel. Yes these things are brought about by his actions. But you can't control his actions. You can only control your reaction. Forgivness comes over time, with him sticking to his promises and changing his behaviour. If he continues to refuse to change his behaviour, you must decide if you can stay. If it is causing you this much distress (it seems like you're struggling a lot here) pperhaps it's worth distancing yourself. Maybe leave for a while? Stay with a friend? Sleep in the spare room? @TheWife sent me a good article about emotional distancing. Or something. It was a good read and maybe something you could try. Just to try and protect yourself emotionally for a while, get some perspective. Anyway, I hope you find happiness xx

 

You're welcome. That's what we're here for. This is an incredibly shitty situation to be in. Essentially, the one person we should be able to turn to for comfort and support, suddenly is the source of your misery. Its also difficult to find anyone else to talk to about this stuff.

Fortunately for my husband, I can be a bit of a pushover. I forgive quite easily as long as I know he's trying. Of course, I will never forget what he has done to our relationship. I'm not perfect either though. I have quite a few (what might be considered) male attributes. (not a penis or anything lol). I'm terrible at expressing myself. I don't talk about my feelings if I can help it. I don't like relying on anyone else and I'm super stubborn and often grumpy.

I figure,a good relationship is one where you both grow and learn. Thays how I feel right now anyway. I may change my mind haha.