- Southeast Asia
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Fapstronaut, from Southeast Asia
- 00Zero was last seen:
- Feb 13, 2015
- Southeast Asia
My situation is kind of unique. I can say this with a very strong degree of certainty. Under normal circumstances, trying to get over this PMO issue would be hard enough, but at least having normal sex would be something you can focus on, especially when you have a very beautiful wife, which I do. However, my problem is, I'm in prison. Yes, I know, you're probably wondering how the hell I have the ability to be posting on NoFAP with you if I'm incarcerated. Well, it's because I'm not in a Western prison. At this point I don't really want to go into the details of exactly where I am, as I would still at this stage like to, for safety's sake, keep some sense of anonymity. All I can say is, that the country in which I'm incarcerated in is extremely corrupt, and although officially they don't condone the use of phones, laptops (or drugs) and the like, with money you can pretty much have any of these kinds of things here, as long as you don't make it overly obvious to the outside world.
Anyway, with that being said, I have been in here for over 5 years now. During my first year and a half at a different facility, I used to be easily able to have conjugal visits from my then girlfriend, but that all went away after I got transferred, almost 4 years ago. I did manage to have sex once, if you can call it that, which was on my honeymoon (if you can call it that), with my now wife, (who I was able to marry in the church of the prison, for a price of course), but that was a one time deal, and due to 3 years of no sex and only PMO to work with, and additionally being in a situation where we didn't have any real privacy and only had about 45 minutes to be 'alone', I never was able to maintain an erection for more than a few minutes or come to climax. Yes, it definitely wasn't the dream wedding / honeymoon I had envisioned it would be under different circumstances.
So, without going into my pathetic performance of that event, it did effect me dramatically, and made me feel even worse about myself and gave me even greater performance anxiety. Additionally, the fact that I'm in here for such a long time, and have Internet access has made the porn addiction problem I have been struggling with much of my life insanely more traumatic. I know, I could, at great expense, manage to have been with my wife again, but aside from the costs involved (estimating around a $1,000 easily), the primary reason for not pursuing it was the fear of not being able to function. Of course my wife doesn't know that, but, well, that's the way it is. And now, my financial situation has changed for the worse, due to an investment, which I had been surviving off of, having gone sour, so my wife has flown back to her home country and I can only talk to her on the phone, or see photos on her Facebook of the fun life she's having outside, and friends she's hanging out with, all while I languish in this zoo.
Anyway, back to my issues. I've always done things different than most people, and I'm sure, as stupid as it seems, this probably doesn't seem like the best time to focus on solving this problem, especially when recently I've been dealing with threats of bodily harm from certain other inmates, but I've come to the realization that things with the PMO addiction are getting worse, as I can't even get at times, even with porn, unless it's something completely outlandish. This addiction has been an issue for ages, even before I left the West, but when with a woman I would usually still be able to attain an erection after rubbing on her a bit, but based on my last experience, that doesn't appear to be working anymore now.
In the last 6 months I've tried numerous times to stop, and twice made it almost to the 30 day mark, but at that time it seemed impossible to complete and I ended up faltering and having to reset. I mean imagine, you're frequently feeling depressed by your situation, you're locked in your room for most of the night (from about 22:00 until the next morning), and you have access to stress and depression relief in the form of unlimited sexy women just a few mouse clicks away on the Internet. Honestly, a very difficult situation to try to extricate yourself from indeed.
Well, so here I go again. I'm on day 9 now, and have still been able to maintain controlling my focus whenever the usual urges start trying to creep in. I just worry, because they haven't peaked yet, as when they do, as I'm sure you know, they will be brutal and relentless.
Anyway, that's my story in a nutshell. If you have any questions or advice, I'm more than happy to answer or hear it.
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