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30 and addicted - My story

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by aka711, Mar 23, 2016.

  1. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    Hello,
    I am 30 and been jerking off to porn since 8.
    I remember the first playboy I found in my dad stuff and I remember the sensation of rubbing it for the first time. I believe we always try to achieve that feeling again.
    Then I grew up with Internet porn, and in my case, growing up as gay man, porn is even a bigger issue because when you are in the closet that's basically all you have. Then I grew up, got out of the closet and started having my first experiences. The problem with me was that at first I can keep a very strong erection, when I kiss a guy I'm instantly rock hard but as sex goes on it keeps going from semi to hard, depending on the stimuli or if I touch it. It kept happening for the 5 years of my last relationship, and I never thought it was a problem I just always thoght that it was my was of having sex. But it started bothering me that I cannot orgasm with oral sex, and that sometimes I take too much time to cum. I've been to a bad breakup of this relationship and After that I stated taking care of my selfsteem and that was when I stared to research about my problem and found this website. I relate with so many cases and so many symptoms. I have been jerking off regularly to porn, cam sites and all, to the point where I would do it 3/4 times a day. It never disturbed my studies or my personal life so badly because I would schedule it to my showers and my time before bed but I realize now that porn and masturbation have changed my brain to that kind of stimuli only and I want to have a more fullfilled sex life. I'm going for 90 days without porn or jerk off but I have dates where I would
    like to see if I can take sex further. Anyone think this is a good way to start?
     
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2016
  2. Awakening123

    Awakening123 Fapstronaut

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    Of course. Give it a try and see it up for yourself. Having said that it's not gonna be easy but with the help of this forum, it will be possible. Good luck!
     
    aka711 likes this.
  3. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    thanks mate! Its really helpful to know people going to the same struggle and to think that 3 days ago I thought I was the only one with this issue. Incredible how modern society and porn can screw us
     
    Awakening123 likes this.
  4. dragonaire

    dragonaire Fapstronaut

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    aka711 likes this.
  5. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    man, thank you
    today I woke up with this huge urge but your message was the first thing I read so it calmed me down.
    We must fight and regain the power of our own life.
    Wish u all the best
     
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  6. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    Im on DAY 6 and since yesterday I can feel my anxiety to grow. I kissed this guy Im dating and I got instantly hard but we never made it to sex or foreplay, I was on the mood but he was not. Then he didn't text me after the date so my anxiety grew, of course I have to deal with rejection because it's not gonna be the first nor the last but dealing with my addiction together in the mix makes its harder. well, that's life, I must overcome it to become a better person and I will. Another thing happened, today I opened my Skype account where I used to M W/cam. My intention was to take 2-3 people
    that I care from there and tell them about my addiction and move them to a safe work account to be normal friends and to delete the dirty one but one guy has sent me a nude picture when I was offline and it opened almost instantly when I opened the programme and honestly I took a really good look at it before I close it all. I did not got hard not touched myself. I could feel the rush running through my body and penis increasing tough even if I didn't got hard. Does it count a relapse ? I don't feel like the urge to M now but I would like to delete the account to be safe but if I open it I'm affraid of feeling tempted to take a glimpse again.
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2016
  7. Awakening123

    Awakening123 Fapstronaut

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    It doesn't but stay away from all that.
     
  8. dragonaire

    dragonaire Fapstronaut

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    He may only have dated u looking for a relationship... When he knew u were after sex he may backed off... Just chill out

    Its not a relapse, but honestly, the same thing happened to me during my first long streak and puff!... relapsed. So, be aware
     
  9. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    Day 7 - Its hard to deal with rejection and quitting PMO. I realised there is so much more subtext for why I used to do it. Not only to kill time but also when in my case I was felling just a little sad. Understanding those feelings might help me heal in a deeper way and it makes me wanna persue my track.
     
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  10. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    Day 0 :(
    supposed to be day 8
    i was cancelling Skype accounts i used to cam with others and some guy i know for years messaged me
    i started talking about the NOFAP program and first it was supposed to come out to him about my addiction but conversation got twisted and i relapsed
    deleted the account now
    gotta be strong and know what we can do on each stage
    i was not ready to go there yet..i should have waited until i was stronger
     
  11. Awakening123

    Awakening123 Fapstronaut

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    Learn from this relapse and get back up ASAP. Don't let this slip become binge. It's all about trying again and again. Good luck!
     
  12. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    Day 2, feeling confident.
    I woke up with a morning wood and I guess that's a good sign.
    not fapping makes us observe better our bodies instead of just reacting to it.
     
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  13. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    Day 0 - relapsed again.
    I was looking for answers to a medical question and stumbled upon a medical related forum with men erection issues. from there to sexting to a guy was a small jump.
    Then the morning after I PMO.
    I want to understand why I have this fixation with straight guys and transforming non sexual situations into a sexual one. I need that to avoid future relapses. I'm starting to doubt my capacity to overcome this addiction
     
  14. Awakening123

    Awakening123 Fapstronaut

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    Be aware of your mind while using comp. Don't go to sites that are potential triggers.
     
  15. dragonaire

    dragonaire Fapstronaut

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    Bro, never doubt ur capacity to overcome ur addiction... Make it a lifestyle... U have to teach ur brain to avoid relating some things to dopamine. And that takes time
     
    aka711 likes this.
  16. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    Day 2
    busy busy busy
    that helps a lot!!!!
    learning to live with my flaws without relapsing. gotta train the brain like a puppy
     
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  17. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    I relapsed on day 4
    being hangovered and the fact that it was Sunday ( a day where I usually stay home to rest) did not help.
    Back to 1 - will be better this time
     
  18. dragonaire

    dragonaire Fapstronaut

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    Bro... what's important is that every time u fall u have the bravery to stand up again
     
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  19. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    we are on this together mate! we can do it..thanks for the cheer
     
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  20. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    day 3 - yesterday was a great day.
    I took advantage that it was a Monday so I made a list of tasks that I needed done, work stuff, things that's been sitting on for a long time ( change a lamp, clean drawers, donate old stuff..etc) I also got back to my gym goals ( last week I ran only 3 times and my goal is 5 times a week)
    I believe that to stop procrasting is a huge help. I read many people saying that it was a noFap result but I also believe it's a circle, you start doing things and don't have time nor the "down" energy to fap anymore.
    stay busy,complete tasks, talk to fellows to make the objective clear and strong. that's what I will do
     

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