Eight years into the journey- new chapter

When I signed up on the nofap forums I put the words "new man" in my user name, mainly to remind me of what I was trying to do- become a new, better man. I did not imagine that I could become one in such a short period of time.

I had struggled off and on with PMO for over a decade. I was lonely, I felt worthless, and I had almost lost hope. Every time I made progress, life would kick me back down and beat me again. Alcoholic father, major health scares, separation of my parents, death of my father, mother's drug addictions, family hatred, more health problems...
I never got a break it seemed. I had spent two years in therapy to deal with shame and anxiety, only to have my therapist close her practice to take another position at a hospital- this just as I was actually beginning to trust her. Another person who I could not count on. No one cared about me, and the PMO completely overtook my life.

When I found nofap 2 years ago I immediately signed up and made 45 days. Then failed. And failed again. And again. I tried everything- content blockers, limiting my computer time, and all sorts of other controls and distractions with little success. I do not know what made me finally just say no more, but whatever it was a few months ago, I was ready. I was not going to grow old wasting my life jerking off (I am 35). My life was still salvageable, and I wanted to live and be fulfilled.

One big motivator has been that a week after I started this last streak I rekindled a relationship with a girl I met several years ago. She lives 1200 miles away. At first we talked once a week on the phone, then texted more often, then the face timing started. It has been unbelievable the things we have in common and the shared way we see the world. We are now in a serious committed relationship, and I am going to see her in a couple days. We talk about everything. We both have baggage and we are both okay with it. I dare say that her life has been harder than mine and that she still has some things that she will have to heal from. We will have hard times, no doubt, but she is my best friend and we are in it together. Having gone through what I have gives me the confidence that I can make it through whatever life may throw our way. Good or bad, we seem to be growing together and closer everyday. It is a huge departure from the fake intimacy that porn offers. Get in a real relationship if you want to. It is imminently more rewarding than PMO. Even if for some reason this relationship fails, I now know what a healthy relationship is and can search another one out. Never would have happened if I had not stopped watching porn.

I no longer have the desire to fap. Occasionally I will want to look at pictures or videos of women dancing seductively or scantily clad, but I am learning not to give in to those urges. I don't fantasize anymore. I am in the present. For some reason if it is not with a real woman in a real relationship I just am not interested. My gf and I are both virgins and will stay that way until we are married (if that happens, which it is looking more likely all the time). I am thankful that I am developing self control now before I sleep with a woman. I don't even want to think about how my brain would react or how my partner would feel if I was PMO'ing all the time and then started having sex (especially after reading the experiences in the "Relationships" sub-forum).

I will also say that, now that I am not burying emotions with PMO, I am on a bit of a roller coaster of feelings. I feel incredibly happy at times and then other times I just cry (for many reasons- myself, my family, my gf). I am facing my issues and demons head on, which is uncomfortable at times, but very rewarding. I tell my gf what is going on in my head. She loves me for letting her in and she is proud of who I am in spite of my past. In fact, she cares about me more because of my victories. This is living. I would rather deal with this then be numb. Besides, I am leveling off more each week anyways, so I doubt I stay like this. Most importantly, I realize that my baggage is MINE. No one can carry it for me. But I am strong enough to do it. I prove that to myself everyday now.

I look people in the eye. I say what I think. Women have been hitting on me left and right. People respect me. My business is thriving. My incredibly beautiful girlfriend is crazy about me. I feel like a man. I have a clean conscience. I am real. I watch less TV and spend less time on the internet. I quit social networking cold turkey. I am outside more. I am healthier. Even though I am scared to death about the future and relationships and even my own success, I have the strength to sweat it out and let myself be rewarded and happy. It's new. It's addictive.

If you need any motivation to quit PMO, take my case as such. Less than 3 months and my life is already more than I dreamed it could be.
I feel like the sky is the limit because really, it is.

Update 3/31/16: I have reset 3 times in the past week. It seems like I am self-destructing just when I started to feel like I was really winning. I have done this before. Self-esteem issues- like I don't deserve to be happy so I act out. This battle is a tough one. It takes long term commitment. It takes self awareness and self discipline. I need to clear my head and get back at it. What I wrote above was real. Going to go get that back.

 

Update...
Reset today. After a weekend with my gf (no sex), the stress and drain of traveling, and my ongoing fight against my inner demons, I caved this morning. Feeling overwhelmed with relationship/ commitment fears. P/subs on youtube, a little edging, then out of nowhere O.

I hate that I did not make 90 days, but as my journey is a long one with no end planned, I view this is as a minor bump. I'm not crushed, and I am not going to binge or even look at P. I actually feel a little relieved that I know I am not perfect. Takes a little of the pressure off. Now I can focus on the process and stop worrying so much about my counter.

Everything I wrote in the first post is absolutely true. We just have to keep fighting.

 

@Landomike

I'm doing fine, bro. It's okay.
I will say that your post was a bit more graphic than I cared for. LOL
Keep it up. It gets easier the longer you hang tough.