Done with the black hole of porn

Hey everyone. I've always likened porn usage to this trip down a black hole, how it can become consuming and lead to searching for more and more, just to find that same dopamine rush. Have lurked on here long enough to know that's not a feeling exclusive to myself. I'm a porn addict and I'm here today to say I'm done. I have to. For me. My mental health and well-being.

So how did I get here? It's complicated. I first looked at Playboy when I was 10, found my dad's stash. Got caught and reprimanded. When I started college high-speed internet was just becoming a thing. I spent night and day online trolling for porn. I ignored and ruined friendships and relationships because of it. I experienced a traumatic event that first year in college that I've come to realize led me into this spiral and use porn as a coping mechanism in place of real connection and intimacy. I wasted my 20s to it. I'm now 37.

It's been too long and ends now. I've started counseling this year to help cope and to
work on my relationships. The ironic part of it is that in my professional life, I'm extroverted, connect easily with others but then retreat toward this black hole when I'm not there. My partner knows about my struggle now, but it didn't come easy. She caught me several times, dismissed it before but began to understand how bad it was. She's been incredibly supportive but that only goes so far. I have to do the work. Hope to share and talk more about this with you all.

I've tried quitting more times than I can count, probably the longest I've gone is maybe 14 days or so in the past 20years. Today's day 1. Hope to make it to day 2. Thanks for reading.

 

thanks for the welcome. I'll let you know!

 

@krtdvw It's encouraging to know someone else out can relate. My girlfriend is supportive but truly can't understand what it's been like nor do I expect her to. I've already told her I don't want the burden of accountability to fall on her. However, I am beyond grateful that I have a partner that is willing to stay by me through this. So I set up another page under the 30-39 tab that I guess could act as my journal. Unless there's a different place for that. Today was another good day, hope the streak continues and I can remain strong enough.