I lost it. Hit a new low and need help cause I love my wife - triggers

Thanks for sharing such a personal story with us. Check out Gary Wilson's videos and lectures from yourbrainonporn as he discusses exactly this kind of deviation of sexual tastes and attributes it directly to P usage. If I remember, his theory (which seems to be well supported by the evidence on this forum) is that that your brain becomes desensitised to vanilla flavoured porn and goes out seeking new, more extreme forms imagery in order to get the dopamine hit that it requires. Shock and excitement are closely related emotions and shocking images can jack up your dopamine levels. In extreme cases this get quite out of control. Given your situation I would suggest the first action should be to quit P and give your brain time to rewire itself. I think there's a good analogy with food addiction- if you starve yourself eventually absolutely anything will taste amazing.

I would also say don't judge yourself too harshly and be sure to forgive yourself. There are 170,000 on this forum and likely millions more of us out there who are going through similar experiences and finding it all very confusing. Put it down to experience - you may be learning a valuable lesson about porn and the effect it can have on you.

I would recommend checking out the reboot thread on techniques to start your recovery and educate yourself intensely about P addiction. Good luck!

 

You've just taken a very big first step on your (possibly-long) journey. I am confident that -- fueled by your determination to reclaim your life, together with professional help, and the help of the fine people in the NoFap.com community -- you will succeed!

And, if you are indeed a T800, you "absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are..." FREE of this curse!

 

First of all welcome to NoFap. I'm happy that you took your first step to come here and share your story with us. I can understand what you're saying, I used to watch soft core porn but then after some time I was used to watch degrading porn. I remember after watching them, I think about what I have done. I think about how my personality is different from it. I'm far better than that and I know it, but I get attracted to those kind of things and I also think that this is the effect of porn. I hope that you will recover from this.

 

Thanks for posting this as it does help out others that might be in a very similar situation, but are too ashamed to post.

Sounds like your having a rough time of it but we are all here to help each other out with this. Keep posting and sharing, I'm following this thread now.

 

Welcome @T800Endoskeleton to NoFap, and congrats on taking the first step to recovery by acknowledging you have a problem with PMO. I have only recently joined this community and have just celebrated 2 weeks of being PMO free.

As someone has already said, there are thousands of members on this site and, if you read their stories, you'll soon discover that almost everyone has something shameful that they have done which they associate with their PMO addiction. Many of us have engaged in behaviour that we never thought would be possible, crossed lines we thought were way out of reach, and become someone that is far removed from who we want to be or even what other people might think we are like in our 'normal' lives.

One of things I discovered upon starting this journey is that the shame and guilt I feel about my actions is an incredibly powerful motivator for changing my behaviour. My advice to you is to own what you did, feel shitty about it, but don't forget it. You can't change what you did, so use that memory as a reminder of the person you don't want to be.

The other thing I would suggest is to install porn blockers on your computers and devices and permanently delete any saved porn or porn accounts. Do it now while you are feeling terrible, it makes it that much easier. I have found it useful to have simply removed the temptation - and you will be tempted over the days and weeks to come.

Good luck, I wish you all the best for your recovery. If anyone had said to me at the beginning of this month that I would have gone this long without PMO I would have laughed in their face. But it gets easier over time and I feel so much better for having made the decision to change.

RB

 

Fighting PMO Terminator-style: "You can't be bargained with. You can't be reasoned with. You don't feel pity, or remorse, or fear! And you absolutely WILL NOT STOP -- EVER! -- until your porn-addiction is DEAD!!!"


Meaning, that: "you'll be back" (to "normal")!


BTW: in addition to being a big Terminator fan myself, I also love LOTR and everything Tolkien. You might want to check out this.

 

Well done on being so open and honest here. You have made a great first step towards changing. It will be a bumpy road, but one that you'll need to walk.

I wish you all the best.

 

Sounds like you had a very bad night. You've recognized that you hit a new low. When we realize we've sunk further than we ever sunk before it can have an awakening effect on us. Our rock-bottom moment can help us to change. It gives us motivation to never, ever reach that point again. Our porn addictions takes us to weird places. As our problems escalate, we end up looking, acting, and behaving in ways we never thought possible. And it makes us feel dirty and disgusting.

Remember a few things. 1. We are NOT our addiction. Recovery may occupy our every thought right now, but that is not all we are. 2. Our escalation is NOT who we are. Who we are at our worst is not our real self... it's a twisted and perverted version of who we are. 3. Recovery IS possible. Trust that the process works. Abstain from porn at all costs. Control your thoughts and urges. And time will start restoring you to normal.

It wouldn't hurt to see a therapist. You need to talk to someone about your guilt and shame. Keeping all these emotions inside is going to eat you up. You are going to need someone to vent and someone to give you feedback. A good therapist will also give you homework so that you can always be working on something and feel a sense of accomplishment once you achieve some milestones.

 

Please in the title warn of triggers

 

Fantasizing about your fetish is still feeding the brain with dopamine, just like porn does...so it doesn't have to be porn. anything that can get you your dopamine fix is part of your addiction. The goal is to be aroused only in the bedroom, especially if you are married or are in a steady relationship.

 

Congrats on 4 days. Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is the first few steps. Being porn free is a good start but you have to be fetish free too. I agree with @Ikindaknew. You are still feeding your brain what it craves. Thinking, viewing, and fantasizing without acting upon your urges is the equivalent of torturing yourself. It will eventually lead to a relapse. What you are doing is abstinence, not true recovery. Distracting yourself with other activities is very good in the beginning. But eventually you are going to want to replace your old habits with new hobbies and interests that are highly satisfying, or you will long for your old life and eventually return to it.

It's good to see you and your wife getting along. What is keeping you apart? Are you working abroad? Part of your recovery will involve getting her involved. Keeping her in the dark is not a healthy part of your relationship. I understand the desire to show some progress before getting her involved. But a healthy relationship cannot have secrets this big. Having someone to share your successes with will draw you closer together. I leave it to you to decide when that is, but it is something that must be done eventually if you want to be completely recovered.

 

Well said! I'm struggling with this a little at the moment - plan to tackle it head on now, no fantasising!

 

Yup. That's the best way to re-wire the brain-penis combo towards the real sex activity.
It was real important for me, as I had developed Porn-Induced Erectile Disfunction (PIED). I couldn't keep up an E during preliminaries, etc. Even during PIV, I was struggling to become very hard. Watching porn during sex was not an option (and should never be BTW), so I had to re-wire to get back to normal.

 

The feelings you are going through is definitely a physical withdrawal. The racing heartbeat, the flushes of arousal, the flashbacks, and urges are all part of what you are experiencing. It's normal and the first step towards your recovery.

After a few weeks those feelings will diminish, but you will also feel an emotional withdrawal. We start using porn because it was fun and enjoyable. As we become addicted we used it to feel better anytime we feel bad. We use PMO to medicate ourselves. Without our 'medicine' we have to face whatever underlying feelings are lurking below the surface.... depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, etc. You will have to address those feelings in healthier ways and learn to cope with life's anxieties without porn. That will be part of the rewiring process.

During these phases your brain will do anything to get it's fix. At the store it sounds like you had a COMPULSION to act out. You recognized it and got out of a dangerous situation. That is your WILLPOWER getting stronger. It's normal in the beginning to continue to feel urges, compulsions, impulses, and obsessive thoughts. Take pride in the fact that you overcame it! Your recovery is going to be a long series of victories like these. Trust us... it will take time but you will not always have these desires. As you starve this addiction your brain will return to normal.

During this process you will need to be hyper-aware of your thoughts and behavior. You are in a vulnerable situation because you do not have a real life person to confide in and help you during your periods of weakness. Be social with other guys. Put yourself in public situations where you can't get into trouble. Exercise. Bad things happen when we're alone with the computer. And again, think about seeing a therapist if you feel like this is all too much to handle.

 

If your wife is living in a different country, you are dealing with difficulties that most others don't. Being away from the loved one during extensive amounts of time is tricky.
Your love and self-control will dictate the way ahead.
If you love her and want to stay with her, reaching FLATLINE would be a godsend to you. Totally wipe out that brain.

 

Read my post success stories boyfriend 8 weeks no PMO. He did shit like you did. Luckily he never met anyone. He's fairly certain he would of had he not stopped.