Lost my wife to porn

As a wife, I can say, if you had lost her already, she would be gone. You would be out. She wouldn't be calling, she wouldn't be helping, she would say "good riddance, I'm done with this crap," and she would move on. You haven't lost her if she's still in your life. Its easier to run away and give up and not have to deal with that stuff anymore. If she's still in this with you, it's for a reason, and the reason is that she loves you and deep down, even if she doesn't feel it right now, she wants this to work. If she didnt, she wouldn't go through the effort of trying when giving up is far easier. There's always a chance, and if you get serious about this and change, I believe you two can find happiness together again. It could even make your relationship stronger.

 

I'm sorry to hear how your addiction has led you lose almost everything. Although you think you lost your wife, you can still fight to get better. Until she says you're done, then there's hope.

As addicts, we use porn to alter our moods or to control our emotions. We chase that elusive feeling of happiness when we PMO. If we do it long enough it becomes our 'go to' source of comfort. We use it so much that we form a relationship with it. And it slowly replaces all the real world relationships we have. Our feelings of shame and guilt isolates us from others and foolishly makes us think we can get better on our own. This addiction is too strong for one person to fight on their own.

From your post I can see that you had a nice streak of 33 days, but then you relapsed. Sounds like you started listening to the little voices in your head that beg you to compromise... to give in... to take a peek... etc. There is a physical side to recovery and a mental one too. Our brains play mind tricks on us. If the same emotional triggers are there then the brain is going to seek comfort in our old addiction. Have you learned what your triggers are? Have you thought about what feelings you're medicating with porn? Are you using it to escape?

You've written how your wife has been involved in your recovery, but has been disappointed by some failed sexual encounters. I think the anger that comes from that is not your sexual performance, but a reminder of her feelings of anger, betrayal, and damaged self-esteem. Our wives will put up with our poor sexual performance if they know we are working on getting better, working on the relationship, and are open and honest about our feelings and theirs. You've acknowledged that you've been neglectful of her needs. Repairing your relationship is just as important as repairing yourself.

When relationships are damaged as badly as ours, we have to go back to the beginning. We have to rebuild the foundations of our relationship. It's almost like we have to date our wives again and treat them like a girlfriend. We have to build and reestablish trust. The same kind of openness and honesty will help you feel reconnected. Don't just talk about your side of recovery, but discovery what your addiction has done to her and how it has made her feel. Then address those feelings. Jumping straight to sex without the emotional foundation has led to failure.

Recovery takes a long time. We have to work on getting better every day. Feel bad, but don't let it make you quit. Use it as motivation to get better. Let us know how thing are going.

 

I find that pornography really messes with our mind. Once we start getting into porn you probably might start to find that a lot of things we see with our eyes become a potential trigger leading to PMO.

Have you considered listing down all possible sources of triggers and eliminating it from your life? Also, night time is when I find we are the most vulnerable so it would be great if your wife would stay together with you at night time to help keep you in line.

Have you considered the hardcore 90 day NO PMO challenge? It really is a no bullcrap no excuse challenge.

You are indeed lucky to have a partner who wants to join the battle with you against porn and stopping PMO.

 

I don't have much to add that wasn't better said already, I just want to say you've come to the right place for help and support and don't give up.
Nom

 

I took some comfort in this. I am on the verge of losing my wife, but trying everything I can (which at the moment is doing nothing, and consulting my therapist and two priests, while deciding what to do next, and when to do it) but this made me think. Her last email, while it said she wants a divorce, there were a couple of things she said that make me think it's not that she wants a divorce, but that she just can't see another way. This encourages me on that front, and now I have to show her that, as our PM likes to say: Better is possible.

 

This is hard to deal with and it just shows in the first post how the odd bit of MO can spiral out into excessive PMO at the expense of a lovely marriage.

How nice to see you are doing something about it. It will take time to heal and the sex might not happen straight away but enjoy the time together, the intimacy, the fun. Sex doesn't just involve penetration you know!

 

@DaveBuznik ,

Any updates on your situation? Journal? Link?