genericname4403's journal

Thanks a lot. When I started here I still wanted a bit of anonymity and didn't want to go with any of my standard online identities .

 

NONONONONO!!!

Definitely do not do that, though I fear I am too late. This is depression's way of winning complete control over you, because if it can make you give up something you have been working hard on for such an incredible length of time, it will take the few things in life away from you that give your life its meaning. Please, for your sake do not let your overwhelming temporary emotions make you do something you will regret. This happened to me last summer, after a reached a streak of 50 days of abstinence. I thought PMO was behind me for good and all it took was 1 really bad day and acting on impulse, and I was back to an addiction, which had come back with vengeance. Just take your time to think about how much this has improved your life. You are a more controlled person, able to value women not as commodities and have improved health from abstinence. There are many more things I'm sure you can find. Please however you want to deal with your problems do not ever resort to destroying perhaps the one thing you have worked hard on and are proud to have achieved. I wish you strength in this hard time and hope you will see this nofap streak lasting the rest of your life.

David

 

Thank you for your kind words. I managed to resist that day, but it becomes increasingly harder these days.

You mention to think about how this has improved my life, but I have to admit, it hasn't. I'm not happier by any means. Not to see any benefits is very hard.
The reason I still resist these days is the possibility of depression letting me free someday. Because I'm sure that being free from PMO will help me then, even if I can't appreciate it now, as consequence of being barely able to appreciate anything. I'll have to keep going.

 

I am indeed searching out for therapy.
Right now, I'm mostly trying to do something that is somehow useful plus I can make myself do it. If I manage, I workout and meditate, those two help the most to regain power and get in a healthier mental state. In the last week, I wasn't really able to (the last week was the hardest so far ever). If it is really bad I will just try to waste the time by distracting myself (not any distraction that hurts in the long-term like alcohol or PMO, but still not very useful things). I do that because doing entirely nothing is not as easy as one thinks, and if I have no energy, I try to minimize the energy the task I do consumes. I also pursue my hobbies from time to time, but I'm not able to perform as good as I want.
It is a very lucky point of time to have such a huge slump because I have a few free weeks right now and I couldn't deal with studying at the moment.
Although I know it is not my fault and I generally don't feel guilty, I still feel a bit uncomfortable of how unproductive I am.

As example day, today I woke up at 9 am, ate breakfast, played video games, ate lunch, watched YT, played piano, played chess, ate dinner, ate dinner, played more chess, watched YT again, and now I'm here.
I tried twice to workout today and once to meditate and my focus was shifting away really quickly and it took long until I realized it. I then didn't continue trying.
I've had a few small bursts of motivation that didn't last longer than 10 min, one Skype conversation with a fellow chessplayer (in depression, you tend to want to isolate but it's not helpful either so I have to force myself to keep some social contacts. I've cried a little bit once this day, I get most emotional when looking at my life from an outsider's perspective, and when I then feel empathy for the person that is me. It is really hard to see me suffering this much, together with the uncertainty of how it will develop. I am somehow scared of the perspective that I will stay with depression my entire life and become a person my past self wouldn't recognize anymore.

There were also some positive sides, I broke one of my chess rating records and I am making progress with my hobbies overall, but it doesn't make me happy. In the past, on many occasions after a great victory I first was relieved and then saw how I am still unhappy and that made it even worse. Maybe I'm going through that stage with NoFap right now. I'm in control of PMO, I've reached what I thought will solve (at least some of) my problems, and it didn't. My motivation for anything is down. I don't believe it anymore, that the goal will make me happy, and good luck having fun with the path towards there when you are depressive.

 

I'm not sure what to think. From my eyes, it doesn't seem like depression is close to being a gift, rather an illness trying to kill you from the inside. I don't even think society tries to hit me down, my problems don't exist because of society.
What do you mean by being spiritual?

 

Thank you for your kind words. It is a pleasant surprise to hear my journal has helped you, it definitely motivates me to keep writing from time to time.
I agree with you that depression can make you question your character and in that way reshape you towards a better self, but at least I'd only be able to enjoy all of the benefits when I'm not as effected by it.
I don't really believe in life after death, my attitude was always that you appear once in this universe, can do your thing, and leave with death. Everything materialistic, but more long-term also your legacy, will have no objective value, but only the value you assign to it. This worldview seems hopeless or void to some, but it also is liberating, it gives the individual the opportunity to live their life according to their views without a duty to fit into some sort of higher plan or something.
Spirituality probably works in a way that you have to have experienced it to understand it in some way, and I either didn't or didn't realize it. Maybe I will gain a higher understanding about these concepts when I keep meditating as a habit. Let's see if chess can also teach me something about it

 

Today is a worse day again. It doesn't feel like any progress on the great scheme of things. Instead of more, I'm having less appetite the last days. 5 meals in the last 3 days is probably not enough. I'll try to get my workout and meditation done today, that would already be a success.

 

Urges are so strong! I don't know if I can make it, I am on my last reserves! Hopefully they won't last too much longer.

 

First of all, yesterday the urges were strong and I looked up some stuff I shouldn't, but I didn't give myself an excuse to binge, didn't MO, and went to sleep eventually.
Today I decided to change up my strategy. First of all, the reboot didn't make me any happier, and any further benefits are hard to appreciate when depressive. Also, a few days ago when I had a wet dream the following days my mood was better. I therefore decided to alter my strategy to a release once or twice per week (see if that works out). MO will happen without P because it can increase the thirst for more (Coolidge effect) and creates false images, objectification and so on... Fantasizing to MO can have a similar effect if you think of P while doing it so I will try to do these releases within a neutral state of mind. Obviously having these releases together with a partner would be better but it won't happen in the near future, so this is better than nothing.

I might switch back to full abstinence if I see my energy levels decreasing (which I can't imagine, they are very low already), or, more likely, if the chaser effects are too strong and binges with P will become more of a danger.

Let's see if it works for me.