Trans and Sissy porn has hijacked my life, is it too late to return?

My name is James, but I have gone by the effeminate form "Jamie" for the past 5+ years. I discovered porn in junior high school, and almost immediately was drawn to transgendered person porn --- I saw it and I was hooked --- totally, fully, and undeniably hooked. I was hooked for two very obvious reasons: that the "girls" were tiny pretty femme boys like me and, also, that real hunky virile men really got into making love to them. Finally, a place for a small, very tiny and petite, brown-skinned and smooth Asian femme-boy like me.

As a boy growing up I was always the smallest, the frailest, and the most timid. Girls didn't find me attractive, but I was so very drawn to them, I found them VERY alluring --- yet I think I found their clothes and hair and styles and flirting-skills to be what I focused on in adolescence.

I was just starting to get interested in girls and sex and all those adolescent questions we have in general when I suddenly found that stunningly captivating transgendered person porn. From the start, I watched it for 8 to 12 hours a day, and it had a massive impact on my grades (lower), homework (rarely done), friendships (alienated), and overall social activity. I stopped growing in my 2nd yr in High School, never taller than 5'0" and never heavier than 108lbs. I never was picked for any sports in gym class. I was alone and alienated.

So there I was: tiny, lightweight, very skinny, lightly brown-skinned, and very effeminate, and I just discovered Trans porn and especially the subset called "ladyboys". I could see I was as pretty and as soft and as smooth as any of the ladyboys online. And there were so MANY of them! It seemed to me that the very natural choice for someone like me --- both my ethnicity and stature --- was to make the obvious choice of being a pretty "lady boy".

All the guys I grew up with actually grew up --- they were tall, they developed muscles and facial hair and deep voices. They were huge --- everyone was bigger than me. The girls were the same, they grew taller than me and larger. There was only one other person --- another Asian girl --- in my entire high school of 4,000 students that was tinier than me. It was awful. I was so alone.

So, here I was in high school, right at the very time I was deciding to go "compete" with way-more masculine guys in the pursuit of girls, I realized with "ladyboy" and transgendered person porn that I could actually compete more successfully --- way way more successfully--- with many of the girls in my High School --- I knew I could. I was quite able as I was tinier, cuter, and I knew I could dress way sexier. All those girls were almost ALL bigger and heavier and I knew I could be a prettier girl --- zero doubts.

So, quietly at home, I shaved every last part of my body and, over time, I grew my hair to about shoulder length --- and I went to school wearing my normally androgynous but now ever-increasingly feminine styles. I started wearing a tiny bit of makeup, and plucked my eyebrows and, after a few months, had both ears and my tongue and naval pierced. One weekend I wore a dress and heels to a club, added a bit of makeup, and BANG --- my love life changed. I had 6 guys hit on me in one night. I was popular for the first time ever. That night I was finally romantically kissed ---- for the first time ever --- by a really hot stud college guy from Rice University. I fell in love.

Back in high school we could opt out of gym class if we did other activities --- so, naturally, i joined the cheerleading squad --- it accepted boys. I also played flute in the band but I went full-time on cheerleading after freshman year.

Then, only months later from my initial discovery of "ladyboy" and transgendered person porn, as I was developing my feminine persona, the next huge shift occurred: As I was relishing and prideful in my tiny-ness, and now discovering my girly-ness, and wondering where it was all going, one night at home alone in my room, I found sissy-hypno --- or maybe sissy-hypno devoured me, I am not sure. But the word SISSY just grabbed me. Was that it? Was I a sissy? It was like crack on my brain. I hadn't yet been with a guy OR a girl intimately yet, and I was still, like so many high school students, questioning my sexuality. Sissy-hypno hit my brain like a nuclear explosion ---- in one night of devouring everything I could find on SISSIFICATION and being a SISSY, it mushroomed and blew away EVERY thought in my head --- from that moment on I could think of NOTHING else other than what sissy-porn preaches, that (1) that I was indeed a feminine, useless as a male, weak, and brainless SISSY, (2) that my DESTINY was to serve a masculine ALPHA MALE, that (3) I was to wear the sexiest clothes and heels and (4) become the prettiest feminine sissy I could be.

Period. That was it. I never looked back. Not once. And, I did all of THAT --- I overachieved massively. While I never got into the forced humiliation portion of the genre, I definitely got into being wth a stronger, more masculine "alpha-male" muscular hunky type of man. I felt so protected in their arms.

I was the cutest sexiest hottest GIRL out there. Life was wonderful. I had more attention from people (virile older hunky MEN, and jealous girls) than I EVER had in my entire life. Being a GIRL was life-changing. I went from unknown to, in certain circles, being THE person to know and flirt with and win over.

I started hormone replacement therapy almost immediately, while still in Sophmore year (illegally, at first, of course), and have not stopped. I now a very curvy (34D-22-34) feminine shape, and I have very feminine attributes and mannerisms.

So here I am over four years later. I have not worn guy clothes in 4+ years (but once). My closet has nothing but feminine clothing and shoes. It has been that way forever now. I rise each day, do hair and makeup and get pretty. I alway wear heels and mini-dresses, as I have always felt that being a sexy and alluring girl is the funnest part of being a girl. I am obsessed with very expensive sexy designer shoes (Louboutin, Zanotti, Casadei, McQueen, DSquared2, etc) and similarly with bags (LV, Gucci, YSL).

I am a total fashion whore. My hair is long and pretty and I wear makeup every day -- the fact is, I slay. I slay the look every day. I am probably prettier and sexier and more stylish than almost every girl any one of you have seen in a month. I work at a MAC Cosmetics store as a full-time make-up artist. I have an older (30 yo) boyfriend that I live with in a very sensual and sexually driven relationship. Since high school I have dated and had sexual relations with men -- only men -- and at that, many dozens of men.

So, as i think about maybe reversing back to a male life, I look in the mirror and I see a very pretty Asian woman. I am hot. To other men, I am extremely attractive and alluring. I cause them to stumble and turn and lust, and I like(d) that.

To me? I am finished with being me --- with me being "Jamie".

OK, I guess THAT is enough background. Without going in the details of WHY, I must say this: I am unhappy as hell. I want to reverse my decisions and be what I was born to be --- a guy. A man. Or at least understand IF I CAN BE a man, or if it is too late for me.

But I do not even KNOW how to BE A MAN. My formative years were hijacked by porn so thoroughly that I have no idea how to get back to start.

I have tried reprogramming. I recently tried buying and wearing boy-clothes (for the first time in years) and then passing as a guy --- sounds odd, huh? Even when I dressed as a guy, trying to act like a guy, people called me "Ma'am" and "girl" and such.

My movements, mannerisms, voice inflections and patterns are all very feminine --- they betray my "act" as a guy.

I have tried to find my way back. I stare at other girls and then my eyes go to their guys and I think about what they'd be like to kiss --- the guy, not the girl. I have tried to watch normal STR8 porn to try to get attracted to real women and their bodies and parts, but all I see are the guys and their hot bodies and big thingies ---- and I get turned on by all that. Not the women. The men.

Maybe I really am trans? Or gay? I know it must seem that way but I feel like I am now so curious about what it is like to be a real man. I do not really know ---- but what I KNOW is that I NEVER HAD A CHANCE to see if I was really a guy --- what is it like to be a MAN? ---- I do not know, as my brain was hijacked into deep, submissive, girly femininity in early adolescence.

My QUESTION: Has anyone else dealt with this, such a deep immersion to this for so long? Has anyone ever returned from this? I will be happy to take anyone's advice.

 

Thank you so much for your reply --- I honestly was not sure if I would be accepted or understood here --- so thank you!! I read your intro and I feel you understand the deep and relentless "pull" that this lifestyle can have, ever-deeper into a warm and delicious pool of sensuality and allure. The attention and popularity to be the "it girl" is addictive, especially knowing that as a guy I would never ever be noticed. Maybe it is a fear of being alone or insignificant --- feelings I had all my life until I became "Jamie". I feel this is the first time I have "surfaced for air" since high school, and now wonder if this is the trajectory my life will take or, if possible and not too late, might I be able to make a change?
I have thought deeply about seeing counseling but wonder how to begin. I feel most will try to validate my choice rather than allow me to explore the choice first. I have talked to a few therapists by phone but feel that is the way they will go. I need to explore the choice, not be conveniently validate it to sooth over my emotional state.
Anyway, thank you for friending me here, and I look forward to further communication.
Jamie

 

Hi DJ, and thank you for your sincere reply. You ask some really simple yet frightening questions, and honestly, I am not sure or I am fearful of the true answers!

I do not think many will accept me back as a man -- most of my friend group sees me as completely feminine, my boyfriend included. As well, I think I am really hooked --- very very hooked and immersed and enveloped --- by being "the pretty girl". You know the type, the one in the club everyone wants to talk with, the one in the mall all the guys turn around to see and watch walk by. I really like the attention. There is an almost-narcissistic-like quality to living this way --- the hair, the flare, the fashion, the allure, and most importantly, the REACTION i get from men and women alike. It is fun to be popular and pretty. I will never fill that space as a man. I think I realized that as a young teen and that is the reason I went this direction.
As a boy i was un-noticed, not popular, unknown, and invisible. I am really not sure I could do that well BUT ---- BUT---- if i had a spouse that loved me as the man I was and we had a good relationship, yes, I think I could do that.

As far as PMO, I do watch porn but can't really orgasm anymore (for years now) like a guy, so the turn-on w porn is very mental. The physical pleasure really in the relationship is more like a female would have, so it is very "different" way I achieve the O part of the equation. Probably not an appropriate or familiar discussion to have on this forum I guess.

They are hard questions. Very hard questions. I need to think about them more.
Thank you so much for reaching out. I really appreciate it.
Jamie

 

Hi Hiraeth,
Thanks for replying to me. To answer your questions:
(1) I am now 22 years old.
(2) I began to take large amounts of Pueraria mirefaca (1000mg/day) with Saw Palmetto (580g/day) almost immediately at age 14, having found how powerful an herbal agent the PM was for transitioning. By 15 I had found Spironolactone online from a store in the Philippines, but then scored (illegally) some in my hometown of Houston. I had Estradiol patches at the same time. So, by age 15 and 16 I was on full self-administered M2F hormone replacement therapy. I was discovered by my parents (I was developing very noticeable lactating-breasts and wide hips and big booty --- we Asians aren't supposed to have big booties!!) and taken off the hormones, but then finally put back on under doctors care and parental consent at age 17.
(3) No I haven't had SRS, yet.
(4) I am not sure if I can --- it is a fantasy dream to live as a man but I have very little context for it.
(5) I am currently a (very good) makeup artist in Houston at MAC Cosmetics. I could continue with that or maybe open a hair salon. I am too petite to consider normal manual labor. I might work at a mens fashion store as well, who knows.

I am pretty far past ever passing as a boy. I have tried, even dressed and acted as a boy, yet people are certain I am a 100% girl. I have a very feminine figure and mannerisms, but I could probably return back to male wth great effort. I would need a breast reduction surgery and my hips are large and waist is tiny, but I assume some weight training and (possible) surgery might assist me returning to a more male figure.

Anyway, THANK YOU so much for taking the time to read my story and dilemma. I appreciate you.
Jamie

 

Thank you. It is helpful to know that some woman do not need the most masculine guys --- I never met a woman that preferred that choice. My girlfriends and I are all attracted to masculine guys, the beefier and taller the better --- but it is very helpful to know that if i return to being a guy, a very unmasculine guy, i might have a chance.
I can't lose my fashion sense, lol, it defines me. Maybe I should become a women shoe designer! All my fav brands are designed by men --- Christian Louboutin, Giuseppe Zanotti, and Cesare Casadei.
My boyfriend will have nothing to do with this conversation. Each time we discuss it (now about 4x) he dismisses me, grabs me or hugs me or kisses me, and he drags me (willingly usually) back into our romantic life together. But I need the time and space to think this through,and that is all just so distracting at the moment.
Anyway thank you for your words of encouragement. James is still inside me somewhere --- he just needs room to think.
xoxo

 

Hi, and thank you for replying.
Yes, I realize I can do that --- I have thought about it quite a bit. What I think I need is, first, a therapist that lets me explore WHY i need this --- either way ---so that I can then PLAN a path to my desired future state. Just as feminine hormones have brought me this far, I feel I could take as many years necessary to get back to being a boy, well, a man, for the first time ever.
I guess because my experience as a young man was so negative, I am really not sure being a man is better than where I am right now. I was lonely and alienated as a guy. As a woman I am the center of everything i choose --- and the power to control men (emotionally) is so comforting, i do not fear them as a woman. As a guy i was scared to death of bigger guys.
Anyway, thank you for the input. This blog really helps me think
jamie xoxo

 

Thank you so very much, Irish Explorer: this may very well be the hardest decision and journey of my life. I appreciate you noticing that I am not a bimbo girl, and as you say, I can get where I need to go step-by-step ---- I did that already once in my life becoming Jamie.
I am getting clearer here that my first step is really to find a good therapist to help me understand my deepest goals --- I am very confused. I like my current life BUT I do not see me aging into middle years as a woman ---- i think that is my biggest fear. DO I REALLY WANT TO BE A GIRL FOREVER? I am so so so not sure.
Thank you for reaching out
jamie xoxo

 

OMG thank you thank you!!! This is such a wonderful note <3
I do not ever recall wanting to BE a girl because, frankly, I never recall really BEING a guy --- my upbringing was almost purposefully androgynous. My parents let me do or be or play with whatever gender(less) thing attracted me.
I recall playing Barbie (don't we all) and doing my nails and hair and make-up at birthday parties when I was like 4 or 5 and thereafter. EVERY Halloween (the perfect transpersons holiday) I was some girl-character, you name it: Beyonce (yes), Bo-Peep (yes), schoolgirl (yes), MeanGirls (yes).
So, for me, when I began to self-identify, I felt like I had a way wider range of choice. I was never worried I would be disowned (sorry you went thru that!) but rather I worried about WHO I really WAS, and what I really wanted.
Like you, I also was PHYSICALLY attracted to men. I wasn't really physically attracted to woman, and, like you my relationships were always platonic. With guys I was always nervous, they were powerful and confident.
I remember in 4th grade thinking of one of my friends as I sat with him, and consciously thinking "OMG he has such a handsome face. His lips look so kissable!". I really had t fight the urge thru grammar school and junior HS to NOT kiss boys. I never had to fight the urge to kiss girls --- ever.
Fast forward to now: I am KINDA sure I MIGHT be in the right spot, being full-time M2F, but I am not 100% sure. The brain-grabbing-pornography-aspect of it all has made me question: IS this MY choice or was I so BRAINWASHED that I didn't know what to think.
I love being treated like a lady. I love kissing my man, and I love making him happy. When I was in my teens I was a total c*ck-crazy person, but I now see what true love should be and I am trying to balance my life for that.
Like you also, I hate my thingie --- maybe because it is so small and not really a man-thingie. I have referred to it as my "clitty", and treated it as such, for almost a decade (yes, that long!). It performs like one --there is literally no length to it (smaller than my thumb when it used to get firm) so the only way is purely as a feminine appendage. (Is this TMI??? I can delete that if Moderator thinks its TMI).
In the midst of all the normal and moral life things going on, I am trying to understand and reconstruct and follow my thought process to where I find myself today. It is introspective, true, but I feel it is a necessity. Maybe I am truly a M2F transgendered woman --- highly likely --- but I need to explore this path and validate it was me that needed to be here, and I am here by full choice, not by my brain getting hijacked.
I think you also experienced what I did too --- that, as a young M2F trying to sort out life --- there are many older fetishist men that push girls like us along down a path for their own pleasure. It happened to me too often. Now I am in a healthy relationship, but just questioning my choices --- which I think is healthy too.

THANK YOU so very much for sharing and reaching out. YOU, my dear lady, ARE AWESOME!!!!
XOXO
Jamie <3

 

You're right, he is very fearful of my thoughts and even my questioning my life and lifestyle. We are very close, we are in love, and I know he wants me to proceed with SRS as soon as possible --- he has offered to pay. That is another thing really stressing me out --- it is why I am trying to figure this all out right now.
FELLOW TEXAN!!! Yeeeehaaaa. The guys from TEXAS are hot!!! XOXO