32 days hard mode. Fighting HOCD.

I've wanted to write something for a while as I know a lot of people here are working through HOCD. I've been lurking here since I started my reboot and this forum has been a massive source of inspiration for me. I need to write this but I am finding this really difficult to write, even on an anonymous forum. I stumbled upon nofap almost by accident, then YBOP made me realise that a lot of my problems were probably porn related and HOCD (I actually didn't realise you could have HOCD until I read that). Decided to give it a go that day and 32 days later I haven't looked back (I never imagined I could make it this far). My target is 90 days hard mode but I feel like I'll probably need to extend it.

I'm 30 years old. Originally started MO without P, I think I was 12. Been PMOing most days for the past few years but have found my PMO escalating over the past couple of years - I could waste hours and wasn't really even enjoying it. Was watching gay and straight porn for at least 5 years. So many times I wanted to quit but never committed. I don't know how I escalated into gay, I think it was a combination of OCD thoughts that I might be gay and novelty (I'm sure I've always had mild OCD so it feels logical that I would have HOCD as well). I could barely talk to another guy without feeling anxious. I've never experienced attraction to other men or even fantasies but my mind would go into overdrive if a man so much as looked at me.

My benefits since rebooting:

• HOCD so much better already. Feel more comfortable around other men and can have a "normal" conversation with guys now. I actually engage in small talk now (something I used to hate) and I'm much better at banishing the OCD thoughts when they start (which I also do with my non HOCD thoughts). It feeds on anxiety so I find that the trick is not getting anxious when the thoughts arise. That's much easier if I'm not PMOing to gay porn.
• Less lethargic during the day, even though I sleep less.
• I can't believe how much energy I used to waste on PMO. Sometimes I feel like I have so much energy I can't get it out.
• Doing more exercise and seem to have more endurance.
• I've embraced cold showers, which I'm actually starting to look forward to every day.
• I've lost a lot of weight over the last year but it got static. I've somehow managed to lose 4kg weight in the last month (3kg away now from the target I set last year) which is awesome!

In terms of withdrawal it hasn't been too bad. Luckily, I've had no urges for P. I've had some urges to use P subs but most urges have been for MO. Urges seem worse in the morning and before bed.

For anyone else suffering with HOCD, it's miserable and people don't understand it which makes it hard to talk about. It's definitely easier to manage now that I know what it is and I'm not constantly feeding it with PMO, which feeds the anxiety. Sometimes I feel like I'm completely broken but I know it'll get better.

Thanks for reading. Stay strong

 

Thank you everyone. Currently day 39 and the urges have completely gone (think I'm probably flat lining at the moment). I've been doing a lot of reading about OCD and am practising techniques to try and overcome it. Until recently I didn't realize how much anxiety is the driving factor. I've had anxiety problems in the past but I think as my OCD has got worse then OCD hides the anxiety for you. Unfortunately, the more you give it the more it takes and before you know it your compulsions have taken over your life. OCD has a habit of hiding how much you are doing your compulsions and after time you don't even know why you do them. Trying to resist the compulsion brings back anxiety.

For those suffering with OCD, it's a hard battle. It pretends to be your friend but it's really your enemy. The only way to defeat it is to stand up to it and it really doesn't go down without a fight. Without Nofap there is no way that I'd have the strength of character or belief to fight this. I would suggest read as much as you can about how OCD works and start to learn some techniques to overcome it. Be prepared for anxiety as you start to confront the monster, some people even need medication to get over that initial period.

 

Thanks! I've actually read most of those and am practising mindfulness. My OCD is definitely improving but it's really hard. Every day I feel like giving into that nice anxiety free land that OCD built for me but I know that I need to be strong and beat it because I'm tired of my life being ruled by this.

I'm starting to do ERP which is definitely helping but I've realized that it's important to not push the exposure too much or it does trigger a lot of anxiety.

One thing I've realized is that our bodies are really not very good at differentiating anxiety from arousal. Some people can get erections when scared. Anxiety also heightens dopamine responses. Our OCD then attributes any groinal response to arousal when really it could be anxiety.

I do sometimes feel asexual. I've realized though that the underlying fear in HOCD is of not knowing my actual sexuality.

In terms of confidence, it was definitely a problem before. I definitely am starting to feel more confident when talking with other guys (I'm not second guessing whether they're gay, whether they think I'm gay etc... which is one of my OCD compulsions) and am starting to make small talk with guys and girls. I'm feeling more confident in myself as well. OCD has kept my self confidence down for years.

I know that this is a long journey but I'm feeling confident that I'll get through it.

Good luck.

 

Haven't really been counting but I'm on 50 days now.

Haven't really experienced that yet. I'm starting to think about relationships more though.

 

I just had to work it out! I can remember which day I stopped on. I just mean that I haven't been counting every day. It's become part of my lifestyle.

 

I completely get what you're saying.

Definitely read about OCD. I found Brain Lock was really helpful to get an understanding of why our brains do this to us. I still use the Four Steps, particularly when the urge to do compulsions are strong. I have realized that most OCD books focus on washing compulsions which, whilst it's the same disorder, feels less relatable. I read a book called the mindfulness workbook for OCD. That actually has a specific section on HOCD which really helped me come to terms with this. Understanding mindfulness enabled me to start doing ERP which is ultimately what helps to get rid of OCD. If you're working with a therapist then they will do CBT and ERP with you.

 

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060987111/ref=pd_cp_0_1?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=JV0BGYEDN5PT8G0E6P88

https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-...&sr=8-1&keywords=mindfulness+workbook+for+ocd

I don't think I really had "fantasies" but I definitely would sometimes get strange urges when around other guys, not really fantasy but more intrusive thoughts.

 

Thinking more I definitely did used to when MOing. I don't think I was ever part of the fantasy though, I was always an observer.

I feel like I'm making small improvements every day. "This is my OCD" has become my mantra for life (thanks to Brain Lock!) Whenever my anxiety is building or when I know I'll get triggered it really helps.

Thanks Ankur! I'm not planning on stopping. I've never felt so good in my life. Right now I never want to PMO again.