First Post

Needless to say, I am new here, but I have been following this site and the subreddit for a few months now. I am a little hesitant about sharing my problem in the open (even on this website); it's not that I don't think I have a problem--which I know I do--but my first instinct has always been to white-knuckle my issues until they work themselves out. I have been avoiding posting on this site for two reasons: partly, I worry that diving into a community like this will only make my problems worse as if my anxieties were amplified by the echo-chamber of the crowd. And secondly, I worry about anonymity as I air my dirty laundry for the wider world. Indeed, part of porn's pleasure comes from its privacy; curtained off from the public performance of my daily life, it provides one last bastion of selfish and private pleasure. I suppose that is part of NoFap's power...we are not individuals dealing with porn in isolation (combatting our private porn habits with more privacy), but working together as a community (destabilizing porn's embeddedness in the private by making it public). Like many other NoFappers, the public light of this forum is not about sympathy but accountability. I want to be better.

Like many here, I go through good and bad patches. For the first quarter of the year, I stayed clean for almost three months--an almost eight-year record for me. But that progress came crashing down in April, and I have had a hard time getting back. Recently, I confided to my partner about my struggles with pornography. I told her what I have been watching and the shame that I feel. She is one of the best things in my life, and I was afraid that she would not understand, afraid that she would leave me. But she didn't. Rather, she told me she understood, she empathized with me and has been helping me come up with a gameplan. Now, she monitors my internet activity and helps keep me honest.

Despite her love and support, though, I relapsed again today. No matter how many technical (porn-blockers and other software) and social (partner accountability) roadblocks I set for myself, I continue to look and find pornography on the web. I suppose that you could say that up until now, I have been trying to treat my pornography habit by addressing the supply (the internet), but now I understand that I need to address the demand (myself). So, out of respect to my partner (and myself), I have decided to share my story today. I want to be part of this community, share my story, and listen to the triumphs and setbacks of others going through the same problems.

I have spent a surprising amount of time on this post, but just writing it down has helped me sort through my feelings. Maybe there is something to this.

Thanks for listening.

 

Thanks and I appreciate the encouraging words.