Relationship Monotony/Monogamy Challanges

I have previously been married (more than once -- and for over 10 years each time).

I have always had a PMO problem, and as well other problems beyond that involving cheating. I have worked very hard on these issues and am finally (and successfully) tackling the PMO issues. I have read lots of the stuff about non-monogamy. I have been in these guys' positions of wanting other women all the time. Both in addition to and to the exclusion of my wife. It's pretty clear to me at this point that when I was married, I selected quickly and poorly (probably related to issues associated with my addiction).

In my present relationship of over 2 1/2 years, I'm very comfortable with the idea of monogamy. My g/f is the only person I want to be with, I very rarely fantasize about others. The loving feelings that I have with our sex are beyond anything I have experienced with anyone, and it's by far the best sex of my life (and there is little special physically about it). This is a big change from my marriages, and was not really related to letting go of PMO (I have felt this way since I have been with her). However, in the process of letting go of PMO, it's becoming even clearer to me that she's the partner I want.

My suggestion is that we need to first fix our issues associated with our compulsions/addictions/whatever, and then, once this is done, we can see what we have and what we want. Maybe you split up, maybe you don't wish to be monogamous. But when our brains are so fogged, it's very hard to tell which end is up. It's all good IMHO, but the real answers can be totally foreign, elusive, and unexpected while we are consuming our drugs.

 

I've never had a problem with monogamy. Period.

 

Been with my wife 28 years. Married for 23 or 24. Very hard to keep it fresh and sexually active. Lots of cycles of change, but sexually always less and less active. But since I've taken responsibility for my part in our declining intimacy and my pmo habit, I feel much better. Still struggling, happy to have found this group and supportive community. I'm already finding as I wean off the pmo that I can focus more on connecting with the wife, less sex expectation, and more focus on other activities. AND I still desire more intimacy...

 

I fully understand your well explained position. I often had that questioning....

My take on it is that we have to learn to be better. Not tibetan monk better, but grow up to another level.

Most people know the Maslow "pyramid of NEEDS" (hierarchy of needs).



We need to work on getting higher up the pyramid. Sex is a basic instinct. the top of the pyramid deals with fulfilment of self, accomplishment, spirituality.

It is MY BELIEF that its the way. What do you think?

 

I seen in the paper that some lawmaker want to push for having a written agreement from a wife to allow the doctor to prescribe the "bluepill". The older folks getting back in the game want too much sex, and the old ladies are either liking it, being coerced into it or just the the ol man to gtfo..

Quote:
A bill, HB 396, sponsored by Democrat Rep. Mary Lou Marzian of Kentucky, also called for a couple of visits to the doctor before buying the drug.


"I want to protect these men from themselves," said Marzian, a nurse,


The bill would also require doctors to "prescribe a drug for erectile dysfunction only to a man who is currently married" and "require a man to make a sworn statement with his hand on a Bible that he will only use a prescription for a drug for erectile dysfunction when having sexual relations with his current spouse."


Not only we are in a monogamous relationship, but later in life, we're supposed to stop thinking about sex.
There is work to be done to adapt!

I mean I have no issues with monogamy. I wouldn't screw around behind my wife's back. i love her too much. But now that I'm a PMO addict, I understand better the need toe have the man fighting its "beast" urges.

 

I think this a good topic and i often wonder the same thing in my marriage. The females posting in this topic need to understand that the men in here need other men for support and encouragement and not to feel belittled for what we are going through and how we think. Many men i know personally question monogamy and i commend the men in here for dealing with our issues instead of cheating on our spouse as the answer.

 

Pretty heavy on the judgement there, Atonement. When youre into a long term relationship for a long time maybe you'll have a different experience. Maybe not. But it is true that many men struggle with monogamy and the differing sexual desires between partners. Judge me as you will but I've experimented with open relationship, sex outside my marriage, and am still in it to win it. I don't want to leave my partner, but sometimes it's a struggle. I hope it's easy and flowing for you and yours for many decades.

 

I think we should aim for monogamy in general. It's probably hard for some, due to the COOLIDGE effect, seeking different mates.
I have respect for open marriage people, their choice. I don't have what it takes to go that route. I'd be jealous, possibly develop low-self esteem in the long run.

My personal goal is against the grain: I want to stay in a healthy loving relationship with my wife until we both die from old age. With the increasing amount of divorces, it's a challenge.

 

Read My post again...

 

I

I never said you have.

Read my post again. I didn't say anything about what I think about monogamy or if I have problem with it.

 

And finally the thread is back on its topic

 

Good post, all of the arguing that is not productive for this forum needs to stop. I am not pointing fingers Here but in general.

I think the base for it is the completely different cultures that unite here. We all need to understand that and let some comments slide.

 

I don't consider my beef with ISO arguing. What bothered me was that his outlook on monogamy was clouded by his PMO addiction. That's why I told him several times that he didn't even know what his sexual tastes were and to give it time to reboot.
That said, encouraging post ISO.

 

[/QUOTE]I'd also like to reference I kindaknew's post as it was perhaps a useful bit of info that seems to have flown under the radar in this conversation.



I think it makes a lot of sense. Question...

If you accept the premise that yes humans have a biological driven imperative for multiple partners (let's start a separate thread if were going to debate that point), and that marriage is not the most conducive format for maintaining desire for one person (it's hard to get excited about your partner (man or women) while watching them lay on the couch farting and eating cheetoo's - lol), and if fostering emotional intimacy with your partner is the best way to be successful in monogamy, what would be some strategies for fostering intimacy and moving beyond our baser instincts?[/QUOTE]

Well, those are 1 million dollar questions!

For one: Stop farting and don't wipe your cheetos hands on your t-shirt. It's hard to stay in good standing all the time! I'm just saying that its something that's in front of us, an avenue to explore. Yes men are maybe set for failure somehow when you factor-in the COOLIDGE effect.

Fostering emotional intimacy is a job for both partners. It usually takes maturity to understand the need for it and years to develop your relationship with your life partner. The recipe will vary, but high level of trust, genuine support for your SO's projects, genuine feeling that your better half will cover your back...all this adds up.

Life is in the way of emotional intimacy too...working long hours, young kids, stress, financial woes, etc causes tiredness. More chances for arguments. You have to learn being more diplomatic to avoid conflicts and /or minimize damages! Don't bring back your work issues at home..