5 Lies that Keep Us Coming Back to Porn + 5 Positive Affirmations

This is from an email Matt Dobschuetz sent out - thought some of you would find it beneficial.
If you would like to join his mailing you can sign up on his site.



I put together this list after years of talking to guys, whether it's in coaching or getting emails. I've heard these similar types of statements 100s of times.

They're mistaken beliefs that usually proceed a relapse with porn.

In this email, I share the 5 lies and the 5 liberating truths that counteract them. I will also give you a daily exercise that you can add to your recovery toolbox.



Lie #1. Nobody sees me, so nobody loves me

Being alone triggers this powerful lie. When alone we lose all sense of connection to others and reality.

Now sometimes we confuse this as a crime of opportunity. We come home to an empty apartment or have 10 minutes of free time and we go straight to porn.

But underneath is the powerful feeling of being unseen. Like no one cares about us or what we do. It's the same logic that people use when they say "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."

This "nobody sees me, so nobody loves me" lie makes porn very attractive. When we look at the woman on the screen or the man on the screen, there's a part of us that longs to be seen. And we sense that in the intimacy between us and the pixels, that we're being seen. It's a complete lie, it doesn't happen. We're not seen, we're by ourselves, but it gives the illusion of connection.



Lie #2. I deserve this

It's real simple. This lie comes out of a sense of entitlement. This can be for good reasons, it can be for bad reasons. You could have a bad day and you could say, "Man, I'm stressed out, I did a lot of work today. I worked hard today. I deserve this. I need a little treat, a reward." It could be for good reasons. "Hey, I did a great job today. I'm feeling great. I just want to put a cherry on the top of my day. I deserve this."

Right? You deserve a break today.

Some of the guys I work with have a lot of external reasons to be porn free. They're pastors, fathers, husbands, leaders, etc. But they are still struggling. Why? Entitlement.

The more responsibility you have in life, the more things that can feed into this lie that I deserve this.



Lie #3. In the grand scheme of things this is pretty harmless

This is a way that we rationalize porn. We use this lie to minimize porn behaviors to ourselves and others.

We determine they are not that bad. We tell ourselves we're not cheating or everyone does it. It's like that old "boys will be boys" saying.

Only we are not boys anymore sneaking out to the shed to look at a stolen Playboy.

For most of us, we can't stop with just a little. We always want more. We are constantly searching for more novelty and excitement.

Some of us have stayed up all night binging only to have to call in sick for work. Others have covered up credit card bills or flat out lied to our wives.

We want to ignore the consequences. We want ignore the cost of continuing to go to the porn. We want to believe it's harmless.



Lie #4. I can’t do this, it's impossible to give up

At some point, we made a half commitment to ourselves to try to stop. When I say a half commitment, our intention was to stop, but we didn't take the steps needed to stop. We didn't eliminate all access points. We didn't make it harder for ourselves to act out. We didn't tell anybody about it. We didn't make a recovery plan.

So we relapsed. Then thought comes in, "Well, that didn't work."

Our conclusion is "I can’t do this, it's impossible to give up."

In AA, they have a saying: "half-measures availed us nothing." When you try to quit something and don't follow through, it destroys your confidence. It undermines your ability to take action. It makes you more passive. Your mind even tells you that you have evidence because you sort of tried. You have all these failures in your mind, and so it's real easy to just buy into it, that it's impossible to give it up.



Lie #5. I can figure this out without asking for help

If you were able to figure this out on your own, you would have recovered by now. The truth is we want to quit, but we want to avoid the shame that we might feel, telling our wives or telling our friends about how out of control we are.

Guys hate asking for help. Especially in sensitive areas. So we get stuck in the trap of reading books, listening to podcasts, and posting questions on Reddit.

We think if we get the right information or tool, we can recover and avoid the pain of looking bad. But it doesn't work.

Our own "best thinking" got us into this mess. And we can't think our way out by ourselves.



5 Liberating Truths

Okay so I have hit you with the lies.

Which one is tripping you up? Think about the last couple times you acted out. Was one of those lies taking the lead? Which one of those mistaken beliefs gave you the green light to go to the porn?

Once you have that one, here's what I want you to do. This week, I want you to get up in the morning, and I want you to say an affirmation five times. You're starting every day with an affirmation. You're just going to pick one. You might believe all these lies, but just pick one to focus on this week.

Here are the truths behind those lies:

Truth #1: I am seen. I am worthy of love. When I am alone, I can hold on to love.

Truth #2. I deserve good self care. My needs are important.

Truth #3. Porn is toxic to me. Even a little bit can make me sick.

Truth #4. I can't do this perfectly, but I can do this.

Truth #5. I need others to get free. Porn wants me to stay alone.

At the end of the day in your journal write answer this question: What lies or mistaken beliefs did I listen to today?

This doesn't mean you acted on it. It doesn't even mean that you acted out or relapsed, but was there any of these lies that came up?

Finally, in that journal, whatever you wrote down, write the truth.

Now lies are not the only thing that keeps us from moving forward.

 

Some great points here. Excellent stuff.

 

The point number 2 was my downfall. Thanks for sharing this.

 

Good thread to start.

 

What do you mean?

 

You should still give him a lot of credit for sharing such helpful information. There is a lot of useful information in the original post.

 

@Quezatolah You have a point. It should be noted that this wasn't written by me - as I said in the OP it was written by Matt Dobschuetz. I think some of the things are beneficial for me - like believing I'm worthy of love and should give myself self-care. At the end of the day it's up to us after reading / hearing advise whether we should take it on-board or not. This seems to have helped some people but for others a different post might be more helpful.