So here I am

The sad part is that you feel shut down from even asking him questions about it. You guys need to be able to talk openly and honestly about this stuff. It's affecting your sex life. It's affecting how you feel about yourself. It's affecting your ability to walk around your house and which rooms you can go in at what times. He needs to be able to talk to you honestly without getting defensive. You have legitimate reasons for asking the questions you'd like to ask. I hope you guys can get to a place where you can communicate.

He didn't. At least, I think chances are 99.9% that he didn't. This is a very, very hard addiction to conquer, and if he doesn't have some serious filters or blocks on his phone or computer, I highly doubt that he just quit cold-turkey on his first try. I don't say that to scare you, but only so you can brace yourself for the most likely scenario.

 

As someone who's been a porn/sex addict myself, I'll say this:

Whenever I got defensive, it was always because I was using porn and trying to hide it. I would lie through my teeth in order to avoid any painful consequences of my behavior. If your husband were actually clean, he wouldn't be defensive. He would be excited to talk about how well he's doing.

It's not your fault. Get that thought out of your head. You have a right to bring this stuff up, and you need to--because trust me, he's not going to. You don't necessarily want to be badgering him about it constantly, but if you see signs that concern you, you should absolutely feel within your right to ask about it.

Never bringing it up, never asking questions, and always 'hoping' that his recovery is going well is the way couples end up stuck in the same spot for years on end.

 

This is so important to remember. Don't' ask/don't tell is easy to fall into and all it does is lead us SOs into a spiral of anxiety and self-doubt. I myself still struggle with overcoming this but keep reminding myself that the person I would want to stay with can't be closed off, secretive, defensive, etc. We all deserve support, openness, communication, teamwork, and honesty from our partners. Otherwise the trust will never be there and we'll always be miserable with the wondering.

 

If there is nothing going on, he wouldn't be offended. You guys obviously have a history, so you have valid reasons to ask questions.

I feel anger toward your husband for being defensive, because that's exactly how I used to be. I hate that I did that to my ex-wife.

 

I feel like I'm late to the party and you already have a good support team... But I was reading your journal and I wanted to say, anytime you don't want to have sex, you don't have to.
Just because he's your partner /husband /whatever... You still don't have to.
If you think he was JUST with rhe screen or someone else, whatever.
It doesn't matter.
If you are uncomfortable in that moment, you don't have to have sex.
I don't know why this was glossed over and maybe I missread?
Idk, but if you are unsure of his Reboot and want distance, you have a right to ask for it.
You have a right to ask for boundaries and consequences if he's not willing to be open and honest and his progress.
Good luck.

 

No.
You have every right if he's not communicating to ask him to stay home.
Or do another activity.
Or chose to swim somewhere else.
You are always entitled to your feelings.

Your only crime here is your bad approach.
And we are all guilty of this.

He's still defending himself.
It's not a little bit.
It's a big bit.
This is a No.
He's not respectful.
He's not putting more than he "absolutely has* to."

In my opinion, he's not officially trying yet.
He's coasting.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I hope it gets better for you.

 

No.
Don't.
It's a tactic.
And I've played this game for two years.
It's called gaslighting.
It's where he makes it seem like it's your fault.
Mine used to blame me because I wanted sex when he couldn't cuz of PIED.
Also a No.
It's time to stand up for yourself.
Take control of your feelings.
Love YOU.
and say, I deserve This.
It's You who is broken.
I deserve equal footing in our relationship.
And just because he won't sit for a boundaries list doesn't mean you can't call out boundaries like "don't go to the beach or wherever you get back this is the consequences"
PA have to know where they are and they are now fenced.
It's how they rewire.
Mine wanted his because his only other option was I was leaving.
He's PM free a year plus right now.
Everyone is different tho.

 

And yes, work on your recovery.
Pamper yourself somehow.

But also, if he's going to put himself in situations that constantly make you uncomfortable, maybe put him through a 30 days hard reboot and see if it takes.
That's no sex.
If he Masterbastes he fails, if he watches porn or looks at P-Subs, he fails.
Counter reset.
And you aren't having sex with him....
You Do have a say in sex with him.
So if you decide you don't want sex to want to to help his brain then that may be beneficial.
If it works, maybe abstain for longer if he is doing well.
Cuz I'm confused... Why is it this morning when I log in are you saying 8 days the second day in a row?

And the last thing is, if you do decide u think this is a good idea.... Don't let him talk you out of it.
Its your boundaries and consequences.
It's just not a List

 

Ah (about the time zone)

Make him feel bad!
He should feel bad!
Ignore the fact that he defends himself!
Put your foot down.
YOU MATTER.
take back your house.
Your ground.
You say, this Is What I want.
When he attacks You say "No"
Simply "No"
Whatever he says back - "No"
Let him ramble on, whatever.
Then say - This is it.
Or else. (whatever you want.)
(or need, or will work for you)
I was going to leave.... I know others that would have embarrassed theirs
.. Whatever you think would make him listen.
Give him time to reflect.
Here's the thing.... You may not want to hurt him, but by doing nothing, you are giving him permission to continue to abuse you,however he sees fit.

You write your own story.

It's time to get mad enough to pick up the pen again.

You deserve better.

Also, sometimes people communicate loudly.
Doesn't mean it's not a good communication.
It just means it's loud.
It's not always a fight.
Sometimes it's just how they do it.
As long as it's understandable between both parties, it's good communication.

 

Yup what @Jolie said! My guy used to get defensive too and say I was asking weird questions and didn't feel he needed to answer them, etc. I finally said "you are not the victim here! You did this not me. You need to step up and figure it out! I'll be sleeping here on the couch until you do and in the meantime figuring out what I NEED to do!" Since then he has not been defensive and started opening up and communicating better. He knows I will go right back there and emotionally retreat if he hurts me or stonewalls me. You have no reason to feel bad! At all! So don't! He is not a victim!