Post published by Reaching_Higher

Hey brothers. Having a hard time with post-relapse depression. I've finally made some progress in regard to reducing the frequency of my falls. This month I've fallen three times, so that comes out to an average of once every 8 days, but two were close together so it feels longer. That's been a very positive experience. I'm happy about that.

Regardless I have this strange sense of depression and fear that has been coming over me for about 36-48 hours following a fall. A depression and fear that I've never felt before, perhaps I'm becoming more sensitive to my sin or the weight of my sin is really oppressing me.

I have this paralyzing fear that I'll never be free, that despite how much I flex my self-control in other ways, pray rosaries, attend mass, confession, and make a concerted effort to grow closer to the person of Jesus Christ, I will still never find freedom. I feel as though God has abandoned me. In my mind I know He has not, I know that He loves me, I know that He observes my effort with compassion. But my heart doesn't believe it, because I don't love myself.

That's where I am at today, I fell this afternoon after 9 days of sobriety and I'm devastated at myself. I know that I'm using the PMO to ease the pain I feel from lack of true intimacy... I met a wonderful Godly woman this past summer but something just didn't feel right and I struggled with my physical attraction to her, so I broke things off. Because of my addiction, I couldn't trust my feelings. I broke her heart and she wanted intimacy with me so badly, I can't help but wonder if I made a huge mistake and missed my window.

I'm 23 with an excellent career, God has blessed me, but I feel like life is already passing me by. No matter how hard I try, I just can't feel joy and happiness with where I'm at in life, dating or single.