Post published by SAL_VI

Day 100 Reflection

By God's grace, I made it to 100 days. Officially the longest I've been without porn. However, this does not mean I still deal with temptations. Yet, it's somewhat of a blessing in disguise as it pinpoints areas still necessary to grow. It's easy to say "yeah, well I don't watch porn" anymore, yet you find p-subs and fantasies to feed off of! I know because that was me other times when I tried to quit but it just takes you back to square one where you relapse. So what I am trying to say is that just because you may not watch porn anymore, doesn't mean that there are areas that you still have to grow in. Because sin is always at one's doorstep, it'll always find someway to get in, that is why we must keep it out. No matter what! No compromise. Don't think for a second that "just for a bit" is ok, because that is a recipe for disaster and it shows your desires are still for it.

As for me, I don't struggle in certain areas as much as I used to. For instance, I believe one becomes less compulsive. You're not wanting to seek it out the moment an urge kicks in. You just take it for what it is. You realize "this too shall pass". And granted, it is a good feeling because I'm not running to P as soon as inevitable urges kick in. If anything, I come out motivated and feeling good.

However, I can still fall provided with the proper scenarios and temptations which has been something I've been reflecting on lately as I was strongly tempted this past weekend. I've had moments where I was extremely tired and unmotivated, and temptations come at me at a greater level than before since I'm in a vulnerable state. Thankfully, I've used moments like that to just pray, worship and seek my AP for help and it's worked.

I also realize there are still times where I can get thrown off out of nowhere. I'm sure everyone can relate and that's the worst! Yet we must be aware that there will be temptations of the sort so we may be stand firm beforehand. I still find it difficult to talk to women as my mind tends to go elsewhere and it is a raging battle. For instance, I met a girl recently and she's cool to talk to but afterwards, I'm left with nothing but lustful desires which frustrates me. Granted, nothing wrong with attraction but objectification is bad. I want to be able to get to a place where I can just honor a women for who she is, not for my selfish, filthy objectification. Otherwise, a relapse is not too far. It's what happens when I've watched P for so many years, then I tend to pornify everything in real life, where the fantasy desires to translate to reality because we know fantasy alone won't suffice for the addict, you gotta make it real. And that's dangerous, because God knows how wicked and depraved the heart can be. I met with the same girl yesterday (in a public place of course), and I prayed beforehand, which worked for the given time spent together, it was afterwards that messes me up, which leads to my next point.

Another area of necessary growth for me is when I'm in bed at night. That was a key period for me (and I'm sure for you as well) as I would just binge on P. Another it's been months since I've done so, yet it is a difficult moment for me as my mind hits the hardest... especially as I hung out with a girl earlier in the day only for her to be pornified in my mind at night.. I'm like wait, I just met this girl and I'm already imagining this and that. Ugh, I hate it!

So any advice would be greatly appreciated in terms of dealing with lustful thoughts while you're trying to sleep at night and continued prayers for me. And I pray that as you go forward, God would show you what other areas you still need to grow in when dealing with lust. Onward!