Post published by rca123
Hi everyone, I'm new here.
I want to take this opportunity to say, if you are easily triggered don't read this post. I'll try to keep it from being too graphic but be careful.
I ended up in the whole cycle of escalation thing we all know about, and eventually became addicted to sp. Later I became a Christian and tried to walk away from it finally.
I made it maybe 7+months or so, then relapsed. And it was like I hadn't walked away from it in the first place. A few months later I relapsed again, purged again, relapsed again, etc on and off. Sometimes I've gone months in between, sometimes I haven't made it a day.
In the past year or so, when I've relapsed everything escalated. I found myself buying expensive high quality hypno videos regardless of the cost. Then one time I bought a bunch of sexy underwear and stockings and even some real toys.
It got worse than ever, and the most terrifying part of it was that I did everything the videos said and liked it even after O. That was a first for me, and not a pleasant one. It was like I got drugged and forgot feeling shame from what I was doing, and that made me go further than ever.
Fortunately I got rid of all the stuff, and I got out of that mindset; but it was close. I still try to fight off the thoughts and triggers that never seem to go away, and I still find myself waking up from dreams of sp when I go for longer periods without relapsing. It feels like this stuff has been grafted into my brain, and I need some advice.
It's been at least a couple months with no sp, yet I found myself thinking of making love to my future wife (a constant hope of having one someday helps me); and I got no reaction from myself. Half a second of visualizing my body as female and I was standing at attention.
I gotta say, this really sucks. I want out. But I don't know just how long I'm going to have to abstain before my mind starts to normalize again. Has anyone ever actually beaten this stuff?
Because I could use a good success story tbh.
Thanks for reading, God bless you. May you find victory in your struggle.