I feel unwanted

Hello

I'm a 22 year old virgin boy. I've had 2 girlfriends in the past. I don't really have a social life. I have never been very outgoing (not by choice) and I think that is because I have never felt wanted by others as a friend and I really don't know why. I don't go to clubs, I don't drink and I don't smoke, but I'm friendly, smart, funny, caring, respectful, and I always have the feeling that people feel good around me because they laugh at my jokes and have interesting conversations with me (especially girls). I have a thin body, but not bad looking. I consider myself a very good potential partner. But on the contrary, I am never being asked to join people anywhere to do something and I'm always left out of many of the fun things people do. I don't have good social experience or skills, and I have strong anxiety sometimes, but these don't affect the way I behave so much, because lately I can control it.

I just noticed that people like to hang out with other people who don't respect them so much and sometimes hurt them too. I respect people, try to make them feel good, and always try not to hurt them anyways, but I always end up being left out.

I just miss the small fun activities people usually have like watching a movie with friends, cooking together, playing a board game, going on a trip, etc., activities which I would love to do, but not by myself.

I tried it the other way. Instead of waiting to be invited somewhere, I invited people to do things. But I was mostly refused being given various reasons, or I could clearly see that the person had no interest in doing something with me. I invited a few ex-classmates to my home a few times, whom I've been good friends with, but they keep making stupid jokes about me and always make me feel uncomfortable.

So what do you think the problem is? I'm not going to give up. I'll keep trying to make friends and talk to more and more people, but I just can't figure it out why am I in this situation, really. I want to have a girlfriend very much, but in order to do that I think that I first have to make good friends.

I would like to hear both girls' and boys' opinions!

Thank you,
Spiderboy

 

Thank you for your answers. Do you really think P and M are the ONLY reasons for everything? Even for the fact that I'm in a period when I simply don't know what to do further in my life?

 

Yes. I have been playing music fro 14 years now and I've played with different bands. But it's the same thing: We have a good time at rehearsals and after that I'm not really needed for anything)

You are right. Blaming everything on P and M isn't the right thing to do. I'm absolutely sure about the fact that I'm responsible for this situation, although I don't know why. Maybe it's because of the fact that I don't like partying in clubs, drinking, smoking and because of that I'm seen as childish or immature. I haven't asked people of my age about this, because I believed it would seem a very bad way of making trying to make myself invited somewhere by them. I talked with my parents only, but they don't have any idea why this is happening. I'm friendly, respectful, fun, funny, I make a lot of jokes, I know things, I like adventure, I play music, etc. so I have many attractive things people usually enjoy. But lately I've been asking myself how many of the people are honest about what they like, and how many of them live in a lie only to get some things they want. And I've been noticing that a lot of people are fake. I'm trying not to be. If I like something than I like it. If I don't then I don't. Are there really so few people who think the way I do?

 

First of all, thank you for helping me. It means a lot to have different opinions. And now my reply to what you wrote:


I'm actually very comfortable with myself and with being by myself. I got used to it in the past years.
I do beliebe that my friendship is a privilege. I would like to have myself as a friend. At least I think so (haha). But how do you think people would be more attracted to me if I show them that I don't care what they think about me? I know what you mean, but maybe it works only for relationships when someone is already into you.

My parents don't think I have any blind spots. But I know annoying people who have many friends and are wanted to hang out with.

I also drink sometimes with people (but not excessively) so I'm not against it. I just don't like it when people only want to get drunk. But I never showed disrespect about that. I spent time with people who were smoking in front of me, even getting high. Although I never did those things, I laughed with them and behaved normally.

So I don't know what the problem is. I can feel it that I'm always being seen as childish, although I have a more mature and more logical thinking than the rest of the people I know.

I took part in religious trips with the church, but most of the people there were those who liked getting drunk, doing stupid things, smoking, cursing etc. They were rude, and many of them had bad personalities while playing the good lad role. Unbelievable but true.

So still no solution for my problem

 

I understand what you are saying, but isn't this some kind of a forced friendship? In a real friendship, one does not behave like that with the other, at least that's what I think. I don't like to force myself into other people's lives because if they don't want me, then forcing it would not do anything good. I could still have my best friends from high school, but all the time I spent with them was full of bad feelings because they kept making fun of me for being the way I am. My good parts have never been considered by anybody. The last thing I remember they were making fun of me about was that I didn't sleep with my girlfriend, and that's why I was some kind of a looser.

I don't think I am more awkward that anybody else. I'm open do to things, but not those that I consider harmful, like smoking, drinking etc. Why is this so unattractive?

 

Thank you for your answer. Regarding my girlfriend: we are no longer together. I'm sure we would have slept together by now, but I broke up with her because I felt she wasn't right for me, although we were attracted to each other. I had a great desire to finally sleep with a girl, but I chose not to do it with her. I often regret not doing it, but in the end I think I made the right choice.

I feel good when I'm with people older than me, you're right. But I want to have fun too. I'm not the person who will sit on the beach and read for 4 hours while my friends are having fun. I will go into the water, swim, and have fun too, but only if I'm not being considered inferior just for being myself.

I do not have self-confidence all the time. That's true. But I'm not a negative person. Among the people I know, I am the one who believes in miracles, who sees the world in a brighter way. Everybody is too realistic about it. I feel that other people around me are full of negativity, while trying to show a false positiveness, while I am a positive person who doesn't fit with those who fake positiveness. I like rock, 80s, 90s music (which is full of positive vibes), jazz, classical music, and almost all the people my age prefer melancholichal, psychedelic music.

I really feel comfortable with the way I am, but being surrounded by completely different mentalities makes me feel different, unfit. I see life differently. People seek money and comfort. I seek quality and growth.