Post published by rca123

Hi everyone, I'm new here.
I want to take this opportunity to say, if you are easily triggered don't read this post. I'll try to keep it from being too graphic but be careful.

I ended up in the whole cycle of escalation thing we all know about, and eventually became addicted to sp. Later I became a Christian and tried to walk away from it finally.
I made it maybe 7+months or so, then relapsed. And it was like I hadn't walked away from it in the first place. A few months later I relapsed again, purged again, relapsed again, etc on and off. Sometimes I've gone months in between, sometimes I haven't made it a day.
In the past year or so, when I've relapsed everything escalated. I found myself buying expensive high quality hypno videos regardless of the cost. Then one time I bought a bunch of sexy underwear and stockings and even some real toys.
It got worse than ever, and the most terrifying part of it was that I did everything the videos said and liked it even after O. That was a first for me, and not a pleasant one. It was like I got drugged and forgot feeling shame from what I was doing, and that made me go further than ever.
Fortunately I got rid of all the stuff, and I got out of that mindset; but it was close. I still try to fight off the thoughts and triggers that never seem to go away, and I still find myself waking up from dreams of sp when I go for longer periods without relapsing. It feels like this stuff has been grafted into my brain, and I need some advice.
It's been at least a couple months with no sp, yet I found myself thinking of making love to my future wife (a constant hope of having one someday helps me); and I got no reaction from myself. Half a second of visualizing my body as female and I was standing at attention.
I gotta say, this really sucks. I want out. But I don't know just how long I'm going to have to abstain before my mind starts to normalize again. Has anyone ever actually beaten this stuff?
Because I could use a good success story tbh.
Thanks for reading, God bless you. May you find victory in your struggle.
ready4help more_vert
Just for today remember that you are in control of your decisions. Stay strong brother!
Roady more_vert
As a Christian you mat know that God gives us some very powerful pieces of the armor. What has helped me most is the praying in tongues, and I ve learned to make captive every thought in Christ.
Roady more_vert
I have beaten this stuff but I know it can hit me back. Check out my journal, I wrote some useful articles which may help you further. One of the keys is: God created you as man. Acting like a woman will never ever gives you peace. Proclaim the truth over your being. "I'm a man of God" . "I'm a beloved child of God. " Etc.
Roady more_vert
Remember that truth wins over lies. The enemy is trying to let you believe his lies to lure you into his destroying web. Speak out the truth loudly. A life based on truth cannot fall down.
Freedom_from_PMO more_vert
You did pretty impressive progress!
Maninsearchofasoul more_vert
The thing that stood out to my in this post was imagining the time you spent doing all this stuff. Where do you get this time. As Roady said, and you have backed up in your post, acting like a woman won't give you peace. It is a fetish you acquired because it was different and anxiety provoking.
Maninsearchofasoul more_vert
Go in the opposite direction. Get some got-damn masculine hobbies. Don't give yourself time for this trash. Find a local boxing/mma gym and join it. Those people will help you get in touch with your masculinity.
Dutchkiwi likes this.
Maninsearchofasoul more_vert
Finally read "Your Brain on Porn." Read it, buy it as soon as you see this comment. Knowledge is power and it will help you understand everything that is happening to you and help you get rid of any excuses you have.
SLAA1 more_vert
Give yourself the gift of complete abstinence and your BRAIN WILL CHANGE. Promise.
Nameste and Freedom_from_PMO like this.
Human v2.0 more_vert
Human v2.0
Get busy. You are going to keep falling for it if your life is still on that track. You have left PMO for more than 7 months but what have you done different in your life? Go to the gym, get into a club, reject the idea of being a sissy, just picture yourself as one! Those lame ponytails in you, how do you think you look getting a toy in you? I'm new into this site so I'm not sure if I'm being too offensive here, but that's what I think.
Maninsearchofasoul more_vert
@Human v2.0 Yeah imagining that will just trigger relapse not success most likely. But I agree that he should take up more hobbies