Watched porn when i was trying to watch religious video

So Im a religious and spiritual person and my friend told me i should go online and watch this new video about god and spirituality.
Normally i have an internet cut off.
I only use internet between 12pm- 8pm
It was 10pm but i really wanted to wetch this video...so i thought id let it slide.

Although for awhile this urge has been nagging at me to relapse and i kept thinking about it.
So before i went to watch the video...i kinda went and googled a sexual question...lol
Reasoning its a scientific question i would like to know..lol... (yeah right..)
I even teied to go online and ask people on a char site this question. (Trying to excite a guy so i can sext or cam)
But then i skipped that idea after about an hour and thought i should just listen to an audio of the question i was thinking about...(erotic audio)
The audio led me to think i should just watch someone do the act (the question i had).so it would be clear and i could really know the answer.
And then i watched porn for a few hours.
(I knew i should just stop because everytime i google a sexual-ish question, I end up losing it but i went and did it anyway)
I also ended racking up a $100 data bill in that few hours.
Add that to my $700 debt i have yet to pay off from my other porn binges. Last year I spent over $4000.00 in overuse of phone data for porn. I thought id have a cheaper year but i am getting a big bill.again.
Argh

I finally watched the video about god and even read thw vible a bit but i felt awful doing it. After i just did all of this I feel like i dont have the right to even seek god out. I fwlt like praying but i just dont think its worth it. I know everyone is going to say god is forgiving...by the grace of god...and all that...but i beleive that when u make a mistake yoy should pray for forgiveness and tey hard not to do it again. But if u keep on doing it over and over sorry just doesnt feel like enough.
And iv been relapsing for the last 15 years
I feel like sorry has become a bit overused. It would be different if i asked for forgivness and than i stopped.

Its like your slapping your friend in the face again and again...soon enough sorry is not enough.

I just dont want to be one of those people who wil pray for forgiveness and then do bad again the same day. Its like if u would spend he whole night drinking and sleeping with prostitutes and then go to church the next morning like everythings ok. Ask for forgiveness but then spend the next night doing the same thing u did before. Its not right. Even god has standards. He is forgiving but he has limits.
And by relapsing again and again like this i feel like that.

Please no religious hate comments i dont need it.

 

I'm not a Christian but, I think that aside for asking god for forgiveness you could also try and forgive yourself. You clearly are ashamed of what you did, but there's that tiny part of you that keeps taking over. That little voice that makes up an excuse to tempt you into porn.

My advice would be, that, you should ignore that voice, that curiosity that leads one thing to another. Being addicted doesn't give us the luxury to discretely browse on explicit material. If we expose ourselves just a bit we might fall down into the pit again.

Just avoid all triggers until you reboot, then you could maybe watch an educational video about sex and not be triggered by it, but if you don't give yourself enough time to heal, to have your brain restored, you'll keep relapsing.

First forgive yourself, then make sure you don't listen to that little voice, and you should be fine.

I'm sure if there's a god up there, this god wouldn't expect anyone down here to be perfect, so it's perfectly fine to make a mistake, just make sure you learn from it.

Take care

 

There is a big difference between saying sorry and repenting. The person who says sorry but doesn't set out to change his ways does not have the Holy Spirit working on them. The person who says sorry and sets out to change his sinful ways, or at least feels truly bad about what they did, does have the Holy Spirit working in them.

Take for instance the parable of the tax collector and the Pharisee. The Pharisee got right up front in the temple and made a show of his repentance and his praise, even though his heart was not burdened because he didn't have the Holy Spirit within him. The tax collector stood far from the altar and begged for forgiveness from God, his heart was so burdened he did not see himself worthy even to be near the alter. The Pharisee was not given forgiveness, but the tax collector was.

The point of all this is to make this point, the only way you can find true healing and forgiveness is to receive the Holy Spirit. He is the one who leads to righteousness. Do you want to know how to receive Him, how to be deemed righteous? It's very simple, believe on Jesus, that He is the Messiah and God the Son, and repent (the way the tax collector did) from your sins. That's it.

From then on, you will be able to feel the Spirit within your heart, guiding you. The more you follow, the stronger His lead becomes. He will teach you right from wrong and he will give you strength to fight. Without Him, I could never be able to fight this battle.

I always thought I was a Christian, until I finally realized the Holy Spirit wasn't in my soul. Once I invited Him and truly repented, only then was my soul healed. I had battled for three years with little progress, and when I was born-again (a few months ago) the fight was far easier. Though I still stumbled, it was far easier to get back up.

I'm going to leave you two resources. I hope you will study them, as they will help teach you in the ways of God;

http://iphc.org/ (you can find a good church, and many good resources here.)

www.biblegateway.com (I prefer the ESV translation, but what's important is you read it.)

God bless, and I hope the fight gets easier. Remember, stay away from triggers, and if you need to justify something, don't do it.

 

If gods forgiveness has no limits then why is there a hell and why did god distroy sodom and Gomorrah, pharaoh and his men, even the isrealites were constantly back and forth being captured by other nations, god allowed it because they were doing bad things. So he does have some limits. I dont understand why no one sees that

 

He would have gladly forgiven them, they just didn't want to be forgiven. Unless you have a Calvinistic understanding of the faith, God doesn't force forgiveness or Salvation on anyone. They freely and happily chose to be outside of His Law and Forgiveness. The reason they were slain was to protect God's people from their evils.

Hell is a place where people who hate or deny God (as in Jesus) go. There are many theories as to what Hell is, some have it more violent than others. The three most "tame" varieties of Hell are;

* Annihilation

* Orthodox (as in the denomination)

* God's presence

I fall under your classic fire and brimstone understanding of Hell because I think it is the most sound, but many others follow one of the above.

Annihilationism is the most tame of the bunch in my opinion. It is the position that souls are destroyed after suffering for their sins in due part. Generally, these people believe that someone who stole a loaf of bread or some other minor thing is going to suffer less than serial killer before being destroyed. They also believe that only those who believe on and follow Jesus will be granted eternal life.

The Orthodox simply believe Hell is a place of never ending depression, because you are totally and permanently separate from God. I have seen versions with and without fire.

I have also seen a theory that states Heaven and Hell are both being in the presence of God. Those who hate or deny Him burn in agony, while those who love and follow Him have eternal peace.

Hell is something we choose, because Salvation is by Faith in Christ. Salvation cannot be earned through good works and avoiding evil, or else we would all go to Hell. Salvation is a free gift we choose to accept or reject.

 

In he bible it says faith without works is dead.
So even if i beleive everything if i dont put anything into action. If i dont stop pmo and live a clean life like i am supposed to. Theres no point. Its dead

 

Yes I haven't heard of god refusing to forgive someone who is truly repentant. But if i keep relapsing and bingeing i cant be truly repentant or sorry if i keep doing it.

 

A lot of people get that the wrong way around. Faith without works is dead indeed, but something that has never lived is also dead. Death is simply the absence of life. You must be sure you have received new life, that means relying fully on God, admitting you are a sinner, and *striving* to do better. Striving is different than doing, but both are working towards a better future and a cleaner life. Striving also leads into doing, like crawling leads into walking.

We all make mistakes in life, and we all have our struggles. Repenting of your sins and truly striving to do better is true repentance, you may slip and slide back into them, but that doesn't mean you are unsaved. Jesus won't abandon you because of weakness. Repent, get up, and try again.

As long as you get back up and fight, the Spirit grows inside of you and gets more influence over you. The same is true for the flesh and the Devil. Even if your fight is weak and your streaks are small, you are still fighting, hence the Spirit is still growing. Even when you fail, you are still doing better than not trying at all, and the Devil and the flesh are losing control over you.

Some people are instantly freed from evil, I have had the pleasure of knowing a man who was instantly freed from cocaine addiction and dealing, and he served Christ and his fellow man until the day he died. We can all walk like this if we simply believe and desire it. Others have to be held by the hand, like the Apostle Peter.

22 Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. 23 And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, 24 but the boat by this time was a long way from the land, beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them. 25 And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. 26 But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear. 27 But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.”

28 And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” 29 He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” 32 And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. 33 And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”


Peter became the man who was crucified upside down for his faith and trust in Jesus. This same man was a man who couldn't trust in what he saw with his own two eyes. He sunk into the waters, just like we do into sin. The remedy? "Lord, save me!" Jesus didn't ignore him or abandon him to drown, he picked him up and simply said "You of little faith, why do you doubt?". Even when we are sinking and drowning in sin, God will still pick us up. Have faith in the saving power of Christ, and you will have the faith to be crucified. All you do is believe He is the Lord and Savior, He does the work.

 

But its not just PMO its sexting, phone sex, cyber sex, going on cam for men in there 50's and doing it at once with 4-6 different guys at once. How am i supposed to feel good about anything that im doing

 

You aren't, because those things are wrong. The whole reason you are here is to help beat this problem, right? The fact that you are even here is evidence that you are working towards stopping this problem, and that the Spirit is calling to you to quit this.

Sin is sin, and although some things are worse than others, they can still be forgiven, just like any other sin. Don't get frustrated and quit because you aren't getting the results you want, I have done that myself. Keep on going until you quit these things. Count the small victories, as they will encourage you until you get the big ones. You've got this, just keep on fighting.

 

This. Right. Here. This is a sign you're improving. You're being brutally honest and it's making you miserable - the pain is unbearable yet... You're still here. You keep coming back. Why do you think that is? Please listen to what your heart tells you over what a supposedly supreme being commands of you. If you're true to yourself, the spiritual/religious connection won't seem a burden or chore.

You've found the resolve for being utterly honest at the peril of your immediate well-being. This is what strong, spirited and positive souls do. It comes with a decaying endurance for self-destructive behaviors. The immediate impulse would have you return to old behaviors.

Invite and let yourself understand what it is you were seeking, the most fundamental reasons, that leads you (and us all) towards using sex and sexuality as a tool for self-sabotage. What were you looking for in it? What did you hope to find in it? What did it give you that you didn't get from anywhere else?

And it is the answers to questions like these... deep self-reflection that will pull you out from the brain-fog. Bitter rationality (our self-hating negativity) following excessive emotional indulgences (our need for connection and love played out thru the tool of sex)... cyclic extremes of nature.

There is a volcanic energy trapped inside you... the chaos of mind, body and spirit in rebellion with its reality... nourish your spirit, respect your body and control your mind... start doing constructive things along with eliminating destructive things, just start... don't overthink. The fight will be easier when you're taking responsibility but choose not to be encumbered by the emotional weight of your actions.

Btw... don't ever feel alone in this struggle. Trust me, there's soooo many with the same and even waay worse struggles pmo, sex and otherwise on this site and on this thread alone. Imagine all those that aren't as brave as you and never even tried to improve themselves. The world is cruel and life even more so... this is an opportunity for us to pull ourselves out of that ditch into a world and life that we know we deserve for ourselves even if we can't possibly feel like we deserve anything but further pain and punishment.

Treat yourself with gentleness, kindness and love... how you'd treat your 5 year old self.

 

I think the scale of the things we did don't matter. It's the moment we decide to stop and start anew.

I wasn't just into PMO either, I also seek escorts whenever I could. I paid a woman who wanted to get her fix for a blowjob. She was married and I didn't care, I just wanted my release, my fix. I also had women in snapchat sending me dirty snaps, and I send them back videos and images of me masturbating. I was sexually engaging many at the same time, sharing my addiction, and it wasn't until I started on nofap, that as time passes the more disgusting and twisted these things I did seem to me. If you allow the change to happen over time you'll become a better person, the real you who's inside and is being blocked away by your past. Don't let your past control your future, and if you fall just get up and keep walking until you get there.

 

Well I know all the camming a fliring and sexting with multiple men at once, I do it alot not because im arroused but alot of it is because i want someone to tell me im worth skmething to them...that they love and care about me, think im beautiful and amazing. Worth the time and energy. I make it a habit of trying ro get men to fall head over heals in loge with me. (Extrememly infatuated) and i succeed. But each time a guy leaves to go do things in his life i feel empty and alone and worthless...so i keep other guys everywhere to keep the constant flow of validation and so i feel loved all the time. One way i get guys hooked on me is by sex. Make them crave to be with me.
I feel like i am a bottomless pit or a monster continually feasting on all these compliments and praise. But no matter how many I love you's i get, or how much validation i receive. Its never enough. I need more and more. Im never satisfied. I still feel like garbage and feel worth nothing.
Im only good for sex.
And with the porn. Im watching guys praise girls for sexual acts. Im seeing and learning what to do to make a guy want to be with me. Even if its superficial.
No man had ever treated me different. I have never had unconditional love from my dad. And no other man has made me feel worth the time or energy.

The only time im worth it is during sex

 

Iv litterally shared my addiction.
Sometimes me and some guys would send eachother our favorite porn.