Couple sex life troubles...

Hi there all of you!

I wanted to open this thread because it's something that really bothers me, especially while fighting PMO. I'd appreciate to have your thoughts on this or share your experience in a similar situation if you've been through one.

Here is what I wrote about this in my journal log:

This morning I woke up grouchy again. I want my sexual relief! I really want it!

Maybe my problem is that i think too much about that. I think too much about how I want to have sex with my girlfriend. Especially this week, as I am home alone all the time and I am fighting this stupid addiction.

I am wondering if I am not transferring my cravings for jerking to craving for having sex with my GF. Is it possible that I am not only addicted to PMO but also to sex by itself? I don't know... But it is really hard to resist to those cravings.

The problem is that my gf isn't very sexual at this moment. I don't know why... She used to be much more sexually active some time ago but since a few months it's not the same. We both have no explanation about it. She feels really bad about that and every time I bring up the subject she gets very sad. She says that she is still very attracted to me but it is as if she had no libido at all, no sexual drive to initiate an intercourse.

We had some trouble in our relationship last week but it everything is going back to normal already. And this no sex drive thing started before that. We are also going through some difficult moments at work, I mean difficult decisions to take, lots of work without much result. Maybe that's also playing a role on our sex life.

I sometimes also ask myself if what she says, that she is still attracted to me, is true. It's been more than 5 years now that we are together and I am not one of the most attractive guys out there. Is it possible that uncounsciously she wants some change at that level? I know that she still loves me as before and I am sure she doesn't want another guy in her life, but is it possible she is no more sexually attracted and aroused by me? Maybe she is not saying it because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings...

Anyway it really hits me on the nerve. All day long I am waiting for the evening to come so that she comes home and we would make love, but it never happens that way. We have dinner, we speak, we have fun, everything is fine. And the moment we go to bed it changes because I want to make love and she wants just to cuddle and watch a movie and sleep. It's not that it's a bad thing, I love doing that, but my sex drive is so strong...

At that point either I say nothing and she is fine, but I go crazy in my mind, from angry to sad and frustrated, either I try to initiate something and at that point she gets sad and angry at me for not understanding her...

This kind of situation in bed bothers me a lot. I get all nervous and frustrated and I realize that this is in no way helping her to overcome the issue, but I can't help it. Most of the time I try to say nothing and not show my sex drive because I know it would make her sad and feel bad. But this way I close myself in and I get really cold and upset. At that point she'll ask me what's wrong and I'll pretend to be tired, but I am sure she knows something is wrong... Just don't want to hurt her. I really want to suppress my urge and desire but I can't no matter how hard I try. I'd also rationalize that "it is physiological, there is nothing wrong about having desire to have sex with my girl, it is not as if I wanted to do it 3 times every night"... And in contrast to the arguments that I used when I wanted to PMO these ones seem valid and not so wrong...

All this bothers me because when she is in the mood everything is as it was before, we have great sex as always. But if some months ago we used to have sex 3-4 times a week, now it's once a week at best.

I am asking myself if the problem isn't coming from me. Maybe it's my addiction speaking again? I can't get my sexual relief from PMO so I expect to get it from my gf instead and in some invisible way I repulse her. I don't know... But that wouldn't explain why we used to have more sex before? And I started my PMO abstinence much after all this started."

All this aside, I feel really motivated to continue staying away from PMO. I want to get it out of my life for good. Hopefully doing that will also change the way I feel about having sex with my girl and my sex drive. Maybe it will also help her with her libido in some indirect way.

Thank you for reading all this!

 

Yes she knows about my problem, however she was really hurt when I first spoke about that with her and I think she minimizes the trouble. Also, knowing how much it hurts her to know what i am doing I tend not speak about the issue and I may have lead her to believe that I already control it even though I don't...

Never had any PMO related trouble in bed. She is the one that has the tendency to have delayed or difficult to achieve orgasms. Despite that sex has always been great and still is...

 

Thank you for your replies, they are of great importance to me!

@Schnabel thank you for sharing your story, I hope it is all in the past now for you and you are happy with your relationship. Be strong!

@GG2002, thank you too for your reply, as a SO you sure have a different point of view on the problem and I really appreciate your help

Maybe my previous post wasn't clear enough or maybe it is my denial speaking again but I think I've never objectified my girl as a sex object. Not before I realized about my addiction and definately not after.

I have probably objectified many girls in my mind and fantasies, however I don't think I've ever done that in my real life. I've been raised to be a gentleman and i've always tried to be one. I also have been told by girls that they find me careful and gentle.

The same goes for our sex life. Though I have been watching various hardcore scenes over the time, I have never wanted to do that in bed, with the girl I love... For me intimacy is also very important and I've always tried to be gentle and loving in bed, as well as outside of it. I really don't think I would replace PMO with her, even unconsciously, because for me these have always been two different things. But I don't forget that I am still an addict and an addict's perceptions are blurred.

You are right about the fact that I don't speak a lot about my PMO troubles with her but she surely has a clue about that and knows. I just don't want to bring it up every day...

I said i think she minimizes it because sometimes when we won't have sex she would say "I don't give you enough sex, I am sorry. But you'll jerk off tomorrow anyway". As if it is something normal and ok to do. And I don't want to jerk off tomorrow, I want her, I want to be there with her and make love. And she won't understand that I want that and it doesn't matter, if she is not in the mood we just won't do it the same day, we'll cuddle and hug and that's fine by me. And we can try that again tomorrow or whenever she is in the mood.

But when she says "you'll just jerk off tomorrow" it hits me, because it's a powerful argument for rationalizing. And it gets me angry and frustrated, as if all my efforts to stop don't matter...

 

Thank you all for your replies, I really appreciate your help!

Thank you @novibe and @Bel for being such wonderful SO for your guys who are struggling with this addiction. I am sure that they appreciate it as much as I do and even more and I hope that everything will come in order for us all.
@Bel, I am so sorry that you had to spend that horrible night awake and afraid your bf may fap. I hope it never happens again. We boys can be such assholes sometimes... Please forgive us...

I just wanted to share that today me and my girl, we spent the a really nice day together even if we had a lot of work to do from home. We were really close and that was very very cool.

And we had sex! (No, the day wasn't so great only for that!) It was the most amazing, loving, gentle sex we had since a long time ago... I really think that my girl genuinely enjoyed it. And for me it was such an experience. I think it's the first time I really experienced such a thrill, I was concentrated only on the moment and my thought was only how I wanted to be intimate, close and loving during that time, how I only wanted to give my girl all my love and give her pleasure. And it was so worth it! Now I am even more motivated to continue that journey of P less life and concentrate on what is real and worth it. I don't need that P shit in my life no more!

Thank you all for your replies once again, they really help me become a better man and defeat that stupid addiction.

I know that today it was just a battle and the war is far from being won, but every little thing is getting me forward! I hope I would manage to progress more and more.