I realized nofap is impossible for me

I understand your frustration. I have been trying to quit PMO for a year or so. Let me ask you a question, if all it took was one conscious decision to abstain from porn eternally, why is the porn industry expanding everyday? The industry understands how the human brain works. We are curious creatures and we strive for novelty. Porn guarantees you two effects: it offers you a plethora of categories (i.e. novelty) and it offers your brain dopamine release (i.e. "happiness").

Our brains are wired so that we continue to seek out the source of happiness. Hence, porn is like heroine. The more you engage with it, the more overpowering it becomes over you. You asked the following question: "It doesn't matter how bad I tell myself to never fap again after a relapse, after 10 days I am beating the meat once again. Why is that?" Well, your brain is telling you that porn is a healthy source of happiness. Regardless of your cognition and moral stance on porn, your brain has physiologically programmed itself so that it derives most of its pleasure from PMO and very little pleasure from the other aspects of life. When your brain does not receive the hormones offered by viewing porn, it will send you signals (i.e. urges) and beg you to give it the rejuvenation that it craves.

So, although it may have been your decision to watch porn at some point in your life. Your brain eventually became addicted to it; hence, you have to fight yourself in order to succeed on this journey. There have been many posts regarding strategies for success, so I will not bore you with a lengthy list. However, I will tell you that you may rejuvenate your brain without PMO. You need to be strong enough to push through the urges. You may engage in physical exercise, meditation, cold showers, or social interactions with others. Step outside your comfort zone and try an activity that you have always been afraid to do. I believe people continually resort to PMO because there is a void in their life. What is your void? Are you lonely? Are you bored? This is a question that only you can answer for yourself. I personally engaged in PMO out of boredom and loneliness; hence, I make it a habit to avoid sitting around at home all day. If I have an urge, I step out in public because I know I will not masturbate while surrounded by hundreds of strangers.

I would advise you to engage in "hardmode," whereby you abstain from sexually stimulating images, videos, or thoughts. Identify your triggers and avoid exposure to them. If you struggle with consciously controlling your internet access, you may download software (e.g. OpenDNS) that permits you to block specific websites or categories of websites (e.g. porn, nudity, lingerie, etc.).

Good luck and keep us updated regarding your journey.

 

Your username has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You may find it conducive to your recovery from your addiction to change it to something more hopeful. It is not a massive point I am making, just an observation really. Consider it buddy.

I really empathise with you and I understand what you are saying. So, the last few relapses occurred in just under a couple of weeks. Well, some people struggle to get into double figures so it is still a good effort. It means that you can get through the 3/4 days of the chaser effect and the testosterone spike @ 7 days. But, thereafter, you hit the brick wall of temptation.

The problem you speak of - a decision that has to last for the rest of your life - suggests the solution. Stop thinking of your decision in such all or nothing terms. You are saying to yourself that unless you can "decide to never use it again", you have failed. So, break your decision down into manageable chunks - weekly chunks. You seem to get to one week well enough, so set that as your goal. When you earn your green tick, change your goal to 14 days. Your counter will show that you have already achieved 50% of that and you are charged with new energy to repeat what you have just done, and add a second week to your goal. Keep repeating this tried and tested formula for success and be hopeful you can succeed week by week.

I find this the most fascinating aspect of your analysis. I have never seen anyone articulate their challenge this way before. I suppose, most people would say they are the same person from one day to the next. However, you experience something quite different: "you need to be committed to the decision of NoFap, with every identity you are during all those days." Most people would simply coalesce their different mind sets into their one identity. But you feel differently. I am not saying you are wrong, but I wonder if you could elaborate on that. Could you answer the question:- "who am I"?

 

I know what you mean about how difficult it is to NOT do something everyday, as opposed DOING something just once. Take Igy's advice on this. He knows a thing or two about a thing or two. I would add that you should be careful not to try to shirk the blame. I'm not saying you should wallow in your guilt, because that's at least as bad, but you are responsible for your actions. You are yourself all of the time. Just because you are in a different mood does not mean you no longer have control over yourself. Your problem -and my problem too, so don't think I'm looking down on you from a high horse- is that you lack discipline. Motivation is easy for a lot of people. It's easy to make resolutions, get pumped up, committed, but motivation fades. And then you are left with no defense against temptation. To have discipline is to stay committed to a goal even when it doesn't feel worth it at the time. There are many ways of building discipline. Some people use cold showers, running, other exercise, 'fasting' from certain foods and treats, etc. Essentially, you build discipline by denying yourself instant gratification. Try taking on some of these other challenges at the same time as you are doing nofap in order to increase your willpower. It's like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it becomes. The first step is to realize that you ARE in control of yourself, if you want to be.

 

So just my opinion, the goal should not solely focus on abstaining from PMO or even porn for good...thats an exhausting goal that can harm your mindset severly with one relapse...the idea behind NoFap is to keep porn from controlling your life, help you get to be the person you want to be...maybe try to focus on that person and try to get there using an array of processes which include abstaining from PMO.
Get yourself to the mental point where it doesnt control your life. Maybe you never need to make it a year, get to a point where you can indulge once at your choice and shake it off and move on to better things after.
In a similar fashion Ive had friends who lost tons of weight by changing other habits in the life, theyll mostly avoid sweets and unhealthy foods, but every now and then indulge then get back to normal.
Again just my personal opinion and personal goal...I want to fully heal from being an addict where porn doesnt control me, where I can indulge again at my choice and not let it make me relapse into my old addict self. Hope that makes sense.

 

Yep that it is, But the hard part is PMO is a habit, its ingrained into your life, The dopamine is the greatest drugs, and its free. Your just an addict, and all you describe isnt unusual, its normal for every addict out there.
The answer is not to be able to give up PMO on your good day, but to be able to give it up on your worse day ever, when life is hell, you feel like crap.

I went through 40 days of hell but it doesnt last, you soon train your brain to fight it, then not even think about it at all

Dont be so hard on yourself, just try something different, different attitude, different path, something will click. but what your doing isnt the right way for you.

 

I'd hate to start an off topic argument here, so I'll keep this short and civil. The porn industry is so degrading and abusive to the people who work within it, that I can't see how even occasional viewing would be acceptable. Especially since even free porn sites make money off each view from adds. So each time a person watches porn, that person is directly supporting the abusive and exploitative practices of the industry. Just look up the stories of porn stars driven to drug and alcohol addictions, and get injuries and diseases from the scenes they're required to shoot.

 

Fair points...the porn business is terrible in its current state, no reason to defend that, I personally would like to get back to a state of mind where it doesn't control me, morality aside. In the same sense as a non-alcoholic can have a drink and be fine, I don't find drinking morally right or healthy. It has some enjoyable effects, but is also kinda disgusting.
Idk it works for mte a little better to think about it that way, rather than the no-no, never root-of-all-evil, monster you have to be running from the rest of your life.

 

I'm also over a year on NoFap and since never went beyond 30 days porn free. But I don't feel demotivated. Yes, sometimes the reality check shocked me and I thought 'holy shit, are you far in'. But it was this forum that not only made that reality checks possible but also kept me grounded, helped me to stand up again.

@EndlessRollercoaster maybe it helps if you look back to the time before NoFap. How long was it? I was 10 years into porn before I knew anything about my addiction. How often did I watch porn two years before? - I don't know. How often have I tried to stop in that 10 years? - I don't know. I had no knowledge, no Journal, no reality checks and I didn't talk about it. Porn was hell and heaven to me and I was a master in ignoring the place it had in my life.

Education helps.
A big goal, a positive life vision helps, when you can believe in it.
Going day by day, like YT describes it, helps. And I think you yourself know exactly what kind of mindset you need for it. (Quote from another thread)

But I guess you still like to have a positive vision. (Which a Zen Monk doesn't need anymore). Therefor I want to remind you: rewiring the brain means changing it. We know of people that have quit and we know of quitters who have relapsed after a long period of abstinence. So we know how sticky the addiction is. However, when our brain rewires, it changes. It means you don't have to fight for the rest of your life. We don't have to worry about the time after the "reboot". It's only the "reboot" itself that's hard:

 

Everyone can do it ! but there is a way , and some trick who can help
its not only about ''dont make PMO ''

is about understand why PMO is bad , the benefits , positive thinking and sooo much more

i also fail during a lot of time , more than a thousand of fail and i only sucess one time . its normal to fail at the begin . ''fail'' can be helpfull sometime

 

You need professional help brother. You need to talk to someone that will help you understand why you are "addicted" and place you in a position where you can overcome the "addiction". You have to take that leap forward, make a call, research, find a treatment other then yourself.

 

Dude, you're thinking too much of a point in the future where you reach this magical number of days that give you X,Y and Z. You need to stop looking so far ahead and so far behind at your mistakes which by the way were all spaced out with 10 -13 day streaks. What you need to do is handle this moment and this moment only. If you have a moment where you get an urge or your thoughts are starting to dwell on things that arouse you, change the channel, come back to the present moment and pour the energy you were spending starting to think sexual things into something else. Anything else is better than PMO. You are literally draining your bodily life force. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

 

How often are you actually cleaning your room? Are you always waiting until it is filthy? Then it is too late!

If you want a clear room all time, then you must clean it daily.

The same is true for your brain. If you want stability, then incorporate a practise of daily cleaning into your whole life. Daily meditation, daily sports, daily social interaction, daily focussing on your visions.

Try to get a pleasure out of daily routines.
It is exciting to change your whole approach to life.

BTW: My own record is 35 days hard mode. But 2 years later, I feel the enormous benefits and improvements. And it is getting better and better. Relap+ses are short, streaks are longer and better. It is all about holding and keeping these routines.

 

Bro if you think like that your not gonna get anywhere your not gonna get to 90 days or 500+ days I have been dealing with nofap for 2 years and in that 2 years relapse after relapse months and months I’m day 5 right now I relapsed last week I looked at some pictures but you know what I learned from my mistakes that is that humans are not perfect we’re not gods we’re humans given extraordinary information if you do something that makes you feel guilty don’t reset your clock continue with your streak and you said nofap is impossible that’s not you writing it that’s your mind laughing at you making you write it are you gonna be auto pilot for the rest of your life take matters into your own hand you can’t get no where if you don’t feel guilty or embarrassed or looked at nudes and shit your not gonna get nowhere if you are aiming for being perfect your gonna relapse then your perfectism is lost aim on reaching your next streak your next day

 

As a Christian I have to take up my cross daily and follow the Lord. It's hard for sure, I mess up all the time but I keep at it. I think God understands this and doesn't see me in my current situation but a finished product. It's basically moving from point A to B daily

I Masturbate on Saturday. It makes no sense for me to mentally suffer + give me the best chance of success in my walk with God. Doing it this way, I don't think God has a problem with Jacking off. It's everything else that comes with it, the Lust, Porn etc that makes it a Sin.

 

A couple of practical thoughts:

1) Don't expect that you're going to solve this problem quickly. You spent years, or decades, consuming porn. So, it's going to take a while to unwind all of that.

2) Start off with small steps. For instance, if I were tempted, I would set a timer for 10 minutes, where I promised myself I wouldn't do anything stupid during that time. Then, I would go for a walk, respond to email, read scripture, etc. After 10 minutes, sometimes I did PMO, and other times I didn't. But setting that 10 minute timer slowed me down, and allowed me some victories in this critical battle.

3) Get in with a support group of guys going through the same issue. This isn't a problem you can solve by yourself. As you've experienced, you need more than your will-power. You need to go through this journey with other guys struggling with the same issue.

 

Nothing is impossible in this world, just difficult.

You have to address the roots of why you fap or whatever it is that you want to change. Fapping is most of the time a symptom of a problem.

Address the problem to make the symptoms lessen and go away.

 

You bring to the surface multiple connected issues.
First, I want to remind you that idea of counting days you did not use porn is counter productive. I made long post about it, with game theory references and how human psychology works.
In short NOFAP day counter is similar to following scenario - Lets say you are working and come in to work 9am, your company rewards you for being on time by giving you extra hour wages, so you made it to work before 9am you get extra hour pay. However if you come in after 9am, the moment you do that you loose all of your pay for the entire month.
Or you decide to put dollar in to your pigi-bank every day to save up for something you want, but If you do not put a dollar in there for even one day you burn everything in it and start over - what a wonderful idea, so motivating.
These examples illustrates rather well how poorly benefit vs reward is distributed using standard NoFap counter. This approach is designed to make you fail, unless you are absolutely perfect human being, you are guaranteed to loose.
This is not surprising because counter was conceived by people suffering from addiction, with low self esteem, it is made more to prove they are worthless than to help improve ones life.
It is incredibly binary, you are ether perfect or you are a failure. Noone wins that game, in my whole life I never met perfect people, ever.

If you want to count progress, then count days you were successful at not using porn. It then reflects how far you have gone it then gives you a sense of achievement, you then can measure progress.

People with abuse issues do not keep promises they make to themselves in general, not only porn related. Great example of that is your mess in the room, it takes discipline, self awareness, dedication and self respect to keep the room clean at all times. To put items you use back in their proper place the moment you are done using them. You made those commitments I am sure, but then life goes one and before you know it - your room is a mess and that means you do not have discipline, or self awareness, dedication or respect.
I assure you that your other commitments are done with same level of dedication, late to appointments, going to bed much later than you said you will, not working out when you said you will.
All this points to degraded self image and lack of self respect. Your promise to others is one thing, but personal promises should be considered golden, they have to be respected but do you respect your promises to yourself?

You are unable to keep your room organized at all times, how in the world do you expect to be able to say no to hypnotic effects of pleasure? You are trying to exercise a muscle you do not have, you have to first develop it.

How, well start by being consistent, like I will clean and organize my desk before I go to bed and I will not go to bed until it is clean. Then you force yourself, every night consistently.
I will put things back in their proper place after I am done using them, then you stay true to that not matter how crazy life gets.
Doing things like these will teach you discipline, you will actually start to feel like you are actually a responsible person, who does what he says and can keep commitments.
Then you will have the capacity to take on more demanding challenges, like temptation.

 

I'm not certain everyone has underlying issues that cause this. It might be an overwhelming physiological response. When enough dopamine flows into the nucleus accumbens, the frontal lobe disconnects, and we go into autopilot and do whatever the more primitive parts of the brain want us to do. I'm taking medication to avoid this happening, and it seems to be working.

Is diabetes caused by an underlying psychological issue? Is cancer? Why would a malfunction of the opioid reward system in our brains always be caused by an underlying psychological issue? I suppose it can happen, but it isn't always the case.

 

Ifs funny you bring up diabetes and cancer, because like vast majority of diseases we have no solid understanding how those actually develop. We know what is wrong biologically but we have vegue idea as to the actual mechanism that led to development of the disease. List of "likely contributing factors" is the best cause we identify most of the time.
So your reference to disease is misplaced.

Reward systems can malfunction, just as you are saying, however when you are born you have no idea what is rewarding and what is not with exception of limited wired behaviors.
Majority of your reward system is tuned by learning and experiencing the world. This means people with psychological issues are have developed distorted picture of reality.
Because of significant brain plasticity we know that brain can relearn appropriate responses and re-tune the reward system, however this process needs work.

Yes taking medication may fix behavioral deficiency, making it easier for the individual to exercise willpower or focus, but it should only be done temporarily and in cases where it is very difficult for the person to do the things he/she need to do to correct the issue. Long term use of medication negatively affects the brain and can make things worse of underlying problem is not being addressed.

It is very rare that deficiency is so bad that ongoing constant use of medication is requires for person to feel normal.