Watched porn when i was trying to watch religious video

Anytime we do something we do so because we perceive it to be good. Anything we do we think offers us some benefit. The sexual stuff we've all gotten into we think does something good for us. And we are right. Of course the good for us could just be a simple release of tension or a short moment of pleasure. The good for us could be something that we shouldn't do despite the pleasure we find in it. The good of fleeting pleasure could result in a hard crash of shame. We are all experiencing that to varying degrees. Many if not most of us are doing things we couldn't have imagined ourselves doing.

Something that is truly good for us we'll find happiness from. We'll also be content with whatever amount we have. We may desire more, but we'll not desire more because we are unsatisfied with what we got. Anything we do where we feel unsatisfied from doing it and crave more is simply something that is not good for us. It is not something that brings true or actual happiness. It is trying to fulfill a desire the wrong way.

I think your seeking love through sex is very, very common. One reason I got into PMO is because I felt unloved coming from a broken home and traumatic childhood. PMO was trying to fill a void. But it could never fill it. It was a bad attempt at solving my problem. I can stop, that is I believe I can, the PMO, but if I don't work on my whole self I'm not really solving the problem. I'm just stopping a specific set of behaviors.

Loving someone means desiring what is best for them. What is best for us isn't the various degrading activities we've engaged in. We aren't showing love for ourselves and the people who participate or aid us in this aren't showing love for us. They are just using us for their own pleasure. Therefore any pleasure we get in this isn't love. It is a false substitute.

If you are religious then you should believe that God loves you unconditionally. Knowing that isn't magic that automatically fixes you. But it is something you should meditate on. Place it before your mind.

If God loves you unconditionally then you have value just for being. Not a single thing you do makes you valuable. Not a single thing you do makes you not valuable. You just are valuable. So do you love yourself? You should because God loves you. You are valuable and worthy of love. No amount of love from any other person will surpass the love God has for you.

Loving yourself means seeking what is best for you. This means not engaging in activities that aren't good for you. As you start to love yourself you'll probably encounter more people who will truly love you. One thing is certain you won't find those people where you'd engage in degrading activities where you are simply an object to derive pleasure from. Even if you don't find such people you still need to love yourself. Your value isn't based on who loves you.

 

Oh boy I haven't laughed so hard in a while. I loved your opening post. I totally relate to your questions.
Even God has his standards??? That cracked me up. For God will never get tired of forgiving, it is only us who gets tired of asking forgiveness. The mercy of our Lord is endeless.
I hope you can find the answers you seek, you gotta let me know how you doin'.

Best wishes

 

I think I know what is really going on here. Does anyone else know?

 

Lava, I'm very interfaith/spiritual in my approach and not exclusive in believing in one divine revelation only, but what you said rings very true to me in a universal sense, and I love you -- your spiritual essence, that is -- for having said it so sincerely and eloquently! Bravo!

 

As a fellow truly spiritual person with a long-time PMO/casual sex problem, I greatly sympathize with the familiar dilemma of feeling helpless to improve one’s behavior on the one and craving forgiveness on the other hand. PMO is "a bitch."

However, I think that the value of a spiritual is measured in the EFFORT put forth – NOT in the external “achievements” claimed, which is why spirituality is such a deeply personal matter. What is expected of us is do as best we can -- which differs for each of us, depending on our inner & outer resources. In other words, your struggle to overcome past and present sins determines your spiritual worth and it seems to me that you have struggled plenty, even without knowing how to “succeed” in you own eyes. I find that admirable.

I have always trusted that we are not tested beyond our capacity to overcome. Of course, what you and I have done is to wallow in the “Forbidden Fruit,” with obvious consequences for our spiritual well-being. However, the purpose of life is to rise to His standards and we can – with His help anything being possible. And so while there is life we can live up to our spiritual essence and advance towards Him. We know you want to.

So what can you do? You say that the “forgiveness first and redemption later” approach does not feel right. I understand that and the feeling of unworthiness. May I therefore suggest – and have followed this advice myself – that you turn the equation around? Rather than “saying sorry” – which achieves neither healing nor comfort if you use it for self-loathing –work on overcoming your addiction first and foremost. THAT is where your house is burning, after all. God will assist you. Afterwards, after you have done some of the work, I would turn to questions of forgiveness, purpose, service, detachment, progress, self-sacrifice and all the spiritual virtues of heaven. For now, you can pray for praise of God, assistance, world peace or whatever else, but not forgiveness, yet. Concentrate on doing the corrective work rather than half-heartedly saying “sorry” to a God who already understands perfectly well what’s in your heart. My guess is that you’ll find far greater meaning and redemption in any prayers for forgiveness once you get out of the addiction and can better see the road ahead.

Meanwhile, I’ll pray for you, tonight – I promise!

 

We are imperfect people. That is okay. Aim for spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection.

 

Do you know what I mean by this?