Have you ever been suicidal?

Many years ago yes. Relationship problems fuelled by alcohol lead to depression. Problem was I didn't know what depression was so just felt like I was going crazy and tried to muddle on which made matters worse.

Hope you are ok. Things get much better as you get older and understand mistakes/disappointment.

 

Yes, as a vague thought that never got fully grasped, like how easy an escape to just drive into a tree or fall of a building.

But those thoughts where there because i was unknowingly trying to deal with anxiety and depression.
A friend notice my change over a period of time and talked me into seeking help.

End of the world plan B. Nah im one of the men "who want to see the world burn" id hopefully find a nice spot with a view.

Anyone reading this If your having issues, seeking help doesnt make u less of a man, if anything it takes more to open up.

 

Yes...I have thought and still think about not living...
But then I thought, I'll save that option for only when there is no more hope.
But that is just plan B.
Plan A is much more elaborate and random.

But hopefully I will never need to use either.

 

One thing I've noticed though from having had bad anxiety and depression in my lesser years is that even still now, I don't fear things like most do, I don't get worried over matters of pain and death.
I'm kind of a dead man walking I guess.
I've already accepted whatever age I die. The way I see things is this.
If it happens, then it was meant to happen.
I don't see the point in worrying over prolonging the inevitable...if it's my time, then that's fine.

 

Yeah man thats how i feel about it

 

I've never been suicidal but I've had family members who deal with mental health issues constantly contemplate it. Btw you can PM me anytime if you need someone to talk to.

 

Yes. The comments so far would best be described as suicidal ideation i.e. ideas about suicide. This could take the form of thoughts like: I wish I were dead; I want to go to sleep and never wake up again; I am worn out by life, I've had enough! Statistically, if you are female you are much less likely to kill yourself. But all such comments should be taken seriously. Suicidal intention is, of course more serious: I am going to kill myself; I have put all my affairs in order for my death!

I fight suicidal ideation periodically and I have made four attempts on my life which were either intercepted or prevented by the emergency services (police/medics). I have the physical and mental scars as testimony to this along with a combined psychiatric in-patient hospital stay of one calendar year (comprised of several, separate admissions). I have had some psychodynamic therapy to help address the core issues and schemas that drive my mental health disorders. One of these is the leading mental disorder resulting in suicide i.e. 10% of the patient group will kill themselves. I have managed to stay out of hospital for four years and have made no further attempts to kill myself in that period. Take care everyone: IGY.

 

Not too much. I severed the nerves in my neck so I have some numb areas and other bits where it feels like my fingers are scratching the top of my ear, instead of along my jaw. But that's not of great consequence so I was lucky I guess, lol.

 

In darker moment I have. When the whole world is against me I think I would be better off dead but such thoughts don't last long. I have to believe that things will get better. From experience life is like a rollercoaster - sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad - we have to keep riding it.

 

Yes. I considered committing suicide during a big part of 2011 when I was 19/20. I've also considered it occasionally afterwards, but now I haven't considered it seriously for quite a long time.

I've often felt worthless (still do sometimes) and I feel guilt and shame about some things in my past. My life is quite crappy, I'm involuntarily celibate and I barely have a social life at all, I often doubt that will ever change. When I've been at my lowest points and have been seriously considering suicide, I've thought that the world would be better without me.

But I've never made any suicide attempts. There is one thing that really stops me from committing suicide, my family (parents and siblings). I couldn't do that to them. Deep down I know that they would be sad if I killed myself.

It doesn't matter how crappy my life is or might be, I have to go through it for my family's sake. Because I value them higher than I value myself.

And since I have decided to stay here, on this planet, I have an obligation to make my existence as valuable as possible.

But I'm never having children. I could never become a good, emotionally stable father. And I could never ask my hypothetical children if they want to be born or want to have me as their father. I couldn't force someone into that. Relatives and my parents seem to expect that I will someday have children, but no, that's not happening. My Mom might be sad that I'm not having children, but she'll just have to accept that. I could never do that.

 

Yes, many times when I have depression. I think more guys kill themselves than girls. It seems to me that in exterior us guys seem less emotional, but we actually feel our feelings on a deeper level, while females seem to let go of emotions much easier, i.e. they're emotions seem not so deep and more flexible/changeable. They fall out of love more easily for example.

When I think about suicide, my self-preservation kicks in becoming angry and thinking things like "Why not burn some church as a revenge against God instead?" or something even crazier. Of course, I'm not that kind of person so that's when I snap out of it and I'm like "WTF am I thinking?". Thing is, this is not me really thinking, this is that ugly dog called depression/anxiety (no, I don't hear any voices, but brain chemicals make you think/feel stuff you would never dare to think about when not depressed). So depression is just like a demon that pushes you to think about suicide. Just try to think about killing a kitten as a sacrifice for your unhapyness or burning down a church to snap out of it, that's when my reasons kick in and see how stupid it is.

Success is the greatest revenge I think. I think I'll be a great father actually, despite (or maybe because) my issues. Due to the years of loneliness, I'd gladly create a big and loving family. People who have had many relationships in their teens and 20s might have more experience, but they don't know what lack is, they take their wives/husbands for granted really and don't appreciate them. I think PMO leads to anxiety and depression problems.

 

Unintentionally yes I live in constant danger.

 

I thought about it pretty young, growing up getting completely misdiagnosed and become crippled as a result was pretty shitty. It turned into homicidal thoughts before it went back to suicide in high school and I really started doing research. After that I stopped looking it up but started taking on destructive habits and abandoning academics and extracurricular activities that I was very good at.

The closest I came to committing suicide was about 5 years ago. I had finally spilled the beans to my family about being sexually abused by my college professor for all my undergrad years, and was completely gung-ho about reporting his ass. My mother did her best to try to dissuade me, saying that he had much more professional credibility than me and that it'd be easy for him to snuff me out. I was too young to know she knew the truth, and refused to acknowledge her in any way. She's a very strong willed person, and finally ended an argument one night by saying that I probably liked what happened to me in the most poisonous voice I'd ever heard from her. I already knew that there were other students who were unwilling to support me by also reporting the teacher, despite having complained about his behavior to me before, but I had never expected my own mother to say something like that.

That was pretty much it for me. I feel that I copped out a little bit that night, that maybe I didn't have the balls to move a little sooner. It was a pretty extraordinary half hour.

Everything just felt heavy and silent after she left the room. I sat there and gave up on life. It was 8 pm when I first looked up at the clock. The decision came really easily. By 8:10 I had decided to give myself 30 more min to live. It was a strange sort of daydreaming. I listened to the flux of the generator and the ticking of the clock. I really felt alone, a sort of solitude that brought me unbelievable amounts of peace. I'd like to experience that sort of peace and solitude without the suicidal thoughts now that I think about it.

By 8:35 my little brother had walked out to the living room to check on me. I guess he read my face. He instantly started yelling for our parents and they came out into the living room. This is where I'm sure I copped out, but hey, I always liked sticking to a schedule. I've never threatened suicide or self harm at that point ever. Talk about brotherly connections.

8:40 came and I made a bullrush for the window and 25 story fall that would finally take the constant struggle out of my life. I just about had my whole family beat. Every single fiber of my existence was focused on getting to the window. I had already managed a hand into the windowframe, and only needed to push myself off of my piano to make it there and out.

The fucking piano slid on me. It had floor protectors meant to prevent sliding, and now that I look at it, I'm wondering why they're not there. I fell backwards and they dog piled on top of me. Thus began a long period of tons of treatment and several involuntary commitments to hospitals.

I'm glad I failed/kind of copped out. I'm in a position now where life is looking very very bright for me 5, especially 10 years down the road.

The message that I really hope to offer is to find counseling as soon as the most innocent seeming suicidal thought pops up. The risk of allowing it to build into a self harm complex is completely pointless. Counseling is affordable in many places through many programs. It's better to catch it now than to find yourself in a state where your rational ability to question your decisions will no longer be utilized.

 

Yesss, i have ben, i ben in many times in that i wanted to just kill my self

 

Your story is so heavy man.
Thanks for sharing.

How is your mobility now? Did you recover from the piano damage?

Also you sound like you live in a very populated area. How about taking a drive out to the forests one sunny day with a packed lunch and simply sit amongst the trees...I'm talking wildlands here, minimum 5 miles from civilisation. Hear the birds sing and the wind brushing around the leaves and bask in the fact you are so far away from "the world as we know it today", it will feel other worldly.
You will get a very calm feeling of solitude...trust me bro