FEELING REBOOTED ON DAY 258!!!

I've been gone for quite a while, but i wanted to pop in to report on this. So today is day 258, and I've been well under control for a long, long time. There's been one nocturnal emission in that time, and some times I've lingered too long on photos on Instagram, or something. Those lingerances were a matter of a few minutes, then catching myself, giving my head a shake, and getting back to real life. I also haven't had one in a long, long time. Certainly not in 2016.

For months I've had control of my urges; whenever one comes up, I've been perfectly able of:

(1) recognising it as an impulse from/driving a need to Fap, rather than arousal and desire that may lead to a want to Fap. The key difference is knowing the difference between a want and a need.
(2) Taking control, and dismissing the impulse. I could do this strictly mentally, which was progress from needing distraction or whatever to get rid of it, or from riding it out painfully like in the beginning. So this was really huge progress and I wondered "is this what normal feels like? Is this how most guys experience and process arousal?" It was, after all, distinctly a decision I was capable of making to ignore the impulse. Of course there were those other times that I didn't really have to decide not to give in, but rather it kind of just wasn't a thing. I was really happy with the progress of recognising the difference between those two, but I wondered whether it was a difference of kind, or just a difference of degree. That is, I wondered if the ones that required active cognitive dismissal were just higher levels of arousal, totally normal experiences, and my new ability to dismiss them something most guys just have always been able to do. Or, were they not simply stronger desires, but actually a different kind of neurological event? Was I rebooted at long last, or just coping extremely well?

Well, they were different neurological events. I know this, because I just experienced normal sexual excitement and arousal! I was getting changed, getting ready to take a shower after work. As I was undressing and putting clothes away, I ended up dressed in a particular state I happen to find sexy and exciting. It gave me some thoughts about sex, and sexy games/play. I enjoyed the thoughts, and they didn't feel invasive or powerful. They were just like any other daydream. They weren't compelling me to act on them. So I entertained them, and let the chain of thought unfold. It continued to be just as it started: a sort of daydream that happened to be sexual. It meandered from one thing to another, so a few different sexual ideas. I had started journalling about it at this point, so I was recording these ideas to some extent.

I could have had a fap. I was definitely able to, on this daydream/fantasy alone. It would have felt good; I knew it would have. I thought about other things I might do that would give sexual pleasure. I could have done any one, or any combination of these things, if I choose to. I could remain dressed in the state that I was finding arousing and exciting, or change. I felt I was totally free to get dressed that way again, after I shower, and still be in this exact state of being wholly able to choose what I did next, at any given moment.

Here is the difference: I knew I could choose TO DO any one of these things. I didn't have to choose NOT TO DO any of them. The default action was no action. Up until now, the default was to indulge the sexual urge; I had to CHOOSE NOT TO follow the impulse. Now, I would have had to CHOOSE TO indulge my sexual feelings. And they were feelings, not urges or impulses. I'm beaming, guys. This is wonderful! I'm choosing to shower and not indulge further, because I know this could potentially be a trick of the brain to make me think I'm consciously choosing, when I'm actually not. I'm going to continue to exercise this freedom, for a while yet, by not choosing to act on the feelings. But I did indulge them for a bit today, without their turning from feelings to urges/needs/compulsions.

Guys, I think my reboot is finally here. Probably need to install some updates before it's a totally clean restart

So I'm having a good day.

 

Thank you. The sad part is that I think I didn't know what normal was, because I today was the first time I've ever experienced it. I'm 34, married (though that's hanging by a thread) and this might have been the first normal sexual feeling I've ever had.

 

Btw, loving the Churchill quote in your sig. I use those to get me through, as well

 

This made my day. I'm glad I helped you!

As an update, I'm now get a mixture of the two types of thoughts/urges/whatever. That is, sometimes action is the default response and has to be suppressed, and other times inaction is the default and no suppression is necessary. Now that I understand the difference, I can identify which kind it is every time. I've had both today, as a matter of fact. The ones that need resisting aren't any more difficult. They've been easy to resist for quite some time now - just a simple matter of saying "no I don't want to do that." But I'm also getting a gradually increasing number of ones that don't require saying no; they need an active "yes."

Until this happened less than a week ago, I was thinking that easily resisting/suppressing thoughts and urges was normal, and I had got to the end. I was kind of thinking "is that it?" Don't get me wrong, it's INFINITELY better to have easy-to-control impulses, than sometimes uncontrollable ones. But it did worry me, because I figured they could always get stronger again, under the right circumstances. But once I experienced sexual thoughts and feelings that weren't accompanied by an impulse at all, I can see there being an actual END to this somewhere down the road. I'm not there yet, but I can see it now; I know what it looks like. It's still liberating every time it happens. I'm going to enjoy that while it lasts. I'm also really looking forward to the day it's no longer exciting. Funny enough, it will be exciting to notice that, because that will mean I made it.

 

It was a long time, but it got easy. First it just gradually became easier and easier to fight it. The difficulty level of fighting the urges went in roughly this order (your experience may differ):

Tilting at windmills
The S.O.E. sabotage of the Nazi Heavy Water Plant in Norway (Look it up; it's awesome!)
Playing the holophoner
Escaping over the Berlin Wall
Boxing Muhammed Ali
Getting a PhD in something you care about
Bathing a cat
Getting a PhD in something you don't care about at all
Going into the corner with Gordie Howe
Pretending to like family members/their spouses at a holiday gathering
Listening to your neighbour's kid play piano because "he's so talented!"
Cleaning the bathroom twice in the same week!
Reading Dickens/Steinbeck
Keeping your mouth shut when two strangers are talking about a politician you hate.
Cleaning the bathroom twice in the same week.
Listening to everyone at work talk about a show you can't stand
Bathing a dog.
Remembering the thing you were supposed to pick up on the way home.
Choosing an apple over a chocolate bar because, come on, it's 10:30 in the morning.
Getting up to go to the bathroom even though the couch is REALLY comfortable.
Squishing an ant.

But after this change it's more like:
Feeling a little bit hungry, and deciding if you want to get up and make a snack, or
Noticing you have a quarter tank of gas left, and deciding whether to stop now, or on the way home, or
Hearing a mildly inappropriate/offensive comment and deciding if you should say something, or
Seeing a trailer for a movie and figuring out if you want to see it in theatres, or wait for Netflix.

 

Guys, it's still getting better! The normal feelings/thoughts are steadily increasing, and the others steadily decreasing. The things that turn me on are going all the way back to normal. The weird or extreme things that I began to need to reach O had already stopped cropping up in my mind, for the most part. Now, though, I can think about those things, that used to give me really strong reactions, and NOTHING. I spent a bit of time tonight thinking about some of that stuff on purpose, to see what it did to me. Nothing, gentlemen. Nothing!

The stuff that turns me on is back to being the stuff that turns me on! Even my kinks are returning to normal; the things that turn me on about them and the way I desire them are back to normal. Back to me. It's been a really rapid ascent.

I don't advertise my religious beliefs in general, but I do have to acknowledge that this is definitely part of the answer to my two consecutive novenas to St. Jude. St. Jude is the Dude.

This bit is the last thing I'll say on the subject. For any that want it, this is the novena prayer, to be said every day for 9 days, 1, 3, 5, 7, or 9 times per day (basically depends how desperate you feel about the petition; I've been doing 9):

O holy St. Jude, apostle and martyr, great in virtue,
Rich in miracle, near kinsman to Jesus Christ,
Faithful intercessor of all who invoked your special patronage in time of need.
To you I have recourse from the depth of my heart,
and humbly beg great power to come to my assistance.
Help me in my present and most urgent petition.
[State your petition here.]
In return I promise to make your name known and cause your name to be invoked.
St. Jude, pray for us and all who invoked thy aid.
Amen.

Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory be (repeat these 3, 5, or 7 times, I've been doing 5)

 

Further update! So I was remembering a bunch of stuff I have done in the past with my wife, and got, well, really horny. Thoughts and images kept coming into my head even though I was trying to think of something else. Within a few minutes I did, but when I was thinking about that stuff/seeing that stuff, and really horny, and had a partial erection, still no urge to act. Default was neutral. AND AND AND...

AAAAAANNND... NO BRAIN FOG! NONE! I was really friggin' horny, like two minutes ago, and I have non need to ejaculate. It used to be that, after something like that, I would HAVE to ejaculate to get my brain back to normal. But my brain never STOPPED being normal. This ... this is unreal. It's amazing.

WOOHOO! hell of a 10 days! (If anyone cares, the first post in this thread was on Day 9 of my first St. Jude novena, and this is Day 9 of the second one).

 

Well, I now know there comes a day when you don't have to nip it in the bud anymore. Eventually, you'll be able to entertain that fantasy, and not have it take over. I did what you're doing now for months, so don't give up.

 

I mean that you'll be able to think about it, and enjoy the fantasy if you want to, without it leading to M or O unless you specifically choose. You'll be able to think about it, without feeling a need to act on it.

 

I don't agree that sexual pleasure is a perversion. There is nothing wrong with fantasies, if they do not lead to a loss of control. What I'm describing is a shift in how my brain works, so that now these thoughts just exist, like a memory of a vacation. They do not have power anymore - not every time anyway. Up until a little more than a week ago, I did need to shut them down immediately, or risk them taking over my entire thought process. Now, though, that's happening less and less, and are being replaced by the safe kinds.

 

The main thing here is that it not just a change in degree. The power of these thoughts is not just getting weaker; it is removed completely. Like memories, they can be vague and weak, or vivid and clear, and either way create no pressure in me to do anything. Desire? Yes. But they are no longer urges. So, they are not just weaker; they are different.