SO's Self Esteem

Tough call. As a woman when my bf was pmoing and our sex life took a major nose dive he would say how sexy I was and how he loved my body, how much he loved me but it was really hard to believe.
His actions spoke louder than his words. If he loved my body how come he was watching porn?
You know why and I know why... Just like you love your wife, but your addiction came first.
When he quit pmoing and his ED was cured it made me very relieved and I gained a lot of my old self confidence back.
I never had issues with my appearence before all this.
I guess show her and tell her how sexy and beautiful she is. When she beats herself up tell her to stop it. If she wants to exercise let her... Ben and Jerry's... Go for it.
Does she believe the porn had nothing to do with her? That is came way before she did? Has she checked out the forums? Talking to others might help her.

 

Don't be condescending...just support her in we diet/exercise choices she makes...just try to be mindful of her sensitivity & keep it neutral cuz u really don't care either way right...I mean ur a guy...it don't matter if she's skinny, athletic, built, thin, curvy, big boobs, big butt, thick legs, chubby rolls floppin all over the place, long hair whipping around, short hair all messed up, dark skin, light skin, native, foreign, young, old, cute, ugly...physically u want it all, all at the same time...maybe not to that extreme but I swear men are incapable of being sexually satisfied...its more believable wen ur specific...take time to think about things that make her unique...maybe things she prides herself in like her hair, teeth/smile, voice/singing, eyes, lips, her laugh/sense of humor, hospitality, intelligence &try to be even more specific like how perfectly curly her hair is or straight or wild or we, how infectious her laugh is, how passionately knowledgeable she is about parenting or traditional values or we shes interested in...and don't forget about the way she moves, the way she looks at you, the way she knows you like no one else does...that comfort only she gives you...how at home ur with her...just get real man...don't be afraid to get all emo with her & open up...wen ur vulnerable it makes it easier for us to trust u all ya kno...wen ur vulnerable, ur nonthreatening & it paves the way to build a new relationahip, but first u gota break down...at least that's wut I wud like from my man...he's still in denial...won't even admit he's got probs...but best of luck to u...hope that helps.

 

Man, "It's all anecdotal, but I think these show how our perceptions of fit and healthy are off. You can't tell by looking at a person. It's unfair to arbitrarily call one attractive and the other disgusting," that's so true.

If it's any consolation, that whole subconscious process of "that person is thin or fit looking, so I assume they are healthy, and thus it makes them a more appealing mating candidate for better offspring" is a waaayyy deeply ingrained evolutionary process instinct, which pretty much everyone has, and most people never think about consciously at all. My points being,
1) Yes, I think it's fair to say that it's not entirely accurate
2) Yes, that makes it unfair to be a thing
3) No, it'll probably never change
4) On the bright side, you can throw her a bone and say it's not really her fault or some weakness on her part to fall for that fallacy. She couldn't help having that feeling, and while it's not accurate and definitely undermining, it's normal to feel. It makes it understandable on your part, and gives you a foundation to not let "it bothering her" bother you. Maybe that can be parlayed into empathy and understanding?

I feel like it's funny for me of all people to be telling you this, I deal with this in spades from my wife, ha. Hang in there buddy, you're not alone.

Personally what helps me is thinking more about how I should look at things and what I should do, rather than what she could do or what I should tell her. It's a little narcissistic to say "it's up to me to pull her through", but by the same token, I think women appreciate being lead, to some degree? Of course, trust has to be in there, and that's the whole issue... But more importantly, I have a little more control over what I think, than what she does.

By leading in the sense of not allowing myself to get too frustrated about it, knowing it's all in her head, part of a subconscious process, and trying not to think of it as a self-defeating attitude on her part, I can let her know I don't think she's dumb, it's okay to feel how she feels, reassure her that I chose her among others deliberately and still think I made the right choice, I can plow through and drag her into stability again, based on doubling my strength rather than trying to brace up her weakening strength. When I have the presence of mind to do that, it works for us anyway.

 

If she's doing the right exercises at the right pace, she should feel so damn good that she doesn't care how you look or are doing in comparison.

Whatever the answer is, it cannot be one that justifies not exercising. The benefits of exercise are just too important.

Consider doing Strong Lifts or Startibg Strength with her. There are women-tailored versions. Those are simple, but extremely effective real-deal lifting programs. You can't help but be confident when you know the first thing you did this morning was bench press 150% your body weight 25 times, while the rest of the world slept. You feel like superman, regardless of how you look.

Another thing to remember is that your disparity of body types maybe driving a lot of this. If you're naturally fit, she can have an unconscious resentment to you and maybe is even discouraged about trying to "keep up" with you.

I have a similar situation that is reversed. My wife is naturally fit and gorgeous without any effort at all. I've bounced from being very muscular to flabby our entire relationship. I used to kill myself trying to get my body on par with hers. But it just can't keep up.

Finally, I just said "fuck it." And I decided that I'm going to listen to my body and do what it needs. In that process, I learned my body just isn't made for and doesn't really respond to cardio. I learned it responds very well to weight training. I learned that I can do all I need to do in 45 min. 3x a week. That's it. Before, I used to have 2 hour gym trips.

Help her find what her body responds to and then help her schedule around that. Try heavy lifting. Most women avoid it for fear of bulking up, but that is not going to happen unless hormone supplements are being taken. Heavy lifting is the most time-efficient way to burn fat, and it's extremely good for your brain.

All that said, no clue on how you broach this.

 

Definitely try lifting. Stronglifts or Starting Strength in particular. My bet is it's the one thing she hasn't tried. If her body wants to get muscular, it will. If not, it'll just tighten like most women's bodies. Either way, she'll feel damn good and confident, and it won't leave her overworked like 90 mins. of cardio does. At some point, she just has to take what her body gives her. I can't be lean, but I can be solid.

 

I gained 30 pounds quickly because my thyroid went out of whack, also I find that I have food sensitivities that make me bloat and gain 4-5 ponds in a day or two. That combination makes it extremely difficult to lose weight. It is a horrible feeling when you try everything you can to lose and nothing happens or weight keeps increasing. If she is really worried about her weight, when she vocalizes it to you, suggest she try an allergist, as well as a full physical/blood work up at with her dr. She may find she is carefully watching what she eats but the healthy foods are actually working against her. Please make sure you only bring it up when she is verbalizing her frustration about it. And there may be other birth control options to try instead of the ones that cause her weight gain symptoms.

Her body may also only really respond to certain activities. The best weight reduction really is brisk walking, especially with incline. It helps with water retention and works well on stiff joints (I experience joint problems myself), also swimming is extremely easy on the joints and works the entire body. Extreme exercise can actually work against the body for some. She needs to find what actually works for her, and sometimes that also means not working out as much, since her body may need a longer resting period to gain the benefits that some experience with daily exercise. Experiment with routines to find what works for her. It is so difficult to work out when we have physical issues (I have fibromyalgia and hypothyroidism which both cause major joint and muscle pain, weight gain and other crazy symptoms).

 

Not sure if she is already doing this but she should consider looking for a counsellor to help her deal with her body image (and this addiction). It is a horrible feeling to deal with. And obviously you just want her to be happy. I hope she can find a way to feel happy about herself!

 

Oh, I know what she feels...My heart goes out to her. It's a disaster especially when there is a P addiction on your site- that's dangearous.
Actually what could help, but not 100% sure- tell her you have same insecurities. Tell her you are so afraid she may notice somebody more handsome,smarter,sexier than you. That she means a word to you and you desperately don't ant to lose her. Than she may realise that she her fears are not true, because she will see them on a flip side.

 

Actually workout may help in terms of dealing with pain and depression. It helped me to turn soul pain to phisical one and to feel better.

 

I would add that it's also really important how you are looking at her. To me it's non verbal communication that matters more. When I see that adoration in the eyes that's great!
And I really respect your approach, your willing to help your wife! Sure that's smth to be changed from inside but your concern shows you are a good husband!

 

To be clear, unless you're tracking your caloric intake and weighing your food you aren't eating "everything" and gaining weight... 6'1' and 160 lbs is a beanpole. You can gain weight at 3,000 calories. It WILL happen.

So just like she'll track food to lose weight, you can track it to gain it.

I always let my wife do whatever she wants and I help her in any way I can. If she tries to lose weight I do it with her. If she wants pizza every Friday night, I get some stuffed crust pizza and kill it with her.

I'm just saying don't make excuses if you really want to get on different trains with her to help her feel better about herself since THAT is your goal.

 

Sorry let me share a post that might be more relevant to self esteem that I just shared in another thread.