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Post published by Fleshandblood
Ok, here goes. Over many years of church life, professional work and leadership I have seen and experienced people seeking recovery from addictions. But avoid calling it what it is by spiritual avoidance. The Church is rarely set up to support people with a problem from the neck up.
So my intention is to contribute to this group by approaching "just as I am". And in reality there are some parts of myself I am so disgusted by I want nothing to do with.
Yet this rejection reinforces the behaviour and beliefs.
Here are my triggers.
Fear, so familiar I never question what or why.
Delusion that I will loose something of myself (ironic huh)
Even as I write this I feel increasing shame and violent hatred for myself.
Anyone telling me now about forgiveness or grace would be politely (or not) dismissed.
I am a Christian not because of people. But because I know Jesus experienced this stuff.
I am internally screaming for rejection so I can run to my sin ( self,initiated negativity)
A child I know was asked "what would you do if the devil knocked your door?" He replied " I would ask Jesus to answer the door".
I want to practice asking Jesus to answer the door when I am intimidated.
Lets give him what he deserves, not a polished version of ourselves,but just as we are.
Thank you
19conquer, Delirious 1 2018, Dmodee and 2 others like this.
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Saint Augustine
Thank you for your honesty.
It is through openness and speaking truth (for when we fail to speak truth we lie to each other), that we will allow God to heal brokenness.
You cannot seek an appointment with your doctor, and then refuse to tell him what your symptoms are. It is the same when we approach others in the Church; we all can make a difference in each other's lives.
jenthleth likes this.
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Tao Jones
We MUST steep in the Truth of his unfailing love for us so that we are transformed by it. If he loves us regardless of our actions, who are we to cling to self-hatred and self-loathing? We slap Jesus in the face when we say to him, "No, you are wrong, I am unlovable." He knows us better than we know our own selves, and yet he loves us. We need to reject our own vision of ourselves (it is a lie) and embrace his vision of us (it is Truth!) His vision of reality is the only correct one, because he is reality itself. And in his view, we are each cherished, beloved children of the King. Wow! His view of reality is *so much better* than mine!
Delirious 1 2018 and Saint Augustine like this.
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michael7730
I just spent 15 minutes writing a reply. only when I tried to post it I got an error saying I had too many characters and I lost my entire post! will try to post again later. Uggh! I
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Saint Augustine
Oh dear @michael7730 that has happened to me a few times as well! Not sure why there is a character limit.
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Fleshandblood
Second day I have gone to bed early and woken early. I have found this to be helpful in reducing my physiological stress, cortisol,epinephrine etc but also helps me to observe my thoughts as temptations and less as compulsions/ demands.
Delirious 1 2018 and Tao Jones like this.
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Fleshandblood
Hit send too early, so much for reeling more alert! My shame and anger wants to slap those I love in the face, force them to reject me. Thereby confirming I am worthless. No amount of reassurance or kindness changes that (believe me it has been many years) emotional safety elicits deep fear. When jesus saw into simon peters shame he said "Go away from me I am a sinful man"
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Tao Jones
Did Jesus go away from Simon Peter? No, he did not. Even when Peter denied knowing Jesus, Jesus restored him. God's love for you is a fact that you cannot change. It is the actual, ultimate reality. You can deny it, but that is to live in a lie. If you would rather live the lie than the truth, then you will remain bound. The Truth *will* set you free. The prison door has been opened. It is up to you to take the steps to walk out. We are here to help you in that however we can. Praying for you.
Delirious 1 2018 likes this.
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Delirious 1 2018
Taking care of our physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual needs is key to overcoming this!!! Keep up the good work!
Tao Jones likes this.
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Delirious 1 2018
Peter didn't leave Jesus, either. He said "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." And he stayed with Jesus despite all his doubt, his frustration, his sin. He trusted in God and followed his words.
Tao Jones likes this.
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Saint Augustine
Just remember the last recorded words Jesus gave directly to Peter: "Follow me!" They were the same words as the first to Peter. Nothing in the interim had changed Christ's view of his disciple. All that mattered was for Peter to admit to Jesus: “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”
Tao Jones likes this.