My journal - stories from The Wife of a porn addict

All great news... There is always room to grow and deal with insecurities and mismatched libidos. All that being said. Kudos to you for sticking to your guns and also to your husband for dealing with the issue at hand (pun intended). Him playing with the kids is a big deal as well. Good luck with the job search too.

Keep going forward - best wishes.
HF

 

It's same everywhere I think.its a global phenomenon at this age.so keep trying as everyone gets ,you'll too get it at right time.
Good luck to you and your husband @TheWife .

 

Just checking in, good to see you and Hubby are doing well. Also I smiled when I read about the Dude trying to walk. My nephew is at that stage as well, with quite a few bruises to show for it.

Good luck with your job search, as well!

 

I'm so sorry you're going through all those emotions again when you were doing so well. I know how betrayed you must feel and you know we can all relate to the racing heart and feeling sick. Try to take comfort in the fact that, that is what he did and not what he now does. I really hope you can work through these feelings.

 

Love this! Yup, Trust and Verify, if the relationship calls for it.

 

I have withdrawn from @Strugglesaurus and I's trust bank too many times, I'm not as bad off as your husband, but I might as well be. I am dedicating my life, energy, effort, and time to building and depositing. If you feel he isn't depositing, then he just isn't trying IMO.

I hope to hear better things in the future. I am sorry for the pain we have put you through and hope that you can one day forgive us for the unforgivable.

Much love @TheWife

 

I've been feeling much the same way, @TheWife. Sometimes nothing is going on, but you begin having flashbacks, bad dreams, gut feelings, all of that... and you're just waiting for it all to come crashing down. Waiting for all of their promises and reassurances to turn out to be lies. It is much like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which a lot of partners who are in (or have been in) unfaithful relationships experience. Hopefully we come out of it soon, and that our partners can understand that it takes a lot of time to even begin to feel trust between each other.

 

@TheWife
I am deeply sorry .. You remind me of myself .. fed up , hopeless and disgusted .. Rebuilding the trust takes time however from what I read am I wrong to assume you're not feeling it .. as if you're there with him but you checked out ? Did you ask hubby why he doesn't come to bed ? You have Lil ones and that makes it very difficult Staying as flatmates is not fair to you or the kids because you deserve love and your children although are too young to really understand now would want mommy to be truly happy and you're not happy and don't try to fool yourself into it .. Talk honestly with your husband about everything you feel .. what do you have lose ? See how he responds .. trust your heart .. I can advise but only you can tell if you will be able have trust again for him in the future .. *hugs*

 

Hello The Wife,

Do you think he would be open to erasing those Facebook messages? Or closing his Facebook account? It may not be a trigger for him, but it is still destroying you. It's like keeping a pipe around that he used to get high with. Why would he want to, especially if it hurts you?

I've always heard an addict can't go back to his old environment, because his old environment is what led to the harmful behaviors. And it sounds like the FB messages and his old habit of staying up late is triggering you back to when you first found out. Common for us to trigger back to that moment, especially if he agreed to do something different, and he is not...

Common situation, but more important,
trust destroying and
hope destroying and
life destroying.

I've been there. I wish you weren't going through this now.

 

Hello lovely one,
I am so sorry to read all this, after all the progress and positive things going on, it really doesn't seem fair, does it? It is a funny thing...trust. I am still struggling, big time, though I do feel I have been getting much better lately. However, every now and then we have a bad couple of days when he behaves like a dick and it takes him some time to realise that his behaviour is just not cool at all. That's when I start worrying again, wondering whether it has anything to do with PMOing. We still talk openly about it, of course, and usually in situations like this he admits that he had been having a tough time, which is probably even worse now that he's been so amazing for so long. No relapses yet, but honestly, I don't think you can ever be 100% sure... people relapse after years of being "free".

As to you feeling trapped and worrying about the little ones not growing up with a father (if worst came to worst): it would be much worse for them to grow up with an unhappy mother and an unreliable father who isn't doing his part at saving the relationship. What will they take away from it? I am seeing it from the perspective of a child that grew up without a father and who knows, after meeting her father and trying to have a relationship with him now, that growing up with my mom only was certainly not the worst thing that could have happened! My mother is strong, beautiful, a kick-ass woman and I have learned a lot from her. Yes, I am struggling in relationships....but honestly, that isn't her fault. She always gave me all the love I needed, she was and is caring and wonderful and I am more than sure that you are a superb mom yourself, a wonderful friend and role model to your children. So, whatever decision you will make, it will be the right one because you have a very good head on you and a beautiful heart. I know it sucks you feel you cannot trust in your partner. But you can certainly trust in yourself. And that is a very, very good thing!

I am not sure I can give a lot of advice. I know that having a therapist has helped me survive the last half year or so, and I can only recommend it to anyone who is going through a tough time. I am at the point where I feel I just really don't wanna think about it too much anymore. If he decides to fuck up I will deal with it then. I have my own life to live, we have a life together that we want to built into something awesome and I am going to focus on those things. But hey... my husband has been doing this (and knowing about his porn problem, though maybe not realising till last year that it truly is an addiction) for several years now and I think that has a lot to do with his progress.
It takes time. And energy. And it sucks. In the end, the most important person in your life is yourself and of course your children.

Sending hugs and love and sunshine! Have a blast with the little people!
xxxxx

 

Reading through the responses here, I think
@TheFiancée summed things up perfectly. You're a smart cookie. It's good that you're waiting for the intense emotions to bleed off before making any big decisions. Smart.

I can't believe that after all you've been through that he is back to not even sleeping in the same room with you. It sounds like he hasn't been focusing on rebuilding your relationship. Clearly, just not fapping ISNT ENOUGH. For a marriage to work and both partners to be happy and fulfilled, you can't take your foot off the gas. Our relationships after these discoveries become such fragile things. Like blown glass. All those betrayals are hairline cracks....it takes so very little for the glass to completely shatter. And there is no putting crushed glass back together. Is he completely mentally and emotionally checked out that he can't see that?!?

I'm sorry you are so alone in this relationship. That is the very worst kind of alone. At least when you're single and alone, there is the hope of meeting someone. But being married and alone is a different animal entirely. All your friends and family see your partner and think you're all set. And correcting them can make you feel like a heel....like maybe you're just that type of "complaining" wife....so you end up, for the most part, keeping it to yourself....which just reinforces the loneliness. (((Hugs))))

We've been there. Be strong. You are loved!

 

Yay! I am glad you got some sleep. I hate that insomnia is so common with this relationship issue, so I am glad you had a good night!

 

BTW: i LOVE how you talk about your kids. (so cute!)

Also wish your hubby a happy birthday from us wives who are hoping for the best for him (and you and the kids). 40 is a year when many people break from some major things and begin living a new way--that's what I've seen with many people anyway. So, here's to hoping for something new and better for him in this next phase of life.

 

Glad to hear there've been no relapses yet. I had days like that too, where his old moods would come back and I'd think, "Is he PMOing again?"

I can also relate to, "I don't think you can ever be 100% sure." For me it was like waiting for the other shoe to drop. All. The. Time. (Not sure if it's that constant for you, but for me it was.)

But I am glad you two are still able to talk about it. Many couples aren't.

And it sounds like your therapist is helping you with the trust, and wondering, etc., so I'm sure that will get better for you.

 

Wife, you are awesome! As a man who has wronged, I admire you and the fact your man may be working out his issues w/ you. There is a staff member of NoFap, named Mark Q., he has another site, Sacred Sexuality Project. (SSP). Go there and share videos with your husband who seems to be responding to your efforts to help heal himself w/ you. I think the mutual communication between you two is great! As a team project, make him undergo the Cold Shower Therapy in SSP. It's therapy, not a quick fix for impulses to act-out. It has helped me with long term mind over body issues. I think it would be a "hoot" to tell to strip down Buddy, "your taking a shower, while I watch". You say, "I prepared it just for you, Lover Boy!" The idea is to get him in the cold water environment and encourage him to relax, breath deep, relax in the uncomfortable cold environment. I've done this a month and love the therapy that helps me with Mind over Body. Then, in the real world, when unclean desires kick in, he will know how to relax, take a look at his options, relax, breath deep and make a correct choice. Rebooting requires him to stop all negative media and P. But that habitual waste of time needs to be replaced with good stuff. I bet you are creative to fill his time with good stuff...helping you cook, making him cook. Making him exercise, learn yoga with you, learn massage with each other. Wife, I'm doing this on my own w/ my Brothers in this site. I wish I had the balls to deal with my wife like you are dealing with your man. I honor you. Finally, I understand the your anger. As a guy that really does not get angry much, if you can add any humor into you driving some of his therapy, I think humor could be positive, if he is responding to a clean life with you. Quality time with you and a bit of humor will help him rewire him, so long as he wants to become clean. I realize his wrongs are not funny at all, but your loving approach will allow this guy to heal and become clean, I Pray.

 

The hardest breakups I've had made me the strong person I am today. What does your gut feeling tell you?
Go with that.. Be happy. You deserve it.

 

When? How can you meet your obligations as a moderator @TheWife, when you are never here?