Tired of this empty pleasure seeking

Relapsed yesterday.
Its time to get really into exercise and meditation. Ive reached 90 days before and I did both these things plus I had a little moleskin book where I ticked off each day.
Day 1 today. Well done to everyone who gets to 90 days and beyond youre my inspiration!

 

things ive learnt...

Meditation and Booklet that is always with you counting each day without pmo

Energy drink/ working out/ staying up late = relapse.

Im going to meditate twice a day

 

Obvious insight. but reading books at night instead of being on the computer. The computer is an illusion. The internet is making us dumb lets read books instead. less likely to relapse and you get more brainy win win win

 

I have been away a while and to be honest I fell back into my pmo habit. Every two or three days and sometimes I binges at night time. Anyway; when I need to calm down or numb myself (ie stressful thoughts, sad thoughts, feelings etc) this is what I turn to. I am an addict. But I am trying. Im going to aim realistically first. My aim is to be clean for for 5 days and take it from there.
I need to change my thought patterns. Im reading a book call "What do you say when you say hello" Its about transactional psychology and the fact that we follow scripts. I need to change my thinking if this habit/addiction going to stop. Then replacing this habit with more positive things will not just be a a sticking-plaster approach.

 

Day 1
Meditation today.
Good food.
Read.
Work.

 

Day 2.

 

Day 3

Im very impulsive so im practicing ignoring most of my initial desires.. this is helping... http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Less-Impulsive

 

Okay so I am on day 2. Yes its been a rocky patch. BUT. I do believe I have found something that was missing. it was obvious, jogging with my mate. The feeling afterwards means I am so much more positive connected to my body and the bonus is I get a natural and healthy high
The real test is when I am sad and feeling tired, this is when pmo gets at me. When I am not mindful. I am finally ready for another push. I know some say it is naive to think in terms of 90 days as we are addicted and it is a journey. But I cant have ifs or buts. I have to aim for 90 days; i guess thats why its such an attractive thing to aim for.
Day 2!!!
this songs is how I feel.

 

Day 3. Went for a run again today. There are some good tips in this video about over coming sexual urges.

 

day 4. Went for a run again today. This is really helping me set up my day in a positive way. I am feeling confident that if I keep this up I will successfully reach 90 days. (oh we go another complacent post) but it's true; I think I've cracked the code. I know it's early but it helps so much.

 

Day 5 today. Im still running in the morning which is helping though feeling quite tempted today. its okay though as I replaced that urge with going on here. Today I have felt closer as im feeling quite tired and when im tired my brain doesnt work as hard. But relapsing is NOT an option.

 

day 3( of being clean)

I relapsed on Thursday or Friday - however I often stay with my family who live in the country side. I have been away for three days and I deliberately didn't bring my laptop so I haven't been able to access p. I have not had any urges until today and I've noticed, when I focus on my urge, that it's actually a feeling of nervous energy that I've trained my self to avoid and assume is something I should avoid. It also helps that my parents house is also a much nicer place than mine, and being by the country side creates more cAlmer feeling in general. I need to stay away from my laptop... so far I've been doing much more productive stuff.

 

Day 4

Back at home again after a nice weekend away at my mums in the country side. First thing in the morning went for a run with my mate. Pushed myself extremely hard and also had a sprint at the end.
The usual trigger haunts me which is my laptop; I had an urge but decided to go on here as replacement. I like runnning as when its uncomfortable it trains me to do things that feel uncomfortable. (not watching p was definitely comforting)

 

Day 5 today.

No temptations at all today. Been busy.

 

day 1 I relapsed. Im an idiot. My girlfriend and I have been going through a bad period and we had sex in the end. It then lead me to then an hour later watch some porn. AGHHHHHHH so basically ive 5 days straight relapse 5 days straight relapse. fml.

 

I appreciate you offering your support and I do find it helpful. But trust me I do take it very seriously. I have made 90 days once and 50. I think simply insinuating I don't see the difference between saying something and doing something is not really fair. We all have had different experiences in life which moulds the way we react to problems. If addiction was simply about taking things seriously it wouldnt be called an addiction. I am aware things cant always be easy. PMO is an aspect of my life which I have great deal of difficulty with. But I am trying.

I actually am improving I've relapsed three times in the last 11 days - thats a big improvement for me. Writing entries in this diary helps to reflect on my thought processes and work out where im at.

Thanks for believing in me and Im really pleased youre doing so well - I just want to be realistic about the fact I am addicted. Being all or nothing about relapsing tended to make me just give up trying all together.