7 months (mostly) sober and doing amazing things!

So my success story isn't cut and dry - I have had some slip ups - but so far I've gone 7 months and have seen porn 3-4 times in that entire period which is HUGE, to say the least.

porn has been destroying my life for a long time and, thanks to disability with my hands, all my computer time was dedicated to it. I would "budget" my pain every day for porn and it completely ruled my life while I convinced myself the brief "highs" were worth it.

Now 7 months later I can finally use a computer as a tool again, not aroused when I sit down to one and able to focus on serious projects. I've been teaching myself how to use advanced engineering software and got a temp contract job working for NASA, of all things. This would NOT be possible if I hadn't quit porn - and if you had told me I would be an incredible engineer as a result of kicking the habit I wouldn't have believed you!! But then there it is

it's also been incredible talking to women again with confidence. I don't know why, but cutting out porn has turned me into a super social easy-approachable person. and not just women, I'm able to be more social and make friends much, much easier now.

I'm also able to respect women's personalities more, no longer spending 100s of hours scanning their bodies for imperfections, searching for the perfect "high." I am able to see and FEEL personality, laughter, tenderness, and a million other things that make connections between humans real and lasting. Another thing- I find myself attracted to women my own age now, which is really, really great. Without porn shoving teen everything in my face all the time my body is now adjusting to the natural curves and beautiful lines of wisdom and personality, and it's really freeing! I no longer feel like a slave drooling after college girls and feeling guilty afterwards.

I still have some ways to go to be 100% free but in the mean time I'll be coming by here for support. such a great community.

 

thanks for the kind words. I completely agree. It's a hard road, just like any addiction. Having quit drugs and alcohol and cigarettes I can tell you this has proven a lot harder for me to kick. I try to be gentle with myself and my progress, cause thats what helped me cut those addictions (hating ourselves only makes things worse).

Well, obviously I felt the dopamine rush which "felt" great. And the first time maybe it wasn't so bad. But I immediately began edging and bargaining with myself, trying to convince myself a "normal" amount would be okay, and stuff like that. Only 2 days later when I did it again I realized NO WAY is this okay.

What I found most fascinating though was how gross I find porn now. I was so convinced it was this great healthy thing in my life + expression. but it's just a meat market and all these sites are playing us like wind up toys, jousting our emotions and desires like the bells and whistles of a casino. I can spot the manipulation so vividly now, and it angers me. I also spot the dissatisfaction so easily now - the lack of human connection, emotions, sensations, and loving sweetness of being with another human being making love. I used to believe that could exist separate from porn and that was OK. Now I see that porn always robs us of that - even if it's only a little bit - by manipulating us and disconnecting us from ourselves. It is really the antithesis of human sexual connection.

Believe me, I am very far from being some sort of puritan. I've been a rebel my whole life and I still am. Porn just doesn't equal happy, positive growth in any amount no matter how small. That's how I feel now, anyway.