He MO'd to family members.

Oh noooooo! How did you find this out?!?!

 

This is unfortunate. This is probably, again unfortunately, par for the course for a PA. The desire for novelty means every possible fantasy is going to be used for MO at some point. We are a depraved bunch.

Sorry, that doesn't make it easier, and it doesn't make it right. Not by a long way. I'm sorry you have to know this. It's a lot easier to forgive PA, i imagine, when it's strangers in movies. Its all cheating, but at least that doesn't have a personal element.

How shit this whole thing is. To be an SO of a PA must be horrible. Good luck to you both.

 

I am really sorry that you are dealing with this. I can not imagine how awful

 

Ugh sry. I don't want to know those types of specifics for this reason. I don't want to know anything else except what you are doing to make this right! And the proof will be in the pudding. Wish that pudding would be made alittle faster thats all! Cause I'm fricken hungry!

Do something good for yourself today! Nails, hair, massage, shopping...anything that tends to make you feel good. You deserve it!

I also had an ex that hooked up w my younger cousin when she was babysitting for us. It took me a very long time to get over that but that is bc there was mutual physical contact. Just try your hardest to push this out of your mind and realize it wasn't about the person it's about the addiction.

*hugs*

 

yikes and ughh and yuck. know that many here who read your post feel horribly for you and actually understand a piece of your pain and shock.

I want to echo a bit of what @AverageBear said - as addicts we do stuff, have done stuff, that we could never have imagined. things way outside our values. sorta like breaking your kid's piggy bank to buy drugs. or gambling away a paycheck that was needed to pay rent. things that forever haunt us and convince us that we are completely without any redeeming quality.

that is not to make an excuse or diminish the awfulness of the offense in any way.

but there's good news!!!! I see two hugely good things from your posts. 1)your husband sounds like maybe he's broken enough to get help. as much as it sucks, we almost always need some earth-rocking experience to break through our fog and denial. maybe this is it for him. encourage him to get help now, while he still feels the pain. this moment will pass - help him not waste it. have him read yourbrainonporn.com - it's a great place to start. and easy ;-)
2) you are feeling and acting compassionate! that is such a gift for him, if he only realizes it. try to hang on to that compassion as long as you can. your husband is still in there. the man who would be shocked and angry by such aberrant behavior is still there -he's just covered in the mud and muck of addiction and self-loathing.

I wish you the best! it's likely not going to be a short or easy road. but it is possible. peace.

 

it shouldn't, nothing should make you feel better about that or any other despicable action. to think otherwise is denial or delusion. it doesn't, however, mean it defines him. as you already know

and this is one of the biggest tools of the beast to keep us trapped. I objectively know I am a piece of crap - I can prove it. one of my primary roles as father is to care for my family - I got fired from my job for using porn at work. we could have lost our home - as it is I raped my 401k for almost 2 yrs, delaying retirement for who knows how long... I can objectively say I have failed. I have done other things beneath my dignity. I have proven time and again that I cannot control even my own actions. I have tried innumerable times to quit and failed. By any measure I am a failure. and owning that causes me to feel bad (duh!) and raises my anxiety - and my proven way of finding a few moments of peace is in the fog and single-mindedness of the dopamine high. it is work for me to say "I am NOT a piece of crap. I am a good person (!) who has a problem and has done bad things. I don't have to remain this way all my life" this takes work for me to say, even more to believe. I am very much still in progress on this specific front.

at some point, hopefully soon, your husband will begin to realize the same. it helps tremendously to participate somewhere like NF, where you learn you are not the most depraved and disgusting person on the globe. Where he can learn there are legions in the same exact freaking boat.

that is so awesome!!! to so quickly be doing those things is super hopeful!!! I might add a face-to-face SAA group would also be a great thing to add. it helps to see other men, respectable men, that are struggling with the same stuff. when it comes to therapy, be ready to move on quickly if it doesn't' seem right. there are loads of therapist out there who don't see a prob with porn, or simply don't think porn addiction exists. There are Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) that might be worth looking up.

 

Damn tj

Damn that is really terrible.. he really needs to snap out of it and get his shit together

 

WTF?! smh

 

Can someone stitch this on a pillow and send it to my wife?

 

Is he ready to tell you everything after this? If not, it may be time to consider an ultimatum.

 

My PA's mother clued me in to such things as how at Christmas dinner both she and his sister were disgusted at how he was in a creepy trance leering across the dinner table at his uncles wife, who might be a 4 on a great day. Merry Christmas everyone ..... And she had asked me if he was buying himself sex toys.... I honestly thought she was crazy but she was really just squealing on him and not out rightly so bc then that might be too much of a parental role for a parent to take on. I was supposed to be the one to confront it all not her, the person who knew all this shit was happening but instead I was thrown bread crumbs to piece it all together like some sick Scooby Doo mystery. That whole family is f'd up so none of this in hindsight surprises me.
As for Facebook, it's a total porn sub and gateway. Mine was using it to get around the content blocker on his phone as a third party extension and also using people's personal fb pics to match up to porn to whack himself off to. He also had a secret Fb and Gmail account I discovered when I set up a nanny cam to catch him. Sadly I set the cam up to prove to myself that I was obviously being a complete suspicious bitch and he wasn't as bad as I believed bc he was telling me he wasn't......yeah wtf ever he was worse than I imagined. Enter Craigslist postings looking for trans and anything he could get his mouth on, nude selfies included as a bonus prize.
Literally I used to think nothing could shock me....ha not any more.

 

As much as you want him to do it himself unprompted, it sounds like he is so addicted it will not happen without an ultimatum. But sometimes that is exactly what needs to happen to get them to the point of seeking help. When they are in so deep they sometimes can't find a way out. It may not look like they even want to find a way out, but they do and that's when we need to kick their asses into gear.

You cannot ignore these red flags. The signs are everywhere. You have reached a point where you know you cannot allow this to go on any longer or it will go to a deeper, darker place. The time to take action is now. You have to make a decision and stand firm on it. We are here for you, supporting you.