1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

My journal - stories from The Wife of a porn addict

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by TheWife, Sep 13, 2015.

  1. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

    94
    188
    33
    Totally makes sense. He used to write me alot, but that has dwindled. He did actually write me a note the day before the dirty deed came out. I was so happy to see his feelings out on paper, the effort. It had been a very long time since I got any emotion from him. It came out of left field. Then, the very next early morning hour of that precious note, my happiness fell to dread after walking in on him. Ughhhhh.....this is so hard, this roller coaster!
     
    Mj1064 and WifeInTheDark like this.
  2. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

    281
    508
    93
    It is a rollercoaster I'm afraid. It takes time and work to get anything back after being betrayed like this. I'm so sorry to see more of us ladies added to the ranks. Its also hard to find people to talk to about this as most women asume porn watching is normal for men. I used to be one of those women. The difference is, most men can use it every now and again no problem (although in my opinion now, nobody should be using it) But there are a lot of men for whom it takes over everything else.

    To offer some advice that the wife gave me early on. Take care of yourselves. Make sure your own mental well-being is taken care of. Or it will eat you up.

    Incidentally, @TheWife are you ok? You've been quiet for a while xx
     
    Gamerwife85, WifeInTheDark and Mj1064 like this.
  3. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

    142
    195
    43
    I guess we'll never truly know but we have to learn to trust them again. For my part, my hubby wrote his story and I blocked his main offending websites. I've said in other threads that this helped him by knowing the sites weren't available to him - I had, in effect, taken away his toys! Accountable2You is on our devices, not because I don't trust him because he has worked really hard in proving to me that he's 'clean' but for me! If he goes on a 'dodgy' website, I get a text message almost instantly. We tested this on Ann Summers - lol. Not only did it give me the site he was on but a link to the item he was looking at!! I also get a daily email telling me in the form of amber or red lights, if there was any 'dodgy' business going on. It is only $4.99 a month, so about £3.50 and for my peace of mind, it's well worth it. Don't get me wrong - I still have days where I'm more edgy than normal or I think back to when he used to get peeved with me, conversations we've had where in his mind he was doing nothing wrong and I was being a total pain in the arse and I feel so angry. It made me feel stupid apart from anything! Thinking everything was ok and saying how much better I felt and about trust issues, while all the time he was still doing 'his thing' behind my back! I could rant, get really angry and cry still but that wouldn't do us any good. He has stepped up to do his part, so I have to do mine and start to trust him again. The fact that I love him to bits is a massive help :)
     
    WifeInTheDark, MaKa and DireMerl like this.
  4. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

    142
    195
    43
    I feel the same........seeing it in writing makes it more real for me too. Like he's really acknowledging it.
     
    WifeInTheDark and MaKa like this.
  5. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

    94
    188
    33
    I agree with you 100%, and thank you. It all makes sense. I'm learning!
     
    Mj1064 likes this.
  6. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

    94
    188
    33
    Question: do the accountability apps monitor site usage when someone uses "private" or incognito mode to browse?
     
  7. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

    142
    195
    43
    A2Y monitors both 'normal' mode and incognito. It will tell you if they go on Skype, and for how long and basically every move they make while online. Go to https://www.accountable2you.com/features and take a look. It's so simple and I think it's a 10 day free trial. You download it and then can add as many devices as you want and just set yourself (or anybody else) as the accountable partner. Who ever that partner is will get the reports.
     
    WifeInTheDark and MaKa like this.
  8. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

    94
    188
    33
    so we just signed up for the app and put it on 2 of his devices. Problem, they are work devices that are apple, ios. So this isn't monitoring his other apps or browsers and he can not remove them from his phone due to work. Any ideas, suggestions to help eliminate or block, or filter??
     
  9. CptCane

    CptCane Fapstronaut

    84
    336
    53
    I know some companies that will terminate employees because if P in their devices. Unless it's a personal device used for work.
     
  10. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

    143
    399
    63
    Yeah, pretty much ALL companies.
     
  11. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

    142
    195
    43
    It may be because I've just woken up but I don't quite understand ... Lol. If it's Apple that you want it on, the app is in the App Store to download and then log in as normal. I have it on two iPads and two laptops. It won't affect anything to do with work as long as he is allowed to download the file in the first place.
     
    MaKa likes this.
  12. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

    94
    188
    33
    Yes, it is confusing. lol. It says in the instructions for Apple that it will not notify accountable because of Apple's operating sys and the way it was built. It has some kind of block from the accountable app being able to track browsers in the ios. So that app is the actual browser he would have to use in order for me to get reports but it doesn't report if he uses any other browser accessible from apps on his phone i.e. safari, chrome, ads in apps, etc. So it makes the app pretty non-useful if he can just open a different browser. Regardless, after some research, we did figure out a way of restricting (parental controls) the use of the other browsers, even disabling the safari with password protection (only I have that password) through the settings themselves, so hopefully this rectifies the problem.
     
  13. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

    142
    195
    43
    When I get home, I'll test it for you on my iPad.
     
    MaKa likes this.
  14. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

    204
    564
    93
    Hiya DM,

    All fine. But busy as my Mum has come to visit. So we are busy catching up and running after the hoard.

    I'll update later tonight.

    TW x
     
    WifeInTheDark and Mj1064 like this.
  15. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

    142
    195
    43
    Ok. So for it to work on iPad or, I assume iPhone, you open up the app and yes, it has its own browser. So I guess, remove Safari so that this browser is used. I have also used the security settings to block certain pages.... I also didn't get a text message when I went on some test pages but they did all show up when I looked at the report.
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2016
  16. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

    94
    188
    33
    yeah...I was torn about the whole idea of it. I think without the addition of blockers, in the case of an iphone or ipad, the actual app really won't be useful. If he can still use his normal browser without reports, essentially, what's the point. He wanted the accountability and even suggested to add additional controls to prevent him from his old habits. I agreed.
     
  17. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

    281
    508
    93
    You could try accountability 2 you. That doesn't block anything but it will send you alerts if he uses something naughty. That will work on any device and works on incognito mode too. No way around that I can think of. You have to pay like £3.99 a month. That might help if you're worried he will try to get around the block. The other thing you could try is blocking sites through your router. I have zero idea how though xx
     
    WifeInTheDark and MaKa like this.
  18. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

    204
    564
    93
    Hello everyone,

    It's been a while. Did you miss me?

    I've been busy entertaining my mum who came for a two week visit. She misses the kids so much. I miss my family a lot. We are all very close and it is hard being so far away from them all. My grandmother has been sick, she had another stroke last week and is quite fragile now. I don't think she will make it to Christmas when our next trip is planned. I wish I was there and at the moment, with me not finding much on the work front, it is difficult to justify me being here (apart from the financial side - and that does count for a lot).

    I discovered an unopened advent calendar, so I'm eating the afternoon away. Not a great coping mechanism but hey, you do what ya gotta do.

    Hubby has been doing great. He's been sinking himself into the renovation project and is making huge progress. He really has turned himself around. He is present with the family and is a great dad. He has been open and loving with me. We haven't had much time/privacy of late but we have been doing fine.

    I still get moments of rage that I need to process. I am coming to terms with his actions but they have done a lot of lasting damage. He knows this. i still cannot believe some of the things he did. It's like he was a different person. It was the evil twin that took over and committed all these horrible acts, but it seeped throughout all of our relationship. I still don't believe he's told me the whole truth, maybe he has. I'll never know. I guess in someways I feel like I have never known all of him.

    I put my wedding rings on again. I decided that I cannot be half in with our marriage. I need to make a full commitment to us. So that is what I am doing. I am doing everything I can to make our relationship healthy, strong and loving.

    Tonight I'm planning a relaxed dinner for the both of us with a bottle of wine. Hope the kids agree and allow it by going to bed on time!

    Take care NoFappers.
     
  19. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

    281
    508
    93
    You're both amazing. You give me hope xx
     
    TheWife and Gamerwife85 like this.
  20. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

    204
    564
    93
    Hello,

    Would someone please make this nasty cold weather end. I'm sick of it. I need some sunshine.

    Not much to report on. Hubby still going strong. Porn is a thing of the past. He said he doesn't think of it anymore and he's really moved on in his life. I'm am truly proud of him.

    Construction is in full force with husband using all his spare time to create a bedroom and bathroom in our attic. It's coming along much faster than I thought it would. He's done a brilliant job. Soon it will be time for my parts - finishes and painting.

    Kids are fine. Battling never ending sniffles, bronchitis and ear infections. They have been playing a lot with their dad. I love seeing them all together having fun. The Dude has been trying to walk unsuccessfully, and has many bruises to show for it. Squeeky is just plain adorable.

    Me, well, I still get bad days where I think about what has happened and I get fearful of hubby going back to his addiction. I also have several insecurities about myself due to his behaviour. I have thoughts, such as "am I enough for him", "am I okay in bed" and times where I question my self worth. I know the answers to these questions but due to the hurt they still keep coming up. I was never an insecure person previously, and I hope that as time heals the wounds, I will return to my usual confident self.

    Hubby and I are still a bit out of synch with sex. He's content with a romp in the sack every now and then, whereas I'd like more frequent sexy time. I am also the one who initiates most of the time, which is getting old.

    Still no news on the job front. It is a really tough market here. So many applicants for so few positions. My old boss did call and asked what I was up to as there may be something with his company in a month or two. That was a great little boost to know someone I had worked with had sought me out. I'll keep on applying to all I see in the meantime. Send me some positive thoughts!

    I've finished off a few of my personal projects around here and am looking for some new ones. I've given up on trying to make our house clutter free and organized - with a one year old, a three year old and a hopeless husband it is a losing battle.

    A huge shout out to @TheFiancée and @ronswanson who tied the knot the other week. Congrats to both of you. You are a strong, beautiful couple and I wish you both all the happiness in the world.

    And, that's all for now folks!
     

Share This Page